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Love between Equals: Relationship as a Spiritual Path Paperback – January 15, 2019

4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 120 ratings

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Learn how to successfully negotiate conflicts and deepen our most intimate relationships in this practical and thoughtful guide by an experienced Buddhist teacher, psychotherapist, and couples counselor. 
 
A committed relationship, as most people see it today, is a partnership of equals who share values and goals, a team united by love and dedicated to each other’s growth on every level. This contemporary model for coupledom requires real intention and work, and, more often than not, the traditional archetypes of relationships experienced by our parents and grandparents fail us or seem irrelevant. Utilizing the wisdom of her years of personal and professional practice, Young-Eisendrath dismantles our idealized projections about love, while revealing how mindfulness and communication can help us identify and honor the differences with our partners and strengthen our bonds. These practical and time-tested guidelines are rooted in sound understanding of modern psychology and offer concrete ideas and the necessary tools to reinforce and reinvigorate our deepest relationships.

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Editorial Reviews

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“Imagine the wisdom of a long-term contemplative practitioner woven together with the insights and compassion of a psychoanalytically trained and deeply experienced couples therapist, tie these together with the broad knowledge of a caring and curious educator, and you’ll get a sense of the tapestry that is the colorful collage of Love between Equals.”—Daniel J. Siegel, MD, founder of the Mindsight Institute

“Intimate relationships are the householder’s monastery: a place to learn about oneness and connectivity with a special other. In the most successful relationships, that oneness and connectivity extends out to encompass all of creation. But for a relationship to be successful at that level, one must be willing to be affirmed and negated, expanded and contracted, allowed and limited over and over again. Young-Eisendrath is both a seasoned psychotherapist and a veteran contemplative adept. As such, she is ideally qualified to provide the information and inspiration you’ll need in order to achieve that noble goal.”—Shinzen Young, author of
The Science of Enlightenment
 
“With razor-sharp clarity, depth, and compassion, Young-Eisendrath takes the reader on an illuminating journey into romantic love. Weaving together the insights of depth psychology, psychoanalysis, and Buddhist spirituality, she outlines a truly clarifying reflection on the nuts and bolts of sustainable partnership. Read this alone or with your partner. It is a gift to anyone who wants to live into the experience of mature love.”—Pilar Jennings, PhD, author of
To Heal a Wounded Heart

Love between Equals brilliantly illuminates our most important adult developmental task—how to love and be loved. While the topic is ancient and ageless, our contemporary practice of choosing an equal partner commands a different approach to love—one that requires both spiritual and psychological development. Synthesizing the wisdom from psychoanalysis and Buddhist practice, Young-Eisendrath shows us how to skillfully work with our demanding self so that we may truly love our partner and our relationship.”—Roshi Grace Schireson, PhD

“Have you ever wondered why falling in love so rarely leads to lasting intimacy? Or why love between parents and children has grown ever more confusing in the age of psychotherapy? Answers to these troubling questions, and more, fill the pages of this masterful book by the analyst and relationship expert Polly Young-Eisendrath. Combining decades of clinical practice with her lifelong devotion to Buddhist dharma, Young-Eisendrath offers readers a brilliant roadmap to loving wisely and sustainably in the twenty-first century. Full of insight, humor, and practical advice, this is a must-read for anyone puzzled by love and intricacies of the human heart. I couldn’t put it down.”—Mark Matousek, author of Writing to Awaken: A Journey of Truth, Transformation, and Self-Discovery

About the Author

Polly Young-Eisendrath, PhD, is a Jungian analyst, psychologist, and psychotherapist in private practice. She is the clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont and the founder and director of the Institute for Dialogue Therapy. She is past president of the Vermont Association for Psychoanalytic Studies and a founding member of the Vermont Institute for the Psychotherapies. Polly is also the chairperson of Enlightening Conversations, a series of conversational conferences that bring together participants from the front lines of Buddhism and psychoanalysis. Polly has published sixteen books, as well as many chapters and articles, that have been translated into more than twenty languages, including The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance and The Present Heart: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Discovery.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Shambhala (January 15, 2019)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 240 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1611804787
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1611804782
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 11.2 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.69 x 8.47 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 120 ratings

About the author

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Polly Young-Eisendrath
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Polly Young-Eisendrath is a Jungian Analyst, Psychologist, teacher and author. She is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Vermont and in private practice in central Vermont. Polly is the originator of Dialogue Therapy, which is designed to transform chronic conflict in relationships into greater closeness and spiritual development. In January 2019, Shambhala/Random House will publish Polly’s new book, Love Between Equals: Relationship as a Spiritual Path, which offers her vision of personal love as a spiritual path and draws on her 30 years of experience as a Dialogue Therapist and Jungian psychoanalyst. Polly’s clinical practice and teaching have focused both on individual psychotherapy and analysis, as well as Dialogue Therapy. She is a past president of the Vermont Association for Psychoanalytic Studies and a founding member of the Vermont Institute for the Psychotherapies. She is also a Mindfulness teacher and has been a practitioner of Buddhism since 1971.

Polly is the author of sixteen books, as well as many book chapters and articles. Her books have been translated into more than twenty languages. Her most recent works are The Present Heart: A Memoir of Love, Loss and Discovery (Rodale, 2014); The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance (Little, Brown, 2008); and The Cambridge Companion to Jung: New and Revised, of which she is co-editor with Terence Dawson (Cambridge University Press, 2008).

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
120 global ratings
This book has helped me understand my relationships so much! Highly recommended book!
5 Stars
This book has helped me understand my relationships so much! Highly recommended book!
I have been reading and rereading this book on and off for several months. The book really resonates with me and helped me understand conflict I’ve had in relationships. I am really glad I got this book in paper format not kindle. I have tagged, underlined, highlighted, and made notes in the margins throughout this book. My notes are how the writings apply to what I’ve experienced. I am still working througH a lot of issues in my life and this book has really helped me to self reflect and understand why I have reacted the way I have in the past.This book provides a “spiritual path” and not focused on god/Christianity. I am a spiritual person, but I don’t necessarily believe in god and I definitely lean towards Buddhism. I love the spiritual quotes that are presented throughout the book. This book has helped me understand in a very loving and open way. It has sparked mindfulness and patience with my life journey. It is very well written and very easy to read and understand.I don’t mind writing in books I plan to keep forever. Another book that I’ve gotten in paper format is Ekhart Tolle - A New Earth. This book Love Between Equals and A New Earth are two of my favorite “life” books that I go back to time and time again. Both of them are timeless and provide so much insight and understanding to life and so writing in them is part of “therapy” for me.I highly recommend this book for both individual reflection and to help with relationships.
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Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on March 12, 2019
It’s a common experience for therapists to look around and wonder how they, and other trained clinicians, can be just as trapped in avoidance, attacking and repetitive conflicts in their personal relationships as their patients are. In fact, the closer and more intimate the relationship, the more apt we all are to display reactive, aggressive and immature behavior. And with all of the wonderful therapy methods out there, it is often a mystery as to why so many of us, therapists and non-therapists, just can’t seem to break out of these destructive, repetitive patterns. We find ourselves stuck yet again in old painful discussions when we encounter a conflict with those we love the most: our partners, siblings, and grown children.

And here is a surprising truth that may explain some of that- insight won’t fix this. We can spend years in therapy developing boatloads of insight and still be impossible to live with because of the massive blind spots we have developed in our relationships. When we find ourselves diagnosing, labeling and characterizing we are not truly knowing, understanding and accepting those we love. How do we avoid this common trap and set ourselves free to love more abundantly?

Polly Young-Eisendrath PhD has masterfully brought the mindfulness of Buddhism together with the insights of psychoanalysis to give us the tools to untangle the mysterious spell which seems have befallen us. She explains that by winning the rights we now have in the 21st century to love/marry whom we choose, commit to equality in relationships and expect a best friend who “gets us” and mirrors us accurately, we have won a sort of lottery of love. But we have no idea how to manage our windfall. We are rich with freedom, equality and friendship in these relationships, but live with a poverty of skills to manage them.

Love Between Equals teaches the skills and provides a map through the “broken hallelujah” that is love. Dialogue Therapy itself, is a guided tour, which will leave you more compassionate, more mindful and able to see yourself and your partner clearly. These skills will leave you changed and will pay dividends for the rest of your life and all of your important relationships.
21 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on September 18, 2023
Reccomended by a friend whi is a counselor, this book changed my life

Love is truly equal
Reviewed in the United States on November 13, 2021
This book was recommended to me by a therapist and it completely transformed the way I see relationships. It has a lot of information I've heard in different venues, but is brought together and packaged up in a way that makes it so tangible and real. I could literally see all of it playing out in my life and how I contribute, and have the tools to do relationships differently. It is a both and instructional guide and spiritual inspiration to bring more mindfulness to relationships. Every friend I've recommended it to as also said it's changed their life. I just started reading it for the 3rd time.
4 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on March 2, 2024
At times this book is preachy and the author makes clear from the beginning that she doesn’t think polyamorous relationships are viable. Nonetheless there are a lot of gems in this book about building conscious relationship with your partner. I read this book and applied it to my relationship to consider and recognize how I could show up with more conscious awareness and consideration about accepting my partners as they show up. It’s a dense read but there’s a lot worth considering in this book about building a spiritual and conscious relationship with your love.
Reviewed in the United States on May 18, 2022
I found this book to be very helpful and challenging all at the same time. The author presented concepts clearly and in such a way that they are easy to ponder… though difficult to really let sink in…as far as truly putting in practice. I do believe this information will help provide a tangible and positive shift in how my intimate partnership continues to grow.
One person found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on January 11, 2023
I love the book as it sums up everything one needs to know in life.
Reviewed in the United States on July 30, 2021
El libro comienza con mucha fuerza y con una belleza en las palabras y una carga de imágenes que no logra sostener, a la mitad del libro tr das cuenta que éste parece dar vueltas, que ws repetitivo, carece de rumbo y no aterriza las ideas. Al final me quedo preguntándome, qué es true love y como sugiere la escritora que se alcanza?
2 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2019
I found the concepts in this book to be especially helpful in many of my relationships, not just with my spouse, but my other family members as well. This is a new way of approaching your relationships while realizing what is going on and motivating you within yourself.
8 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Caroline
5.0 out of 5 stars Well written, informative book
Reviewed in Mexico on August 9, 2023
The information provided is informative, helpful, new. It provides realistic, valuable way to be in primary relationship.
Amazon Customer
3.0 out of 5 stars Received book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 3, 2022
My order, got mixed up with orders of my neibours,
who were not in when they were delivered, and so
were given to other neighbours instead.
I have now received the order, my book: Love between equals.
pleasantly surprised
5.0 out of 5 stars revolutionary
Reviewed in Canada on March 28, 2019
How to spot it when you project your own disavowed feelings on to your beloved, and then how to become enlightened by practicing not to? Yes please!
One person found this helpful
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Johhny Zero
1.0 out of 5 stars Interesting book but !!!!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 1, 2024
Pages started falling out and had to return