M. Jane Colette
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About M. Jane Colette
M. Jane Colette writes tragedy for people who like to laugh, comedy for the melancholy, and erotica for women and men who like their fantasies real. She believes rules and hearts were made to be broken; ditto the constraints of genres. The result? “A whole new sub-genre of her own… social realist erotica that’s frenetic and complex and often funny and very well observed.”
Also, smoking hot. Which is still the most important thing in erotica, romance... and, life?
A poster child Gemini, M. Jane Colette is, most of the time, at least two people. Her left-brain persona sold out long ago. She wears severely-cut suits of black, blue and only that shade of green (“No, not that shade—have you seen the colour of my hair and eyes? Please. Let’s coordinate.”) and spends a lot of time in board rooms, offices, and “war rooms” (what a name!) parsing lies. It’s a living.
(But, oh, what a plethora of source material...)
Her right-brain persona longs to be an iconoclast and an artist. When nobody’s looking, she writes poetry.
Tell Me (Harper Collins, 2015) is her left side’s and right side’s first collaboration.
You: “What’s with this talking about yourself in the third person thing?”
Me: “My therapist says it’s a coping-defensive-distancing technique. But it doesn’t do a lot of harm.”
You: “You sure? Cause it’s kind of creepy.”
Me: “Don’t judge me.”
They’re both inordinately fond of parentheses, em-dashes and non-sequiturs.
Left: “It’s how you knock ‘Them’ off-balance, before you move in for the kill.”
Right: “It’s how you defy the grammar-unartists and let language sing.”
They have the same taste in shoes.
Left: “It’s more of a fetish.”
Right: “Definitely a fetish. And not a cheap one. That’s why I let her sell out, by the way.”
They’re overwhelming and exhausting.
You: “I bet.”
Me: “You don’t know the half of it.”
Their second novel, Consequences, is coming Spring 2017.
Right: “Who’s writing it?”
Left: “This is something you really should discuss with us in advance.”
Right: “Yeah. Suppose we’re busy? I’ve got things to do, shoes to buy…”
Left: “Mmmm, shoes…”
Don’t worry. They already wrote it.
Right: “Then why isn’t it available on Amazon yet?”
Left: “Delayed gratification, gurrl, you ever heard of that?”
Exhausting. But they give a hell of an interview, don’t you think?
You can visit both sides of M. Jane Colette at mjanecolette.com and whisper into her ear in 140 characters at @mjanecolette.
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Titles By M. Jane Colette
This: this is about us. Always. An opportunity. A gift. A chance to come together again. And you want it as much as I do.
“Thank you for unhinging my sanity, threatening the stability of my life, with one text. Because that’s how it begins, one text, one message. “I’m coming to town. Would like to see you.”
And I think, why not? Old friend. Oldest of friends. Favourite of ex-lovers. Married now, as am I. Both anchored in lives full of obligation, responsibility to others. Safe. What’s the harm? We’re neither one of us stupid enough to risk our marriages, our families, our real lives. Are we?”
As Jane “sexts” her lover and attempts to figure out how this aspect of herself fits into the obligations of marriage and motherhood, other relationships around her strain, fracture, and collapse.
Her best friend is recklessly pursuing a series of cyber-affairs, while another friend attempts an open, polyamorous marriage. Her next-door neighbour is planning a wedding with her on-again/off-again lover—but will it really happen?
Meanwhile her lawyer-husband is exchanging a lot of texts with an adoring young associate. Does Jane care? Or is she too engulfed in her own sanity-straining cyber affair to really notice?
Meet Florence: I’ve done this before, looking for a partner or soul mate or someone-to-grow-to-love, and you know what? I’m done with that. Honestly. I’m just looking for some casual sex. All I’m interested in is a one-night stand, or several—not all of them with you. Just making it clear that I’m interested in playing with multiple partners. I don’t want to get attached and I don’t want you to get attached.
Meet Will: I’m reeling from a recent divorce and incapable of having a meaningful relationship, possibly even a meaningful conversation. The only upside to my situation is that after fifteen years of monogamy I get to chase all the strange I want.
He’s freshly divorced and in denial. She's twice-burnt and prickly. They’re a terrible idea. They know this. But every time their eyes meet, their clothes come off. Still—they’re not going to fall in love. They are not.
Not even if this one night stand has 365 days.
This complete Text Me, Cupid edition contains all four scandalous episodes, previously published (and still available) individually as the e-novellas Messy Christmas, Delayed Valentine, Bittersweet Halloween, and Saving Christmas. It also contains the bonus stories "Will and Florence, 25 years later" and “Awkward Cupid.”
Ida just wants to be normal. Being cuffed and whipped until you come and come and come? Perfectly normal. Loving two men at once? Not for her.
Jamie is a recently divorced musician who wants to enjoy being single without risking his freedom, his heart or his kids’ custody arrangement.
They’re nobody’s true love story. Except in the are-you-sure-it’s-legal hookah bar called Monte Carlo…
The third novella in the Cupid in Monte Carlo trilogy.
Edward is living the dream. Every woman wants him in her bed, and every man wants him on his team. He just wants to forget.
Tara is an unstoppable force. She knows what she wants, goes after it—gets it, uses it. Leaves it. She likes things just fine that way.
They’re not meant for each other. Not at all. Except they keep on ending up in each other’s arms, in the (mostly) legal hookah bar called Monte Carlo…
The second novella in the Cupid in Monte Carlo trilogy.
a lover who’s so over her.
Patrice is an unemployed hand model who’s run out of hopes
Victor is an ambitious accountant saddled with a father who doesn’t understand money—or laws.
They’re screwed. Until they find each other in the not-quite legal hookah bar called Monte Carlo…
The first novella in the Cupid in Monte Carlo trilogy.
“I’m just done, done, done dating divorced men. And, especially dads. No more single dads, no more part-time dads. You know what I want? I want to be first. I want to come first. And I don’t just mean in bed. I mean, I want to come before the stupid kids’ Christmas concert or violin recital. Or flu. Do you know how often kids get sick? All-the-time. Constantly. That’s it. No more dads.”
Famous last words, right? You know how this story goes. Christie, however, doesn’t…
A short, flirty, FUNNY, a tiny-bit filthy Valentine’s Day Gift from M. Jane Colette.
Booklets in the series include:
• 101 Flirty Writing Prompts to Seduce Your Inner Muse
• Rough Draft Confessions: Not a Guide to Writing Romance & Erotica But Full of Inside Insight Anyway
• Organized Creative: Productivity, Organization, & Sanity Secrets for the Chaotically Inclined
• Secrets of the Process Journal aka Plotting for Procrastinators
Developed to support M. Jane Colette’s popular writing workshops, the Dirty Writing Secrets guides debunk myths, disarm your inner censor, and show you how to write with freedom, commitment, discipline, and, above all, the passion that makes for stories readers devour.
In Episode 4: Saving Christmas, Will wants commitment. Florence wants... freedom. Is anybody going to get what they want for Christmas? (Spoiler alert: it’s a romance, baby! Everybody gets a happy ending.)
iwillornot: Hey there, Songbird. What’s cooking?
notanightingale: Why are you messaging me on OKC?
iwillornot: Why is your OKC profile still up?
notanightingale: Why is yours and why are you on it?
notanightingale: Are you?
iwillornot: Livid. I’m not having sex with you for six weeks as punishment. FYI.
iwillornot: But seriously, why is your OKC profile still up?
notanightingale: But seriously, why is someone whose OKC profile still up asking me this question?
iwillornot: I went on the app to disable it, actually. So I’m not one of those assholes not responding to messages from gorgeous but desperate women. Because I’m in a relationship. With a gorgeous-not-desperate woman I adore.
iwillornot: And then I thought if you hadn’t de-activated yours, I’d send you a message through it… because—do you know what today is?
notanightingale: Oh, Will. I do—now. But I forgot. Our first text-anniversary. That’s so sweet.
iwillornot: It was supposed to be sweet. And now we’re fighting over why we’re leaving our options open.
notanightingale: Is that what we’re doing?
notanightingale: Don’t worry. We’ll have sex and make up.
iwillornot: I told you, no sex for six weeks.
notanightingale: You won’t make it.
iwillornot: Watch me. Will of Iron, that’s what they call me.
notanightingale: Will of Iron, does that mean I should bring a puzzle or a board game or something to amuse myself Wednesday night?
iwillornot: I was thinking, I’m gonna tie you up, and watch terrible porn, and jack off while you lay there, not having sex.
notanightingale: You are the most romantic man in the whole entire world.
iwillornot: I try.
notanightingale: See you Wednesday. Don’t forget to pick up some rope after work.
iwillornot: Aren’t you going to provide that?
notanightingale: I’m bringing the board game. As Plan B. In case you don’t know how to tie knots.
iwillornot: Oh, baby. You should see the things I can do with knots.
iwillornot: But seriously, Florence, are you going to disable your profile?
In Episode 3: Bittersweet Halloween, Will comes back to town after four months away, and all he wants is Florence. Florence is almost ready for a relationship. Sort of. Kind of. Maybe? But she’s got issues.
Florence Gunn: Tomorrow?
Will Ornot: Tomorrow. Excited?
Florence Gunn: Maybe.
Will Ornot: You’re such a bitch. Admit you’re excited.
Florence Gunn: I said, maybe.
Will Ornot: Tell me you missed me.
Florence Gunn: How could I miss you? We texted every single day.
Will Ornot: not every single day
Florence Gunn: Every. Single. Day.
Will Ornot: Florence?
Florence Gunn: Will?
Will Ornot: Would it kill you to admit that a) this is a relationship and b) you missed me and c) you’re excited that I’m coming home tomorrow?
Florence Gunn: Suppose it does? Is that a risk you’re willing to take?
Will Ornot: WTF?
Florence Gunn: Suppose it does kill me to admit that a) this is a relationship and b) I missed you and c) I’m excited that you’re coming home tomorrow? Is that a risk you’re willing to take?
Will Ornot: :)
Will Ornot: I saw what you did there.
Will they get their happy ending? Damn straight. This is a romance, after all. But first--they will make each other suffer, and drive Cupid crazy.
“I’ve done this before, looking for a partner or soul mate or someone-to-grow-to-love, and you know what? I’m done with that. Honestly. I’m just looking for some casual sex. A one night stand. Specifically, during December, because it’s a weird season.”
“I don’t respond to creeps, children, married men, or fat people. Sorry. I am that shallow. I might consider couples, if you’re both fit and cute. (Shallow. Really shallow. I’m not kidding about that.)”
She really is that shallow:
“You’re not teasing about the hair? I can do bald, but only if it comes with killer abs.”
This is Will:
“I’m reeling from a recent divorce and incapable of having a meaningful relationship. The only upside to my situation is that after fifteen years of monogamy I get to chase all the strange I want.”
Will has plans:
In this head, she was already naked. Was she going to be covered with freckles? God, yes—freckles everywhere. He would find every single one.
Did I mention, Will has plans?
“See, I’ve only known you for five minutes, and I already know you like to be in control. We’re going to change that.”
Florence likes him:
“You’re very sweet. And cute. Totally as advertised. Fit. Hair. Also, as tall as your profile said, which is a bonus. Do you know that almost all men on dating sites like about their height? They add two inches. And not just to their… you-know-what’s. Seriously.”
But it’s not going to work out:
“You’re so sweet. So hot. But it’s not going to work out. I already know.”
Or is it?
Delayed Valentine is the second novella in the TEXT ME, CUPID series: a steamy love story in four episodes, featuring a hero and heroine with a painful past, a complicated present, and... well... what’s going to happen in their future? Experience their unique, hilarious, and heart-wrenching love story through 2018 with MESSY CHRISTMAS (December 2017), DELAYED VALENTINE (February 2018), BITTERSWEET HALLOWEEN (August 2018), and SAVING CHRISTMAS (November 2018). The full TEXT ME, CUPID novel, in print, audio and ebook format—is coming December 2018.
A perfect Valentine's gift for the queer reader in your life.
Featuring fiction (or is it?), poetry, and non-fiction (or is it?) from Dallas Barnes, L. Sara Bysterveld, Lotis Cervantes, M. Jane Colette, Marzena Czarnecka, Elisa Kae, Brooke Nicholas, Alyssa Linn Palmer, Nola Sarina, Dana Stan, T, and PW Zellie, and photography by Jennifer Weihmann.
SCREW CHOCOLATE:14 QUEER valentines to get you through February 14
by YYC Queer Writers
curated by M. Jane Colette
photography by Jennifer Weihmann
Mountains & Moments by T
Karma, in Pronouns by Marzena Czarnecka
The Long Commute by L. Sara Bysterveld
It Happens Like This by Dana Stan
Try by M. Jane Colette
Sunrise by Brooke Nicholas
Want by T
Get The Fuck Up & Love by Dallas Barnes
Elizabeth by Nola Sarina
Instructions by PW Zellie
Unmentionables by Alyssa Linn Palmer
The Shy Girl’s Guide to Sexting by M. Jane Colette
Delivery by Elisa Kae
Alter Ego In A Red Tie by Lotis Cervantes