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The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, Third Edition Paperback – January 27, 2003
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Studies conservatively estimate, Vaughan reveals, that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair. "These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other," she says. "If even half the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages."
Vaughn outlines the societal causes and supporters of affairs, from the commercialization of sex in every visible nook and cranny of our world to our lifelong tendency to surround sex with secrecy. She also lists the common desperate measures that people take when they suspect they're being cheated on, and why they don't work. (Vaughn herself resorted to becoming a gourmet cook, wearing sexy underwear, and acting like a sex fiend in bed, all to no avail.) She also tells what to expect during a confrontation, and includes copious techniques for rebuilding self-esteem. There's also information about how to choose a marriage counselor or group therapist and, even more important, when to stop seeing one. For couples--especially those with children--debating whether to divorce or remain married, there's plenty of proven guidance to be found here. --Erica Jorgensen --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
"An outstanding and wonderfully helpful book." —Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger
"This book saved my marriage, and probably my sanity—and maybe my very life." —A letter from a grateful reader
"Thorough and measured…An intelligent look at the experience of adultery, the healing process, and final outcomes." —Booklist
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Top Customer Reviews
Ms. Vaughan has drawn insightfully from her extensive work with her Beyond Affairs Network. Unlike many self-styled or state-sanctioned (i.e., licensed mental health) experts, Ms. Vaughan actually uses more reality than dogma to inform her advice. For instance, her research shows that the leading variable in managing to stay together well after an affair is the willingness and ability to talk (and talk and talk and talk) about the affair for as long as needed to detoxify and demystify it. (Her research also shows that most people trying to deal with the aftermath of an affair find mental health types considerably les than informed or helpful, despite their beliefs in their great expertise. As a trained and experienced psychotherapist, and a well-respected scholar, I can tell you that the mainstream training and professional literature--not to mention self-help--on infidelity is mostly just dogma that mental health types have concocted out of thin air, not anything anyone has actually discovered through research.)
I do find a one thing a bit troubling. As I see it, she does not give due weight to issues of individual moral responsibility. There are two sides to this. First, she generally denies that adultery reflects personal failings, placing far more emphasis on social factors to explain why adultery takes place. She does not produce an argument, so far as I can see, against the idea of personal failings; rather she poses an alternative to that idea. But to pose an alternative to an idea is not to show the idea wrong.Read more ›
Basic premise seems to be that a cheating spouse is not to blame for their
behavior. It provides all sorts of 'society made him do it' nonsense. I was looking for a book that would help me to heal and somehow rebuild my marriage with my husband after discovering his long term affair with my best friend. I suppose different people may find it helpful but I found it to be completely worthless in that regard.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
I've read well over a dozen books on the subject and this by far was the most helpful in breaking down and examining the dynamics of affairs. Read morePublished 2 months ago by Lindagail
Book dealing with a subject that more people are experiencing the affects of. This book helps to answer questions and equip you to work thru the chaos.Published 4 months ago by KP
The best. Totally different approach from normal guidance.Published 5 months ago by Susan Howard Hancock
This book is so enlightening and provides a different perspective of relationships.Published 11 months ago by Tanika
Great book after recent discovery of spouse's affairs. Helps to see that it's not just you that feels all these crazy emotions. Offers practical advice to move forward.Published 19 months ago by Janette Burleigh
Great book! So smart, it will help you to understand your situation and decide what to do in your future life.Published 21 months ago by Olga S.
It really helped me to heal from the initial trauma and have some hope for the future. At least, knowing that she and many others went through the same ordeals and exactly the same... Read morePublished 22 months ago by Ilena