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I Need Your Love - Is That True? : How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead Hardcover – April 5, 2005
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From Publishers Weekly
Katie reintroduces the form of self-questioning called "The Work" that she originally presented in Loving What Is, but here she tackles relationships—and what spoils them. According to Katie (writing with the help of Katz, who is also her agent), rather than seeking love and approval from others, you need to find them in yourself. What often blocks that love is one's perception of reality: "If you believe your stressful thoughts, your life is filled with stress. But if you question your thoughts, you come to love your life and everyone in it." "The Work" is central to the process of taking a judgmental thought—such as "my partner is supposed to make me happy"—and subjecting it to four powerful questions, such as "Is it true?" and "Who or what would I be without the thought?" Then Katie suggests turning the thought around and considering different options, such as making yourself happy and making your partner happy. Finally, she suggests ways to find love and acceptance in yourself. Katie's chatty style and her use of detailed dialogues and simple exercises will make many readers feel transformation is inevitable. (On sale Mar. 22)Forecast:A 15-city author tour should help launch this to the sales levels of Loving What Is (110,000 copies in cloth and paper).
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Katie's first self-help book, Loving What Is (2001), was a best-seller. This volume applies her method, called "the Work," and uses it to help readers resolve issues concerning love. The Work consists of asking oneself three questions about a troubling issue and then turning the premise around and asking the opposite questions. Adherents of this technique who read the first book probably don't need this one, since it covers much of the same territory. As before, the text takes the form of dialogues between Katie and those practicing the Work, thus demonstrating how asking the questions and evaluating the answers yield results. For instance, a woman who felt her father didn't love her gains insights about her own attitudes toward him and herself through asking not why didn't he love her but why didn't she love him. This technique seems so simple that it's hard to make a whole book out of it, but like most self-help gurus, Katie, with the aid of coauthor Katz, manages just fine. Ilene Cooper
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
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It was a huge mind shift for me as I was in the middle of a marriage separation and believing myself to be the victim of the situation. It's taken a few years of study and doing "the Work" (perhaps that seems long? still, everyone works through it within their own time table) and have found that I was making MYSELF into a victim through my thoughts and then actions.
Now, after working through my beliefs, my family says that I'm so much more peaceful and I really listen to them (though I thought I had always been listening to them!) and that they were uncomfortable coming to me with their problems, for fear of my reaction - and now they feel free to do so. The biggest bonus for me is that I finally have peace in my mind and heart, and if I find a thought that disturbs me I go right back to the Work and make sure that I'm working on myself and leave all others to work on themselves without my well intentioned yet unneeded "help".
I picked up Katie Byron's book, and I immediately began to recognize how I'd been contributing to my own unhappiness.
In reading the dialogues in the book, I came to the realization that at that moment, I wanted to be married, and that's what I was: married. Instead of despairing about what could happen in the future, I decided to enjoy my marriage for however long it lasted. I didn't pressure my husband to make a decision, I just enjoyed every moment that I had with him.
I also started to take more responsibility for my happiness.
I came to understand that my husband was his own person and that how he spent his time and who he spent it with were his business. I no longer cared if he worked long hours because I wasn't depending on him to make me happy. Instead, I joined groups in the community, made new friends and pursued hobbies.
Without Katie's book, I would have taken a different, less productive approach to the situation. I would have said to him, "If you don't know if you want to be married to me, then I don't want to be married to you, because I deserve better."
Because of the changes in the way I approached things, because I was able to stop getting angry and try to control what my husband did, my marriage improved. Now, our relationship is better than ever.
I still struggle sometimes to let things go, but I can see that I am a much easier person to be around. I'm not critical of him. I treat him as I would a friend, and I accept him for who he is.
Update (1 year later): I tend to use "The WORK" for most negative issues in my life. For some of the issues, I see a shift. For others that are deeply embedded, I don't see a shift. The flaw with THE WORK is that it doesn't work if you had something happen to you that really caused you great upset. Your mind just doesn't change abuse processing or mistreatment by asking four questions.
I recently went on a wellness retreat and it was the WORK that got me through the retreat which was 7 days with no phone, no tvs, and no internet. I would have lost my mind, but for the WORK. I find that ironic since the retreat is what was supposed to be helping me.
In summary, the work is great for surface issues. The work is not good for abuse, mistreatment, or making a shift in areas of your life that are causing you great frustration.
I also want to add that I have a facilitator that I have worked with exclusively during the year. She is understanding of not doing turnarounds that blame you and she really is understanding of your frustration with a certain situation.
This author was suggested to me after I paid a large sum of money for another program. When I kept stating that their program was not working, they suggested that I read books by BYRON KATIE. After learning of the WORK, I am curious as to how this other program could just hijack her work and claim theirs is better when Katie's work is simplier and gets the same results at a much cheaper price. Anyway.
I first bought the audio, but decided to buy the book so I could have it as a reference. In my honest opinion, THE WORK has to be heard. You need to hear the four questions and the application to be able to use it on yourself. Whenever I am in the car, I listen to the AUDIO of this book and I learn a little bit more each time. THE WORK is truly an amazing concept. I have used EFT, hypnosis, and countless other things and the results have been slow if at all. With THE WORK, I can be sitting in a stressful situation and I'll just WRITE THE TRUTH to the 4 questions and by the time I get to the turnaround I am relaxed.
Yesterday, I was at a meeting and when I got to the meeting I was VERY UPSET. I refused to do any EFT or THE WORK because I wanted to stew in the anger. After a while, I just got tired of being angry and wrote down the answers to the four questions. The next thing I knew I was focused on the meeting and not upset anymore.
Now, the upset about the issue came back while I was in bed trying to sleep, but I truly feel that is because I kept trying to focus on it to make myself upset which I was able to do. Although I haven't done the 4 questions on the current upset, the questions would go something like this:
Belief: I am upset because ________________ is trying to ____________________
Is this true?
Well, I don't know for sure
With this thought? I can't sleep; I am stressed; I am upset
Without this thought? I could care less; I am at peace; I am relaxed
Turnaround: I am not upset because I don't know for sure that ____________ is trying to __________________.
_________________ is upset with me because I am trying to ______________________
and so on...
I still am not that good with the turnarounds but I am hoping to work with a facilitator to try to get better at the turnarounds, but as it stands THE WORK is a great concept.
As for the book itself, it is not organized so you can easily find the questions and the analysis is not so easy to find. I went to a site of Byron Katie and downloaded the materials. I suggest you do the same rather than buy the book. Then, after you have the materials GET THE AUDIO of this book.
Byron Katie is one of those book authors that truly seems to be making a difference and, though she is making a bit of money during her "events" she still offers a LOT OF STUFF for free and you can just tell her heart is in THE WORK.