Never Too Young to Die (Bluray/DVD Combo) [Blu-ray]
DVD + Blu-ray
Frequently bought together
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Listen up, my little turdballs!
A once-in-a-lifetime cast rocks the silver screen in director Gil Bettmans masterpiece of cult cinema, Never Too Young To Die.
When a top secret agent (George Lazenby, On Her Majestys Secret Service) is murdered, his estranged gymnast son Lance Stargrove (John Stamos, Full House) teams up with his dads seductive and deadly associate, Danja Deering (Vanity, The Last Dragon) to face his fathers killer… the fiendish mastermind Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons, the fiendish mastermind behind Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame inductee KISS.) The hermaphroditic heel is hell-bent on a scheme to poison the citys water supply: and its up to Stargrove to crush Velvet once and for all!
Never Too Young To Die also features Peter Kwong (Big Trouble In Little China), Robert Englund (A Nightmare On Elm Street, duh), and enough leather-clad, mohawked henchmen to fill a dozen Road Warrior knock-offs. You think youve seen it all? Its never too late to see Never Too Young To Die!
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The movie opens with the insane Ragnar leading a bunch of criminal misfits juxtaposed with Stamos doing his trampoline and gymnastics practice at college. That his character name is Lance Stargrove should tell you all you need to know. Lance's Dad is a super-secret agent clearly inspired by James Bond (later there's even a callback to a Bond staple in the introduction "Stargrove. Lance Stargrove.") Anyway, Stargrove senior is out to stop Ragnar and ends up paying the ultimate price for his country, and yes, it really does involve a bulletproof umbrella. Fortunately Lance inherits his dad's farm complete with top secret and heavily armed laboratory and Vanity as a farmhand/stablemaid/expert marksman/love interest. Just think about this dream cast for a moment and stand in awe. In a totally unpredictable plot development (I trust I'm not spoiling anything here for any multicellular organisms) Lance, despite being a college gymnast and with zero training, takes on the mantle of righteousness and prepares to tangle with Ragnar and his murderous fingernail. (I am making none of this up.)
Because this is a movie starring Gene Simmons, there has to be a musical number, right? Of course, but don't expect a bass guitar, though the footwear and garish costume will please fans. Ragnar has a nightclub act in drag (I love the feather boa) at a seedy L.A. club called "The Incinerator" and the musical ditty here will be quite a departure for those more used to "Detroit Rock City". I have rarely laughed so hard at a movie. Before long we are treated to the most deliciously contrived motorcycle sabotage in film history, medieval bikers on the rampage, Vanity as a stunt driver in a topless Corvette, and John Stamos as an action hero, all set to a very synthesized soundtrack.
Ragnar wants to poison the Los Angeles water supply with a radioactive contaminant, but needs a mysterious computer disc from Stargrove's collection for a reason I was never entirely clear on. Anyway, get a load of Vanity in the suede fringed pantaloons (1980's secret agent standard issue) but watch out for the petulant and cloying love scene between Stamos and Vanity that was surely responsible for the film's "R" rating. This is one of the most uncomfortable scenes I have ever seen committed to film for a whole slew of reasons. The plot's ridiculousness only intensifies with a double-identity shocker for the versatile thespian Simmons that presages "Face/Off" by more than a decade. It is guaranteed to make you roll your eyes and laugh. There is a mighty cataclysmic fight of good guys and bad guys, which made me consider this puzzler: if Stargrove gets ahold of a machine gun and has a clear shot at Ragnar, why doesn't he shoot him versus some of his trivial minions? (Please enjoy the pointless and lengthy firefight that goes nowhere and particularly watch for the uber-realistic muzzle flashes from the guns.) Never mind, as we have more helicopter and car chase scenes to get to. Sort of. Actually Ragnar does escape in a vehicle, but I'm confused by his choice of transportation: he leaps into a very old tractor trailer pulling two trailers. Surely this is a great choice to escape from those poky Corvettes and motorcycles, right? Again, never mind, because it all comes to a climax with a lot of witty banter between Ragnar and Stargrove in some one-one-one combat with totally predictable twists and turns and the greatest death scene in movie history along with the greatest bomb-tossing civilization save ever seen. I laughed so hard I watched it multiple times.
With Stamos, Simmons, and Vanity (as Danja Deering!) this is the perfect encapsulation of cheesy 1980's movies, and my wish would be for the new season of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" to do this gem of Western culture. I absolutely loved the silliness, ludicrous plotpoints, inane dialogue, and cast of thousands (the credits includes characters like "Sacrificed Punkette", "Exploding Biker", and "Minkie"). This movie is so entertaining on so many levels that I feel bad about giving it four stars. The sole reason I didn't give it five stars for Zen-like perfect cheese is it's hard to find and only on VHS. It's worth it for bad movie aficionados even if you have to go buy a new VCR just to see it!
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(If you dislike this film you have no soul.)