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Loving without Spoiling : And 100 Other Timeless Tips for Raising Terrific Kids Paperback – October 1, 2003
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From the Publisher
Nancy Samalin is the bestselling author of Loving Your Child Is Not Enough, Love and Anger, and Loving Each One Best. She is the founder and director of Parent Guidance Workshops. Samalin was a contributing editor to Parents magazine and is a regular guest on "Good Morning America," "Today," "20/20," and "Dateline NBC."
Catherine Whitney has cowritten numerous award-winning and bestselling nonfiction books.
From the Back Cover
"A wonderful resource full of effective ways to minimize the stresses of parenthood and raise happy, unspoiled children."--Jack Canfield, coauthor, Chicken Soup for the Parent's Soul
"Nancy Samalin's wonderfully wise book belies the notion that children don't come with an instruction manual. This is it! Her practical advice on setting loving limits takes parents well beyond discipline and provides lasting lessons in raising caring, confident kids."
--Ann Pleshette Murphy, Parenting Correspondent, ABC's "Good Morning America," and "Mother Know How" columnist for Family Circle
"Wonderful advice with specific ideas to help in those frustrating parenting moments. Read it from cover to cover or flip through to find help with your problem-du-jour. Either way, these warmly shared words of wisdom will enrich your life as well as your parenting skills."
--Vicki Lansky, author, Feed Me I'm Yours, Games Babies Play, and Practical Parenting Tips
No parent wants to raise a spoiled kid. We want to raise children who are caring, compassionate, honest, and responsible. In Loving Without Spoiling, bestselling author Nancy Samalin gives you effective ways to set loving limits without spoiling or overindulging your child, including:
- Power struggles: tame the tantrums, stop the whining, set rules that stick
- The communication gap: stop repeating yourself, keep it simple, connect with your kids
- Sibling rivalry: nix the tattling, get out of the fairness trap, minimize the fighting
- Everyday clashes: win the bedtime wars, avoid homework battles, diminish dawdling, cure the "gimmes"
Nancy Samalin, M.S., is the bestselling author of Loving Your Child Is Not Enough, Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma, and Loving Each One Best. She is the founder and director of Parent Guidance Workshops in New York City and has appeared on many national TV shows, including "Today," "Good Morning America," "20/20," "Dateline NBC," "CBS This Morning," and CNN.
Catherine Whitney is a professional writer who has collaborated on numerous award-winning and bestselling nonfiction books. She lives in South Nyack, New York.
- Paperback : 336 pages
- ISBN-10 : 007142492X
- Item Weight : 13.7 ounces
- ISBN-13 : 978-0071424929
- Dimensions : 5.4 x 0.7 x 8.4 inches
- Publisher : McGraw-Hill Education; 1st edition (October 1, 2003)
- Language: : English
- Best Sellers Rank: #465,000 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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My husband read the book, too. He has for the past 4 years been a believer in the style of discipline promoted by John Rosemond: very authoritarian and a strict disciplinarian of the old school, "just like your grandmother." This style has become very popular lately, as American children seem to be more insolent, violent and disrespectful than ever before. A reversion to that old-time discipline seems, at first blush, to be the answer.
Although we certainly want our children to be well-behaved and respectful, we also want them to be happy and well-adjusted, not sneaky and defiant. After reading Samalin's thoughtful book, my husband and I have decided that we agree with Rosemond's goals, but not his methods. Samalin will give you options, and ways to be an authoritative parent, instead of an authoritarian one. THAT INSIGHT ALONE IS WORTH THE PRICE OF THIS BOOK, and there are many more.
I've never found one parenting book that has all the answers. In fact, the longer I'm a parent, the more convinced I am that there are no clear-cut instructions on discipline that are right for every child. But this book -- with its wonderful anecdotes, sample dialogues and calm, pragmatic suggestions -- is the one book I recommend above all others. I certainly wish my parents had read it.
Samalin divides parenting styles into three categories: 1) permissive (bad); 2) too strict (bad) and 3) "simply authoritative" which she recommends. What Samalin describes "simply authoritarian" is very appealing to me, and is much of what I already practice, although I have disagreed with and disliked previous authors' descriptions of the term "authoritarian" and never considered myself "authoritarian". I say this to let you know that if presently you bristle at the idea of being an authoritarian parent, be open to the possibility that how she defines it may be different than your present definition. This book is full of great advice and recommendations!
Regarding parental emotions, Samalin acknowledges that it is all right to feel some negative emotions but is quick to point out that as the adults we are responsible for not choosing to act in bad ways out of anger. For example, to calm ourselves down before saying something that is negative (such as name calling or using a demeaning tone of voice) or lashing out in physical ways such as spanking or inflicting any other act that causes physical pain. As mature adults it is our responsibility to use good judgment when deciding how to react to some problem. She recommends we become aware of our negative emotions and acknowledge their presence but not let them rule our choices and our behavior. For more detail on this subject, see Somali's earlier book "Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma".
I feel that parents who live the lifestyle that Samalin labels as "too permissive" will strongly dislike this book. Also parents whose goal is to be their child's best friend, or those who hesitate to set limits or those who waffle on their rules or consequences will dislike this book. The reason is that Samalin explains why those actions actually cause undesirable behavior in children; they cause the very behavior that parents wish would not exist!
This book is friendly toward mothers employed outside the home and there are sections about reducing motherhood guilt due to separation. This book does not in any way get into the debate of whether a mother should be at home with her children or go to work.
In case you are wondering about Somali's stance of punishment methods, she is against spanking and spends a good number of pages discouraging it (tip 49). She never once mentions the use of the ever-popular "time-outs" so, sadly, we miss her opinion on this entirely. Samalin recommends using consequences-warning of their impending use and if the offense occurs, to follow through on it and administer an appropriate consequence such as loss of playing with a certain toy, etc.
Samalin endorses prevention of parental burnout as essential to good parenting and I agree wholeheartedly. She gives only one remedy, however, separation. I was disappointed that other options are not discussed at all for the parents of children who are not yet ready to separate. Samalin encourages finding and using a good babysitter and then separating. Unfortunately here again is an area where I feel Samalin misses the mark by not stating that the developmental stage of the child and the child's unique personality and temperament should be taken into consideration before separations, especially for weekends or a longer vacation, are made. I personally feel that first and foremost whether the child can handle the separation should be the deciding factor. For a great book about motherhood stress and burnout see Dr. Kendall-Tackett's book "The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood".
All in all I found this book helpful and interesting despite some advice that I disagreed with, however I realize that no one book will be an exact copy of my own opinions unless I am the author! I honestly feel that to cram parenting advice for the broad range of ages one through teenage years is a daunting if not impossible task. I encourage parents of toddlers to read "The Discipline Book" by William Sears M.D.-I found this most helpful for the first year and the toddler years (although the author says it is for birth through age 10). This book by Dr. Sears really stresses the developmental stages of babies and young children and what we are to expect from certain ages and then how best to avoid problems. With that said, I do love Samalin's book for use from age 3 and up.