- Paperback: 213 pages
- Publisher: Bloomsbury USA; Later Printing edition (June 6, 2005)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 1582346186
- ISBN-13: 978-1582346182
- Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.6 x 8.3 inches
- Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
- Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars See all reviews (1,519 customer reviews)
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #544,647 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands Paperback – May 12, 2005
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"Theft by Finding: Diaries (1977-2002)" by David Sedaris
In one of the most anticipated books of 2017, David Sedaris tells a story that is, literally, a lifetime in the making. Pre-order today
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From Publishers Weekly
Opening with a cute story from when she was seven and photographed her parents having sex, stand-up comedian Handler goes on to discuss the virtues of the one-night stand, which amount to having sex early enough so you're not months into a relationship before you discover he's into "anal beads and duct tape." She discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing." After him, there's a "little midget," but she sobers up before sleeping with him. Next come a number of would-be partners with penises too small to consider. Finally, there's a guy Handler does sleep with, only an embarrassing incident involving a "giant skid mark" prevents her from seeing him again. By the end, Handler considers settling down with one man, which might actually net her more sex than these mostly unconsummated one-night stands. Anyone who laughs at the mere mention of vaginas and penises may find Handler's book almost as much fun as getting drunk and waking up in some stranger's bed.
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"Offbeat and laugh-out-loud-funny essays... smart, funny, and quick read." (Library Journal Review)
"Where have I been all of Chelsea Handler's life? I had no idea how funny, how brilliant she is…she is too clever for words." (Liz Smith New York Post)
In a word: hilarious. In two: absolutely hilarious. These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt."
(Laura Zigman, author of Animal Husbandry, Dating Big Bird, and Her)
"Chelsea Handler is a terrific comedian and a hilarious writer."
"This book is no-holds-barred hilarious."
(Jennifer Weiner, author of In Her Shoes and Little Earthquakes)
"[Chelsea] just might be funnier than David Sedaris."
"Prime reading material for anyone looking to laugh their hiney off."
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Top Customer Reviews
I suspect there's two good reasons for this.
First, Chelsea Handler in this narrative is really a sixteen-year old boy in a twentysomething woman's body. This idea alone can set anyone's sexual imagination on fire, and it's this uninhibited, anything-goes attitude towards sex that makes "My Horizontal Life" a difficult book to read. Yeah, it's a great book to publish and to purchase and to perhaps to read the first few pages, but the narrative gets boring and repetitive pretty fast. It scintillates and it titillates, but it doesn't entertain at all -- we all know the punchline now, Chelsea, let's move on.
Second, I suspect the great majority -- if not the entire book -- is fabricated. There's a lot of people on planet Earth, and I'm sure there's got to be one or two sixteen-year old boys in a twentysomething woman's body (which would make them a lesbian, wouldn't it?), but I don't think Chelsea Handler happens to be one of them. Like any storyteller, she's merely embellishing and vastly exaggerating details from her life in order to play to the sexual fantasies of her twentysomething audience who wish they were sixteen-year olds.
None of this would matter (she is Chelsea Handler, after all, and we can neither expect veracity or enlightenment), but the book also seems to have been written overnight by a precocious sixteen-year old on a Ritalin overdose.
Something real does come across from the book, and it's that no matter how successful and famous Chelsea Handler becomes she's a deeply insecure woman, and that fuels her drive to be famous -- to appear on as much television and to write as many books as she can. Perhaps one day she'll grow up, and write a serious book about who she really is -- and that would be a book worth reading.
Being one of many siblings has made Chelsea a natural goofball around people, considering she seems to be the most mischievous and outgoing and perhaps the funniest. From an early age she hasn't shied away from figuring out things that parents want to keep hidden for as long as possible, resulting in a hunger that made her life look like one giant party. It was funny reading this and thinking that now I'm the age Chelsea was when the book was ending, and comparing of course how insanely different we are, I still had a blast reading about her conquests, one night stands ( half of them were more than one night, it made me laugh) and in between bizzaro incidents that made me feel better about my own past, I guess young men are mostly frogs and she proves it well in this hilarious memoir of sorts. Now no offence to the normal men out there, I believe you're hiding in between the wolves but they weren't so common in this bedside memoir.
This was a fun and fast read, something one can get through in a day or two, it might induce cravings for cocktails as one reads it, and I know I wanted one during each chapter. Chelsea is honest and funny, her personality really shines through even if it's bit over the top sometimes but ultimately she proves that she's a good friend to those close to her and I like that about her, she's not empty, she cares and she has a good heart.
I watch her show with my bf every night and it rarely fails to make us laugh, sometimes it gets boring, other times its really out there, but she says whatever she thinks of celebs and calls them out when they are lame and I love that. She brings some much needed humility to the Hollywood scene but always with some laughs.
- Kasia S.