The Narcissistic Family 1st Edition

by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman (Author), Robert M. Pressman (Author)

264 ratings

ISBN-13: 978-0787908706

ISBN-10: 0787908703

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In this compelling book, the authors present an innovative therapeutic model for understanding and treating adults from emotionally abusive or neglectful families? families the authors call narcissistic. Narcissistic families have a parental system that is, for whatever reason (job stress, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, physical disability, lack of parenting skills, self-centered immaturity), primarily involved in getting its own needs met. The children in such narcissistic family systems try to earn love, attention and approval by satisfying their parents' needs, thus never developing the ability to recognize their own needs or create strategies for getting them met. By outlining the theoretical framework of their model and using dozens of illustrative clinical examples, the authors clearly illuminate specific practice guidelines for treating these individuals.

Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman is a therapist, consultant, and trainer. She is known for her work with dysfunctional families, particularly with survivors of incest. Robert M. Pressman is the editor-in-chief and president of the Joint Commission for the Development of the Treatment and Statistical Manual for Behavioral and Mental Disorders.

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Editorial Reviews

Review

"The authors have skilfully presented an often difficult topic in an easy-to-read work which will be of value to helpers at any stage of their professional development." (Anglican Theological Review)

?So readable and chock full of understandable case examples that it demands to be shared with patients. It focuses on the conduct of parents and their children trying to make sense out of their chaotic lifestyles in search of love, self-esteem, acceptance, and inner peace. Its valuable insights can be potent reinforcers of the therapeutic experience.? (Jack G. Wiggins, Ph.D., past president, American Psychological Association)

?Such a find. The concept is an artful and practical synthesis that bears effective witness to the authors' depth of knowledge of contemporary psychotherapeutic literature.? (Joseph R. McCool, Ph.D., past president, Academy of Family Psychology)

?I believe that this book should be required reading for every family physician. It is a real eye opener for those physicians who routinely prescribe psychotropic medications without psychiatric input and without insisting on the patient's participation in therapy.? (Laurence Bouchard, D.O., past president, American Association of Doctors of Osteopathy)

From the Inside Flap

New Hope for Treating Adults Who Have Grown Up in Emotionally Abusive Families
In this compelling book, the authors present an innovative therapeutic model for understanding and treating adults from emotionally abusive or neglectful families? families the authors call narcissistic. Narcissistic families have a parental system that is, for whatever reason (job stress, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, physical disability, lack of parenting skills, self-centered immaturity), primarily involved in getting its own needs met. The children in such narcissistic family systems try to earn love, attention and approval by satisfying their parents? needs, thus never developing the ability to recognize their own needs or create strategies for getting them met. By outlining the theoretical framework of their model and using dozens of illustrative clinical examples, the authors clearly illuminate specific practice guidelines for treating these individuals.

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Product details

Publisher : Jossey-Bass; 1st edition (June 25, 1997)
Language : English
Paperback : 181 pages
ISBN-10 : 0787908703
ISBN-13 : 978-0787908706
Item Weight : 8.9 ounces
Dimensions : 6.13 x 0.44 x 9.25 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #68,402 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #31 in Family Health (Books)
- #35 in Sociology (Books)
- #69 in Psychopathology

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264 ratings

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H. Efner

The book I've been looking for all my life.

Reviewed in the United States on July 30, 2015

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This was the book I've been looking for. Written for therapists not the the general self-help market but very accessible for the average reader. The author uses the words "narcissistic family" to describe a situation where a child's needs couldn't be met, for whatever reason - alcoholism; depression, etc. Very helpful to think of it this way and to consider her advice not to justify it with excuses about the parents' own upbringing or existing problems. They couldn't give you what you needed and it has had a big impact on your life. BOOM. Helpful to read about how problems in school would have been handled by a "normal" parent vs. a "narcissistic" parent. I will re-read it many times, I'm guessing.

44 people found this helpful

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Nicky

Easy read with humor, warmth and valuable insights and techniques

Reviewed in the United States on May 1, 2019

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This is a very well written book that approaches a difficult topic with warmth and compassion, and offers ways to acknowledge and value one's feelings without having to eradicate the existence of other view points. It points out that some people feel uncomfortable criticizing their parents too harshly, but also offers that a child's pain is no less real just because the parent was also in pain and trying to cope, and that both sets of feelings can exist simultaneously. According to this book, a narcissistic family isn't just one where the parents are actual narcissists but rather families where the needs of the parent system are more important than the needs of the children. This can happen not only in overtly abusive families where physical violence or drug/alcohol abuse is present, but also if parents are for example working two jobs to feed the kids, and there is little time available for them, so they don't feel heard and don't grow up with a sense that they matter as people. Instead they have to work around their parents' moods and rarely learn to even know what their own feelings and needs even are. They also overestimate their own power in the family situation and believe they cause the sporadic expressions of affection and attention from parents, but are then left feeling deficient when they cannot 'cause' it regularly. The reasons for the emotional neglect do not make the feelings of the child less valid, or the effects less destructive. It is written for mental health professionals, the authors' peers, and therefore never talks down or 'knows better'. I think precisely the fact that this is not a self-help book makes this such a useful and good read. There are interesting case studies, techniques to try, and some very helpful ways out of dysfunctional patterns. It does not replace therapy of course, but it can support the process.

9 people found this helpful

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A M.

great read!

Reviewed in the United States on October 27, 2014

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I was diagnosed by my first therapist as Dissociative Identity Disorder and second therapist as ADD and third one as Borderline Personality Disorder with comorbid Narcissism. Bottom line, I am "terminally unique", to put a positive spin on all these disorders.

The book, even though written for therapist, is excellently written in a very coherent and crystal way that even the crazy ME is able to understand and to have "empathy" which I am not supposed to have, for the patients described in the book.

I see myself and my family-of-origin in all those families and patients described in the book. I greatly appreciate the positive attitude and the empathy the doctors have for the patients like me who suffer from these disorders. After all, all these diagnosises are labels. And labels can be confusing sometimes and down right scary.

My conclusion from reading the book is that most of the mental illnesses and/or disorders result from growing up in a narcissistic family. Personally, this understanding makes the recovery process and the forseeable future more tolerable. There is hope that I may be able to create/grow some substance into my so-called "empty shell".

Bottom line, the book is worth every penny.

38 people found this helpful

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Daniel J. Fox

Great book on narcissistic family dynamics

Reviewed in the United States on August 18, 2017

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I love this book and the approach. As a psychologist I think the authors do an excellent job of identifying issues that are germane to those growing up in a home with narcissistic parents. The writing is very clear and the case studies really illustrate the concepts well. This is worth your time if you are interested in narcissistic personality disorder from a family vantage point.

16 people found this helpful

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Jersey Girl

LIFE-CHANGING book!

Reviewed in the United States on November 21, 2013

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Honestly, this book is the single most useful tool in my struggle to understand my family, why I am like I am, why they are like they are, and the steps necessary to NOW take care of myself. I've lost track of the sheer volume of self-help books, therapy groups, etc. I have experienced in an attempt to learn and understand what this book outlines so clearly. It's been almost life-saving for me. It's pricey, apparently b/c it's written for therapists, rather than patients. However, it's worth every cent. Moreover, it's very understandable for the layman, non-therapist. The "examples" it provides clarify each idea and make it very readable. Personally, I see myself and my parents on every page. It's so "on point," it's eerie. I will re-read this book many times, undoubtedly. Prior to stumbling on it in Barnes and Noble one day (although ordering from Amazon, of course), I didn't understand the full depth of the concept of Narcissism and its impact on the "survivors" of such a parental system. I had the most rudimentary - and incorrect - understanding of the word, and NO KNOWLEDGE of the "system" that it actually is. BRILLIANT BOOK. The BEST SELF-HELP BOOK I've ever read.

32 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

Jenny

Brilliant book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 26, 2020

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I read this brilliant book many years ago and it was one of the more useful of very many similar I've read. I'd recommend it to anyone who recognises what the synopsis describes. I felt the need to write this review due to the review below which gives only 3 stars and suggests the writers are misusing the word "narcissistic". Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not what narcissistic means - to understand it that way doesn't recognise the fact that narcissistic traits are common throughout the general population - if it is, as the review suggests, a common assumption that a book with "narcissistic" in the title would be about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that assumption must be incorrect as the world is rife with narcissism and the effects of narcissistic wounding on people, very few of whom would actually meet the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the criteria for which can be found in the DSM5. To use the word "narcissistic" in the title does not suggest to me at all that the book would be about that far more extreme condition rather than narcissism in families. The title of this book isn't misleading at all. The authors' definition of "narcissistic" family goes with everything I've come to understand about the subject of narcissism, what causes it, how it works within a person, and how widespread it is. It is generally about needs not being met, and is the reason unconditional love is so important in famlies and parenting. The author of the review below says: "So this is a book that talks in very general terms about how a dysfunctional childhood can lead to recognisable problems in later life. In this respect it is good. But for me this was already familiar information." What makes a "narcissistic family" different to just any dysfunctional family is in the main premise of this book - the needs of the parent are put above the needs of the child. This is what narcissism is all about - the love of self, the protection of self, the pandering to wounds of the self, as opposed to looking outwards and seeing and being more concerned with the needs of the child. It is symbolised by Narcissus, falling in love with an image of himself, spending his life consumed with appreciating that image of himself to the exclusion of all other possibilities, with sadness being caused to anyone who loved him, until he died.

One person found this helpful

A Customer

Misleading title!

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 26, 2015

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I assumed this would be a book about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). And I think this would be a common assumption. But the title is misleading. The authors have their own definition of a "narcissistic" family. This is a family where the needs of the parents override the needs of the children. So they have redefined "narcissistic" to mean dysfunctional. This is very annoying because words have existing meanings - arbitrarily redefining them is just misleading. (I guess they knew the word "narcissistic" would sell more books.)

So this is a book that talks in very general terms about how a dysfunctional childhood can lead to recognisable problems in later life. In this respect it is good. But for me this was already familiar information.

There is a chapter and an appendix that attempt to explain the history of Narcissism in psychoanalysis. Presumably the authors are Freudians, because these "explanations" are entirely based on Freud's convoluted theories. This is mostly unintelligible gobbledegook, with no supporting evidence. The world of psychiatry/psychology has moved on immensely since Freud concocted his ideas (without evidence). But Freudians always seem to write as if his views were the mainstream - which they are not. So there is no mention of anything like CBT here, for example.

All in all, disappointing and outdated if you already know anything about the subject.

6 people found this helpful

hardworkingstudent

Excellent and a must read for interested readers in NPD/dysfunctional families.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 17, 2015

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Good book with a good overview of behavioral traits found in narcissistic families, although the book claims to address narcissistic dysfunctional behaviours seen in families in contrast to NPD per se. Nevertheless, a good resource for therapists and informed readers. Not the best book for novices in the NPD topic area as this book covers a range of interventions and ideas, building on previous knowledge. The suggested interventions were simple yet informed and powerful, with good explanations and case examples. This book is must read, for anyone seriously reading about narcissism.

5 people found this helpful

Nellie Dimirtova

Great, well-written and very insightful book

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 13, 2017

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Great, well-written and very insightful book. It has helped me a lot to go through some personal issues. It's an eye-opener, but at the same time quite scientific and providing reasonable explanations, case study examples and tips on how to deal with unresolved issues if you or someone close to you have been raised in a narcissistic family.

2 people found this helpful

Jane

Life changing

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 3, 2013

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Alot of break through advice in here, and I wish I had bought it years ago. I did not know when I bought it that it was designed for therapists in mind, however you can apply the strategies to yourself particularly when changing your outlook in a contructive way with respect to your own family. Knowing how to hold onto, and accept the fact that the family, and parents, can be both good and bad simultaneously, I found very healing.
It also gives permission not to pursue negative relationships and the destructive effect that this gives. I know other books do this, but this book is especially helpful.

12 people found this helpful

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