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Guy Branum

My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture Hardcover – July 31, 2018

by Guy Branum (Author), Mindy Kaling (Foreword)

4.5 320 ratings

Goodreads Choice Award nominee

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In the vein of New York Times bestsellers Why Not Me? by Mindy Kaling and We Are Never Meeting in Real Life by Samantha Irby, a collection of side-splitting and illuminating essays by the popular stand-up comedian, alum of Chelsea Lately and The Mindy Project, and host of truTV’s Talk Show the Game Show.

From a young age, Guy Branum always felt as if he were on the outside looking in.

Self-taught, introspective, and from a stiflingly boring farm town, he couldn’t relate to his neighbors. While other boys played outside, he stayed indoors reading Greek mythology. And being gay and overweight, he got used to diminishing himself. But little by little, he started learning from all the sad, strange, lonely outcasts in history who had come before him, and he started to feel hope.

In this collection of personal essays, Guy talks about finding a sense of belonging at Berkeley—and stirring up controversy in a newspaper column that led to a run‑in with the Secret Service. He recounts the pitfalls of being typecast as the “Sassy Gay Friend,” and how, after taking a wrong turn in life (i.e. law school), he found stand‑up comedy and artistic freedom. He analyzes society’s calculated deprivation of personhood from fat people, and how, though it’s taken him a while to accept who he is, he has learned that with a little patience and a lot of humor, self-acceptance is possible.

Written with Guy’s characteristic blend of wit, guile, and rumination, My Life as a Goddess is an unforgettable and deeply moving book by one of today’s most endearing and galvanizing voices in comedy.

Print length

288 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Atria Books
Publication date

July 31, 2018
Dimensions

6 x 1 x 9 inches
ISBN-10

1501170228
ISBN-13

978-1501170225
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Editorial Reviews

Review

“Guy Branum is one of the funniest men I know. He is smart, fast, clever, and funny! (As f*ck!) Go ahead and buy his book cuz.......he ready!”— Tiffany Haddish

“It’s often enough for a comedian to be very funny. Guy Branum not only makes you laugh out loud; his perspective is singular, genuinely ballsy, and essential. Many comedians are praised for saying things most of us think but are too scared to say. Guy says the things we weren't smart enough to think of in the first place.”— Billy Eichner

“Empowering, funny, and so incredibly different from anything you’ve ever read, Guy Branum's memoir made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me very jealous. No one else but him could write something this extraordinary.”— Ali Wong

“Guy Branum knows everything. A lot of people are funny, though few are as funny as Guy, but his intellectual curiosity and moral sure-footedness make him not just a comic but a lifeline. Long live our Patron Saint of Too Much.”— Lindy West

“Guy Branum is a force of nature. He’s written a book that is generous and withering, hilarious and precisely observed, putting his incredible talent toward trying to understand what it means to feel apart from the world. I wish I could give this book to the 14-year-old version of myself, who probably wouldn’t have appreciated how much he needed it. You’ll devour every story and be struck by how lucky we all are to have Guy’s gay voice. Just buy this f*cking book, you idiots.”— Jon Lovett

“Keenly observant and intelligent, Branum's book not only offers uproarious insights into walking paths less traveled, but also into what self-acceptance means in a world still woefully intolerant of difference. Wickedly smart, funny, and witty.”— Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

"An incisive and witty memoir." —Publishers Weekly

“In his unusually introspective and entertaining memoir, Mr. Branum reveals himself as a trenchant, surprising critic.”— New York Times

“This could have been a typical Hollywood memoir: the story of someone triumphantly making it from one side of the television screen to the other. But Guy has rarely fit the expectations thrust upon him. This book is no different – and is all the better for it. Instead, readers get a tour of his life and the pop culture landscape with one of the funniest and wittiest tour guides in town.”— Lambda Literary

“As funny as it is poignant.”— BuzzFeed

About the Author

Guy Branum is a stand-up comedian best known for his appearances on Chelsea Lately, @Midnight, The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, and The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail. He’s also written for such TV shows as Another Period, Billy on the Street, The Mindy Project, and Awkward. He has written culture and political commentary for such publications as Slate, the New York Times, and The Huffington Post. Guy’s debut comedy album, Effable, hit #1 on the iTunes and Billboard charts, and The New York Times called the taped version “a contender for the best comedy special of 2015.” He currently hosts Talk Show the Game Show on truTV.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

My Life as a Goddess
PROLOGUE

LETO AND THE LYCIAN PEASANTS

IN MY EIGHTH YEAR, my attentions turned to Greek mythology.

This is hardly unusual for children of that age, which is somewhat strange when you consider how much of Greek myth centers on rape, sexual kidnappings, and adulterous rendezvous between princesses and gods in the form of farm animals. Somehow our culture has decided Greek myths are cool for third-graders, but safe and reliable birth control is too much for a sixteen-year-old to learn about. That said, I am not here to challenge America’s educational morality. I’m here to write a collection of humorous personal essays.

Like most people who write collections of humorous personal essays, I was a bookish child. Other boys my age focused most of their time on yelling, trying to fart on each other, and generally not obeying rules. The vast majority of male eight-year-olds love to break rules. It is their greatest passion. Mashing their food together in the cafeteria and pretending it’s barf. Yelling “boobs” during a nice assembly where we learn about Irish step dancing. Maiming beauty. They love it. Their fierce defiance of what moms and teachers want out of them is what fuels their spirits. I have never understood these creatures.

A small but resolute minority of eight-year-old boys love the rules. Rules are our only protection from the senseless engines of chaos we share classrooms with. They are that quiet, obedient opposition who would like silence and beauty and assemblies about Irish step dancing to be preserved. I was one of those boys. Third grade is a difficult place for us, so we seek the safety of a world where systems work and laws are obeyed: age-appropriate adventure books.

I grew up in a town where absolutely nothing happened. It’s a farm town in California, but not the good part of California. We will get to that later. What you need to know is that it was a place devoid of importance—political, economic, or philosophical—and any story that happened there centered on alcoholism and/or domestic violence. No one went to college, no one started a business, no one traveled anywhere but Disneyland or a lake. I grew up in a place with no dreams.

As a little kid in a little town where very little happened, Greek myths made me feel connected to the important stuff. There were kings, sorceresses, and human embodiments of abstract concepts: people who were in charge of things. If I was never going to meet any sophisticated folks in my real life, maybe I could learn how they operated from a book.

And Greek myths were full of people performing tasks I was too scared and fat and indoorsy to do myself. I wasn’t like those idiots I went to school with. If one day I planned to do stuff that required being brave and bold, I would have to do a lot of research and planning first.

In the sad, poor portable building that passed for a sad, poor library at my sad, poor public elementary school, I found a series of books. They were adaptations of stories from Greek mythology by a woman named Doris Gates; they had titles like Lord of the Sky: Zeus and The Warrior Goddess: Athena. They were full of shortish episodes from The Odyssey, or Theogony, or Metamorphoses, made palatable for children. I consumed them with an enthusiasm I normally reserved for meatballs or banana pudding.

The Golden God: Apollo was yellow, naturally, and on its cover was a man of preternatural beauty, a 1970s decadence of oranges and yellows and black. One of the first stories in it told of the birth of the sun god, Apollo, and his sister, Artemis, the moon. I will now tell you that story to the best of my recollection.

So Zeus had sex with Leto, who was one of his sisters, as was his wife, Hera, but Hera was jealous. That was what Hera did: She got mad at Zeus about the women he fucked. She couldn’t stop him, because he was the king of the gods, and she couldn’t punish him. Hera got the throne and the diadem and all the perks of being the wifey, but she knew he never really loved her. This was the cruelest of tortures for one of the fairest and finest goddesses, so she did her part to spread the punishment around to the women he had sex with and the children he impregnated them with.

So Hera, regally pissed, banished Leto from Mount Olympus and placed the following curse on her sister: Not a place on earth, nor in the sea, nor under the sun, could give Leto shelter lest it be subjected to Hera’s powerful wrath.

For nine months, Leto walked the earth. Slowly, she grew great with child, but no place would give her food or drink or a safe place to stay. In the hot sun of Attica, she paced and she paced, begging hills and meadows for comfort, and each one chased her away in some manner.

Finally, in the height of summer, giant with twins, she came to a pond where some peasants were washing clothes. Leto knelt down by the pond and asked if she could drink from it. The peasants noticed that she was pregnant and asked where her husband was. Leto had no answer, so the peasants mocked her for being an unwed mother and kicked around the water in the pond until it got muddy and would be gross to drink.

Leto, hot, thirsty, pregnant, tired, all of it—all of the kinds of DONE—got up and started to walk again. Where? She had no answer. How was she going to have these kids when no one would even let her sit down? Her spirit was broken.

Then she remembered that she was a goddess.

It was the most beautiful, wonderful sentence I’d ever read: Then she remembered that she was a goddess.

She turned around, raised her hands to the sky, and turned the peasants into frogs. “Kick in the mud forever, you basic amphibious bitches,” she cursed.

That story changed me.

It isn’t that Leto turned those asshole peasants into frogs; the frog part is an afterthought. The important part is that she remembered she was a goddess. She had been too caught up in the dirty, base realities of the life she was leading to realize the audacity of the situation. She was a goddess being condescended to by peasants. The peasants didn’t know who she was, but more important, she had forgotten who she was. I didn’t know you could be a goddess and forget it.

I am not supposed to be a goddess. I am very fat. I am bald. I have a faggy voice. My family is poor. My parents are uneducated. I dress like a wet three-year-old. My handwriting is bad. I sweat a lot. My parallel parking is amateurish. I’m wholly devoid of the skills required to make any ball go into any goal, hoop, or pocket.

I’m not supposed to like myself, and I’m certainly not supposed to think that I should matter. The world has spent a lot of time telling me that, and in the past thirty or so years, I often listened, because we all listen. The world is mostly full of fine facts and good lessons, but some of those facts and lessons were built to keep you down.

And I got kept down for decades. Then I remembered that I was a goddess. I may not always feel like it, but I have powers.

I am an amazing dancer. I’m quite ridiculously smart. I’m strong. I’m funny. Babies like me. I have very strong research skills. I make passingly good Punjabi okra. I have a law degree. I sparkle on panel shows. I’m very good at listening when I try.

It’s not amazing. It’s not lightning bolts or control of the seas, I can’t turn myself into a swan and have my way with whatever man I like,1 but it’s enough for me.

And Doris Gates gave me my most important power—the power to see myself. I can’t control what people see when they look at me. Most people see a weird, fat, unsexy guy who is wearing cargo shorts even though he should know better. I can’t decide if you think I’m beautiful, but I do get to decide if I’m going to feel beautiful, and from the moment I first tried it, I’ve been addicted.

So that’s what this book is about, the life I was supposed to lead as a sad, fat, closeted bumpkin, and my decision to be something thoroughly more fabulous. My life has not been practical, it has not been meaningful, and it has been only periodically profitable, but it has at least stayed interesting. Because a goddess’s job isn’t to be good, it’s to have compelling stories lyre players can tell about her at the courts of kings and princes.

Oh, and a goddess needs worshippers. You don’t need a lot; in a pinch, just one will do. On that Lycian field, Leto was just about the only person who believed in Leto, but it got the job done. There have been numerous occasions when I was the only person who believed in me, but I made it through.

Thus, if you are at all interested in being a goddess, may I suggest starting this book by believing in yourself. If you’re nice enough to read my book, I at least owe you enough to believe in you, too.

1. In addition to not having the power to shift my shape, I also just don’t want to have to deal with all the think pieces such an act would prompt.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Atria Books (July 31, 2018)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 288 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1501170228
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1501170225
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 15.2 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #796,395 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #1,027 in LGBTQ+ Biographies (Books)
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- #16,617 in Humor (Books)

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4.5 320 ratings

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320 global ratings

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Ulysses Grant Dietz

Brilliant, hilarious, heartbreaking. We need memoirs like this, more now than ever.

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on September 3, 2018

Verified Purchase

Guy Branum’s brilliant memoir is essentially J.D. Vance’s overly-praised “Hillbilly Elegy” as written by a funny gay man. I surely didn’t expect that when I bought it, but there you are. What this book really drove home to me – again – is that gay men need to write our stories, because we’re still largely getting left out of mainstream history (which means television, movies, cable, theater, music, dance, plus actual history). No matter what it seems like to you, especially if you’re still under 40, what I say is true. So, if you’re a writer, write your own story, because it matters.

Guy Branum’s self-deprecating comic memoir is smart, hilarious, heartbreaking. He grew up an overlarge inquiring sissy boy in blue-collar rural California (learning about the setting of his childhood is worth the read on its own—we Easterners are appallingly ignorant). He has lived his adult life as a fat gay man in a gay world where conventional looks and bodies are way too important. He has been a professional comedy writer for many years now, surviving and even thriving in the nastiest, most judgement-filled part of American commercial culture.

Guy Branum is indeed a goddess.

Guy Branum could also be my son, and I’d just like to reach up (he’s tall) and hug him and tell him that he’s loved. This book mattered to me because of the story and because of Branum’s gift as a writer. There’s a great deal of insight into modern reality, which is both a buffer and an amplifier to his personal story of struggle and survival. His life is a generation younger than mine, and every single detail is entirely different from mine in every possible way – and yet on every page there is something that resonated with me and my life. It says something that we can have such different lives with such common experiences, and that’s exactly why this book is important.

10 people found this helpful

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Harvey87

Though the title makes it sound light and fluffy, ...

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on August 12, 2018

Verified Purchase

Though the title makes it sound light and fluffy, don't be fooled. It is in fact very real and thought provoking. Not at all what I expected.

2 people found this helpful

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Julie A Stambek

I just loved reading this book.

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on August 23, 2019

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I just love reading comedy. It took me longer than usual to read this book. This author is a very adept writer, and I had to slow down to read this because he puts so much thought in each sentence. He is clearly meant to be a writer, not an almond farmer, thank goodness. You have also provided geography lessons about Canada that I feel guilty about every time I see Alex Trebek on Jeopardy. Why did I not care about Canada? I do now, sir! I learned about seder dinners too which is something I had no idea about. How awesome of you to turn that into wonderful gathering. I love the picture on the cover. You and your sari are BEAUTIFUL.

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Laura M

Read this book, listen to Effable & Pop Rocket, watch Talk Show: The Game Show. Give Guy Branum his things!

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on August 2, 2018

Verified Purchase

I have been a fan of Guy Branum for years and have never missed an episode of his podcast Pop Rocket. I have found in him not only a pop culture soulmate, but also a curious mind whose interests are contagious. For example: Guy was on the RBG train looong before the internet was.

I knew his book would be a treat. It was. The little I knew about Guy's life from passing mentions on Pop Rocket were was fleshed out here in a way that was relatable, heart breaking, and ultimately just plainly stating the facts of a family that sorta did its best under the circumstances. I loved this book and you will, too - so buy it and give Guy what he's looking for: your support and polite attention!

9 people found this helpful

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Mark A. Shaw

Guy Branum isn't just a funny, smart man

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on August 3, 2018

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Guy Branum isn't just a funny, smart man. He understands that great writing requires a kind of lunatic specificity. One-third of the way through the book I came upon this sentence, concerning his successful high school football career : "I'm sure I would have learned a lot more about gridiron strategy if just one of the opposing side's tailbacks had been a suffocated housewife on the verge of alcoholism, but they were mostly just farmer's kids with Trans Am hair." A sentence so perfect it could only have been written by him, or the Dowager Duchess of Denovshire reborn in America's Indus Valley as a particularly large young man, or poor Dawn Powell in the same situation. It's a magnificent book!

8 people found this helpful

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A. Simons

Funny, smart, and insightful

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on August 7, 2018

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I wasn't sure what to expect when I purchased this, having only recently discovered Guy Branum as the host of the delightful "Talk Show the Game Show." I was quickly engrossed in this book and finished it in an afternoon. As an intellectually curious, and not too pretty kid myself, I could really relate to Guy finding and embracing his smarts/goddess, while still trying to fit in (thank God for his mother!). This is a fun, but really deep memoir, too. I look forward to hearing a lot more from Guy.

2 people found this helpful

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Adrian Makohon

Not for everyone, but definitely for me

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on September 1, 2018

Verified Purchase

I thoroughly enjoyed this. I got introduced to Guy Branum through My favorite murder and have listened to Pop Rocket religiously since then.
I was expecting a bit of dish and slightly-vacuous self-reflection from a funny gay LA comedian. Yes, these elements exist, but it’s more a great set of deeper thoughts from someone who clearly thinks things through and who knows how to express them.
Plus, it has the most fabulous read of Bohemian Rhapsody I’ve ever come across. You’ll never listen to Queen the same again.

2 people found this helpful

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F. R. Gauna

Who knew....Yuba City?!? Just WOW!

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on October 22, 2018

Verified Purchase

Laughed a lot reading this book as I can semi-relate to much of his home-town experience in YC. My Mother lives there now and he pretty much hits the nail on the head with every noted fact and experience about YC. I was first introduced to Guy on the Chelsea show and thought he was a sassy funny guy, but had no idea what an academic he was. This book was such a great read. I hope he continues to write more!

2 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

Lewis

A sacred text for all wannabe goddesses

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on August 28, 2018

Verified Purchase

Eerily resonant for this large, effeminate, big-city homosexuals; though there are worthy lessons for all in this amazing, hilarious book

Amazon Customer

Witty

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on December 31, 2019

Verified Purchase

Witty and interesting. I loved the footnotes. Almost everyone made me react in an interesting way. Very well written. The book flowed as well.

Marc Roy

A lovely read

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on August 9, 2018

Verified Purchase

Funny, smart, poignant. A very good book!

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My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture Hardcover – July 31, 2018

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