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About Matthew Dean
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Blog postOne day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river. The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn’t see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back. Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rus
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Blog postThe Congressman groaned, and slowly opened his eyes, blinking at the bright lights of the room. “What… what in the — ” “Ah, Congressman, you’re awake!” A man in a white coat suddenly appeared next to him. “Where… where am I?” The Congressman rubbed his forehead. “Saint Rita of Cascia Hospital. Just outside Washington, D.C.” “I don’t… How did I get here?” “We transported you here from Dr. Edwards’ office. Do you remember being there this afternoon?” “Yes. For knee pain.” He looked around at the
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Blog postPart 7 of The Holiday Story Series… Many years ago, the queendom of Hallow was diminishing in power. Every year it was brutally attacked by the nearby kingdom of Brussels, who was known for sending thousands of young warriors into battle, who they called sprouts. “What shall we do?” cried the people. The queen wanted to save them, but all her efforts to negotiate a peace had failed. An old man, stepped forward. “I have an idea,” he said. The old man was known for his wisdom, so everyone listene
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Blog postA rant from a person on the Internet. Okay, look, man, full disclosure, I don’t know anything about Hello Kitty, but as far as I can tell, that thing is a cat. And then you’re telling me, some company I’ve never heard of, Sanrio or something, suddenly declares it’s not a cat? Well F THAT. F THAT IN THE A. Just look at that thing. It’s got G-dang whiskers, and it’s got G-dang f-ing cat ears! How can you tell me that that white thing has not the qualities I have typically ascribed to a feline? Oh
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Blog postOne night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to him and the other to Jesus. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, He looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life, There was only one set of human footprints, And one set of very large three-toed footprints.
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Blog postOriginally published on Figment on April 18, 2012, as a dramatization of this Github thread, in which Bootstrap opted not to use semi-colons in their JavaScript, which didn’t work in Douglas Crockford’s JSMin (and didn’t make Mr. Crockford very happy). Not using semi-colons in your JavaScript is a way to start a culture war, so I decided to write this culture war to its logical end: THE END OF THE WORLD. Dangerous Punctuation Chapter 1 Jacob Thornton leaned back in his chair, fo
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Blog postYou Know Joel Therefore, love Joel. Joel Died For Your Sins Wait, I may be thinking of someone else. Still, it’s plausible. Joel Is Better Than Not-Joel Think of someone who is not Joel. Are they your best friend? No. Therefore, Joel is your best friend. Joel Will Always Be There For You But maybe not if you don’t seal the friend deal as soon as possible. Because Joel There are some who are Joel-like. But they are not Joel. Joel is the best reason to Joel.
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Blog postI wrote this take on Amazing Grace some time ago, and it’s still one of my favorite songs I’ve written. Lyrically, as Homer would say, it’s just beautifully sacrilicious. [soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/44053819″ params=”auto_play=false&hide_related=false&visual=true” width=”100%” height=”450″ iframe=”true” /]
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Blog postOriginal story discovered here: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=656437111052603&set=a.560340610662254.23312430.554481657914816 And now, with more T-Rex… — During a seminar, a woman asked, “How do I know if I am with the right person?” The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, “It depends. Is that your partner?” In all seriousness, she answered: “How do you know?” “Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing
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Blog postIt’s sunny outside! It’s time to play! But has daddy had his coffee today? The park is filled with fun, I bet! But has daddy had his coffee yet? Maybe we’ll find the funnest spot! But is coffee brewing in the pot? We could skip stones down the stream! But does daddy’s coffee yet have cream? We’ll make the day a wondrous trip! But has daddy had a coffee sip? You’ve put shoes on and laced them up! But has daddy finished all his cup? There’s lots of things to do today! Daddy’s had coffee! Let’s go
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Blog post‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar plums danc’d in their heads, And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap — When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the mat
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Blog postA lot of Canadians have misconceptions on what Remembrance Day really is. Some of our young people even refuse to wear the red poppy, saying that it’s associated with war. Instead, they wear a white poppy with the word “peace” on it. But their actions are seriously misinformed, and might, in fact, have the deadliest consequences. For not only is the red poppy not associated with war, the white “peace” poppy has a most terrible association: the impending Robot Uprising of 2032. I know what you’r
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Blog postI was interviewed recently by Matt Posner for the School of the Ages blog. Check it out! http://schooloftheages.webs.com/apps/blog/show/34609815-author-interview-awesomologist-matthew-dean
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Blog postDo you remember your last holiday? When you and your Mommy travelled away? And Daddy stayed home, with much work to do, Even though he’d have liked to travel with you? Well, the night before you and your Mommy came home, Daddy was having an evening alone, Baking some muffins with apples and cream, And making sure all of the dishes were clean. The kittens were fed and the beds were all made, The shelves were all dusted and the bills were all paid. And Daddy had fixed the bad cabinet door, That M
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Blog postIn the town I was raised, In the school of my youth, The kids hung together In different groups There were kids who liked baseball And kids who sang songs And kids who told jokes And some laughed all day long. But one kid stood out By the name of Joe Tully. The kids all made way For Joe the class Frully. “You there!” he would shout, “Have you money for lunch? “You don’t? Well, take this, “And enjoy while you munch.” “Hey kid!” Joe would yell. “Yes, you with the glasses! “You look very fine, “I
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Blog postMe: God, can I ask You a question? God: Sure Me: Promise You won’t get mad God: I promise Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today? God: What do u mean? Me: Well, I woke up late God: Yes Me: My car took forever to start God: Okay Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait God: Hmmm Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call God: All right Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager &
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Blog postBurned Biscuits – A lesson we all should learn. When I was a kid, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! All my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don’t remem
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Blog postA psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As he raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on his face, he inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. He replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in m
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Blog postI brought up this article in a conversation at a party last night, when it was said that Beyoncé should not have been so scantily dressed in her first solo breakout music video. This line came from the article came to mind during the conversation: “It seems like everyone wants to get in on the action when it comes to giving women advice on how they should clothe themselves. Women’s bodies often get viewed as some sort of communal drawing board, open for commentary from every angle. This c
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Blog postPart 5 of the Holiday Story Series Look, I was a bit rude when I started telling you the Story of Thanksgiving before. I probably said some things and used some language that I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to ruin anything, or be the bad seed at the party, so let’s just put it behind us and have a good time today. I really am grateful for all of you. I am. I mean, I know I haven’t acted like it all the time, and we’ve had our differences, but it’s not like there wasn’t some give
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Blog post“We only have six minutes until the oxygen runs out,” said Barry. “Six minutes?” said Don. “You mean six minutes until our lives are completely over?” “That’s right,” said Barry. “Well, maybe not six minutes on the dot, and we won’t die right away. Probably we’ll lose consciousness and then die.” “Still,” said Don, “that’s a very short time before it all comes to an end.” “Truly,” said Barry. “It’s very strange to know that. Death always seemed like something mysterious, something that would jus
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Blog postPart 4 of the Holiday Story Series Most people think there’s some kind of association of Thanksgiving with pioneers and stuff. Those people don’t know what they’re talking about, and you should probably tell them so. In fact, it would behoove you to go up to them at a party and say, “Carl, you don’t know what the fuck you’ve been saying about Thanksgiving. I have it on good authority that it is not associated with pioneers and stuff. Fuck you and your American romantic myths!” And then you’ll c
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Blog postLYRICS: She’s a girl with twinkle eyes And wears a smile like summertime He’s a man, guitar in hand, Who sings deep and it sounds so fine She laces up her shoes and turns around And begins to walk away He picks up his guitar and tunes it up and Begins to play Oh sweet girl Put away your shoes and Listen to some music What you got to lose, yeah Oh sweet girl There’s nothing’ here to do but Slide into a groove and Put away your shoes. She hears the sound and turns around And smiles down upon her
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Blog postI created a short film about and starring puppets, as a gift for Valentine’s Day. It’s awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjzNtS2goZ8
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Blog postHi, folks. Yesterday, I was at an awards show in Calgary for Big Rock called the Eddies. Along with some cohorts, I submitted a beer commercial for their contest, which didn’t win, but was one of the finalists. Some of you probably will recognize the guy starring in it. Enjoy. http://vimeo.com/12315315
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Blog postPart 3 of the Holiday Story Series The holiday of Easter is confusing to some, with it’s combination of the resurrection story and chocolate eggs and bunnies. These things seem to be completely separate. Or ARE they… You see, there was a period of Jesus’ life… or is it Jesus’s life… or let’s just call it J’s life… or maybe we’ll spell that out as Jay’s life… it’s a good nickname… anyway, there’s this whole swath of time about his life that most people don’t know about it. And the reason why peo
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Blog postPart 2 of the Holiday Story Series Many people believe that the origins of Valentine’s Day are a little hazy. There were several martyrs named Valentine, who were later declared to be saints. But the real story of Valentine’s Day has a different origin. An alien origin. It all started in the days of the reign of the Evil Lord Xenu. Xenu was busy incarcerating other alien species, which he eventually planed to send to earth on ships that looked like DC-8s (except with rocket engines). Xenu had m
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Blog postPart 1 of the Holiday Story Series Mary, a virgin, was living in Galilee of Nazareth and was engaged to be married to Joseph, a Jewish carpenter. While Mary was still engaged to Joseph, she miraculously became pregnant, and eventually told Joseph. Joseph reminded her that under Jewish law, he not only had the right to divorce Mary, but that she could be put to death by stoning. “Um,” said Mary, “in that case, this child is the son of God. An angel told me.” Joseph relaxed a bit, slightly loosen
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Blog postToday as I was standing in line at Starbucks, About to order an eggnog latte. A man in a motorized wheelchair Came up behind me. I realized I was wearing a pedometer And I felt weird.
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Blog postShe loved waffles. She was a waffle-lover. She would dream of them while she slept and while she was awake; their golden crispy edges dancing tantalizingly, their little grids of waffle-bumps repeating infinitely, their alluring scent drifting through the air, promising the almost devastatingly delicious explosion of maple-syrupy golden sweetness that would come with waffle-devouring. She loved waffles. If waffles could be personified, she would have married that person. She would have
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Blog postO glorious, globous goo, You don’t know how much I love you. Pinkish substance, stretching mass, Imprint yourself upon my mind. You are quite silly, O Silly Putty. You stay with me through clean and muddy. Show me backwards newspaper print, Ball of glory, Egg-shaped beauty, Be careful not to pick up lint. Whether pancake, ball, or snake, My love for you is no mistake. You are forever my bouncing buddy. Please stay with me, my pink devotion, O glorious, globous Silly Putty.
Titles By Matthew Dean
