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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands Paperback – May 12, 2005
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From Publishers Weekly
Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
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"Offbeat and laugh-out-loud-funny essays... smart, funny, and quick read." (Library Journal Review)
"Where have I been all of Chelsea Handler's life? I had no idea how funny, how brilliant she is…she is too clever for words." (Liz Smith New York Post)
In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt."
(Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry, Dating Big Bird, and Her)
"Chelsea Handler is a terrific comedian and a hilarious writer."
"This book is no-holds-barred hilarious."
(Jennifer Weiner, author of In Her Shoes and Little Earthquakes)
"[Chelsea] just might be funnier than David Sedaris."
"Prime reading material for anyone looking to laugh their hiney off."
Top customer reviews
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The writing is just like one gal-pal talking to another, Chelsea doesn't take herself (or anyone) too seriously which is quite refreshing. Very candid about sex and sexual situations but not vulgar enough to make a woman of the modern world blush.
Chelsea wrote this book way before Broad City, Amy Schumer, and Issa Rae. She was one of the first to capitalize on the raunchy funny female thing.
Having said that, I didn’t find anything here to be particularly graphic. I don’t get people who are like "I’m not prudish at all but I didn’t like this book." If you found this book to be too much, you're probs on the prudish side. There’s more sex on network TV. We’re in a post-SATC era folks. I mean the girls of Broad City talk about pegging for God’s sake. If sex isn’t your thing, this isn’t the book for you.
Being one of many siblings has made Chelsea a natural goofball around people, considering she seems to be the most mischievous and outgoing and perhaps the funniest. From an early age she hasn't shied away from figuring out things that parents want to keep hidden for as long as possible, resulting in a hunger that made her life look like one giant party. It was funny reading this and thinking that now I'm the age Chelsea was when the book was ending, and comparing of course how insanely different we are, I still had a blast reading about her conquests, one night stands ( half of them were more than one night, it made me laugh) and in between bizzaro incidents that made me feel better about my own past, I guess young men are mostly frogs and she proves it well in this hilarious memoir of sorts. Now no offence to the normal men out there, I believe you're hiding in between the wolves but they weren't so common in this bedside memoir.
This was a fun and fast read, something one can get through in a day or two, it might induce cravings for cocktails as one reads it, and I know I wanted one during each chapter. Chelsea is honest and funny, her personality really shines through even if it's bit over the top sometimes but ultimately she proves that she's a good friend to those close to her and I like that about her, she's not empty, she cares and she has a good heart.
I watch her show with my bf every night and it rarely fails to make us laugh, sometimes it gets boring, other times its really out there, but she says whatever she thinks of celebs and calls them out when they are lame and I love that. She brings some much needed humility to the Hollywood scene but always with some laughs.
- Kasia S.
I got probably thirty percent through the book before I started laughing. Much of the first part of the book is nearly painful to read. It's a series of one night stands which is what I expected. They're just too distasteful for my tastes, and that's pretty hard to do. I'm not sure what it was, but they weren't funny at all. As a previous reviewer said, the "ick factor" overrode anything funny about them for me. There are some good chapters. The last half of it is all right and more in line with her usual comedy. I found myself laughing through most of the last few chapters.
I just wish the first half was better. I'm not sorry I bought the book because it did give me some laughs. I was disappointed with the first half of it, though. I nearly quit reading before I got to the good part.