Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on February 16, 2012
This product has undoubtedly changed my life in unsuspected , and profound ways.I received the '3 wolf moon' t-shirt as a gift from my late mother while she was on her death bed. Her act was one of desperation, so eager was she for me to produce a blood line.
Sadly for her, my lack of animal magnetism, my creepy smile, beady eyes hidden behind thick lenses, and a complete absence of any redeemable qualities complicated quite significantly my potential for romance.
Being a 40 year old bachelor did not help my predicament. With her skinny trembling arms, she handed over to me the '3 wolf moon' garment, before uttering her final words, with a slow monotonous rhythmical squawk: "If this does not help you infect the collective gene pool, nothing will!" Seconds later, she croaked.
incredulous, I began wearing my t-shirt around the office, under my trendy cardigans. At first, I did not notice any effect, but as the week progressed, I became aware of hormonal changes amongst my female coworkers.
Now this may sound a little unconventional, but for years, I had been keeping a calendar designed to track the menstrual cycles of all women in my path, whether they despised me, or just politely ignored me. Maintaining this calender was no easy task. It required Nazi like discipline coupled with a significant time investment.
Every conceivable strategy was considered: eaves dropping, observation and note taking, meticulous sanitary bin inspections etc... My hope was that given auspicious conditions, and the right amount of alcohol, the mysterious process of ovulation would work in my favor.
So devoted was I to honor my mother's wish, that an entire wall of my apartment was covered with calenders, maps ,informative 'sticky notes' and photos concerning the candidates for my improbable romantic affairs. I called it the 'love shrine'.
So, going back to my story, I suddenly noticed a change in the hormonal cycles of my female coworkers, followed by actual non hostile verbal communication: Words like 'hello' or 'are you OK?' It suddenly dawned on me that I was slowly morphing into the human equivalent of a dominating moose at the height of the breeding season. I theorized that the '3 wolf moon' t-shirt was generating an irresistible field of 'sexual gravity' around me.
The great breakthrough came the third week in the local supermarket toilet paper isle.
As I was picking up my monthly lot of 16 recycled rolls (Yes, I am a committed nature conservationist, and I am so at the great expense of my personal comfort), I quite coincidentally bumped into Gertrude, from client services. At first, I chastised her about her unethical hygienic shopping choices. She was, quite understandably, awestruck by the unwavering confidence that I had in my own self righteousness. The fact that I was now proudly and ostentatiously wearing my '3 wolf moon' super garment over rather than under my cardigans only multiplied the effect! I decided to jump on the opportunity without wasting another second. I nonchalantly asked her if she was interested in seeing my priceless etching collection stored at the back of my dusty brown van. Subdued by the secret powers of '3 wolf moon' and uninhibited from the absent judging eyes of her pears, she enthusiastically agreed, and she did so despite my grotesque (albeit highly appropriate for the season) Canadian winter hat with ear flaps. And off we went, into the van. This is when things got a little foggy. I passed out. I should have prepared physically, and mentally for the powers that I unleashed. Little did I know how difficult this would turn out to be!
When I came back to my senses, I was alone, naked and bruised, spread like a rag doll across the cold metal van floor. Gertrude, a shy mouse of a woman, driven by uncontrollable subconscious desires, in a brutal animal like mating ritual, had battered me unconscious.She was later found lifeless in a frozen river. I guess she realized that a stud like me would never embrace monogamy, and since nothing could ever top her climactic experience, she chose the easy way out. I could hardly blame her for that, and upon this realization, felt quite mortified. However, I decided that it was futile to let empathy get in the way of the bountiful delights I had to offer the world and women in general.Being awesome comes at a price! I usually hate paraphrasing, but As Nietzsche put it so well "Egoism is the very essence of a noble soul."
Since then I have been relentlessly steamrolling the female gender on an almost industrial scale, leaving behind nothing but a trail of chaos, devastation and cramped toes. I mention toes, because quite often, it's all that remains from my wild encounters. Now you may ask : "Why would a woman radiating with satisfaction ever respond with a 'Thanks for a good time, have some toes!'? It's a mystery to me as well! The field of evolutionary psychology may one day answer this question.
I wish I could remember the details of what goes on in my van! I have to confess that this ritualistic toe offering is really starting to weigh me down. I just don't know what to do with them anymore.At first I stored them in shoe boxes, but the sheer quantity lead me to search for creative solutions: Lucky charms, Polish sausages, nativity scenes and what not.
I am now on the run from the police. I have officially been declared 'too sexy' for society, and the members of my ever growing harem, probably all suffering from an acute version of the "Ikarus syndrome", have vanished into the wilderness. It's a possibility, that somewhere in the vast northern forests, a tribe of untamed bare footed amazons, freed from the shackles of civilization, their toned naked bodies covered with animal skins, their ankles adorned with golden jewels,are roaming amongst the trees, holding spears and secretly hoping for the return of their awesome '3 wolf moon' stud ... I can only speculate at this stage.
All I know for sure is that I went from chronically 'blue-balled' to this .. and it only cost mother $11,95!
Pros:
- I get to score a lot
- Feeling like a God
- Looking hot in all occasions
Cons:
- Post coital amnesia
- Being on the police most wanted list
- Toes and what to do with them
- Makes women vanish.
