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The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night Paperback – September 8, 2009

4.3 out of 5 stars 13 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Ostensibly edited by "the Vampire Miles Proctor" (nee Miles Mrockofijev, a New Yorker since 1907) this tongue-in-cheek (fang-in-neck?) volume should net a broad audience among just about every sector of the pop culture landscape: fans of Twilight, TV's True Blood (or Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse) and those works' legion of facsimiles in books, TV, movies, video games and the internet. A guide for freshly minted vampires attempting to navigate a new world of near-unlimited power, this work is supposed to be the end-product of 450-plus years of vampire experience. In reality, this cavalcade of vampire satire draws from some of the talented minds behind The Onion, arguably America's finest satirical news source, covering topics from health (oral hygiene kits typically include a file, pliers and a flathead screwdriver) to relationships ( "What to Do if You See a Human You Knew Decades Ago") to practical matters (relocating, faking your way through a meal) with grim silliness. Maintaining a dead-serious tone, this guide takes a giggle-inducing, undeniably comprehensive look at the absurdity of life among with undead. B/w photos and illustrations throughout.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Joe Garden's story of being plucked from the obscurity of a Madison liquor store and thrust into the obscurity of byline-free satire writing has become legend. He has been a writer for The Onion for ten years.

Scott C. Sherman, MD is Assistant Residency Director, Department of Emergency Medicine, John Stroger Hospital of Cook County, Chicago, IL.

Joseph M. Weber, MD is EMS Medical Director, Stroger Cook County Hospital, Chicago, IL.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Villard (September 8, 2009)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0345508564
  • ISBN-13: 978-0345508560
  • Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.5 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,168,605 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
With the help of the Vampire Miles Proctor, Action-5 writers have presented a guide for those vampires that never got the proper tutelage or guidance from a mentor after they were turned into an undead bloodsucker. You'll learn valuable tips on travelling, etiquette, feeding, strengths, weaknesses, social responsibilities, and how to get invited into places. Afterall, you're going to feasibly be around for a long long time so unless someone is showing you the way, you better get this book to help you along, without it or a mentor, your time could be very short.

Yes it's a danged HUMOR book, get over it. It's quite funny, well presented, well worded, and you won't put it down until you're finished. The authors aren't dealing with wanna-be goths, blood-drinking fetish humans, movie vampires, or other crap but present the vampire as if they were real. There are influences from the Anne Rice books, a little Buffy, and old folklore to present them in a tongue-in-cheek fashion that will get you to laugh. Can go hand in hand with the The Werewolf's Guide to Life: A Manual for the Newly Bitten although this vampire guide is much better written. Worth picking up unless you are over-the-top and take the subject of vampire reality far too serious. It's not like we're talking about zombies here.
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Format: Paperback
As a both a lover of comedy and Buffy, this book had me laughing out loud, and that takes a lot to do. With the holidays around the corner, I can think of no better humorous gift to give both vampire-obsessed and non-obsessed friends/family members. Never fails to delight.
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Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Like most predator hunters, I have had a long time fascination with Vampires, Zombies and other criminals of society. Since I have no desire to become a vampire but rather kill them, I found this book to be somewhat amusing, but also very boring a good part of the time. I am a Vampire, Zombie, criminal hunter and I bought this book to get a few more ideas on how to destroy them. I like nothing better than to drive a wooden stake in the heart of these creatures and expose their bodies to the sun. I have found this is the best way to make sure they are gone forever.

In any case, for you new vampires, you will gain some helpful information to adjust to your new condition by reading this book. This volume is organized into six parts. The first part deals with your health and welfare issues. Feeding tips are covered in part two. Part three explores the vampire-human relations. Society and culture factors are discussed in part four. The fifth section reviews various lifestyles a vampire can follow. The final section is actually the appendices and it has information that is also valuable for vampire hunters. You will find the ruling famlies of various vampire communities around the world and other interesting information to better hunt down vampires.

In conclusion, this is a book for all newly created vampires and vampires who want to increase their survival knowledge. Most vampire hunters know most of this information, but if you are new to this kind of hunting, you might pick up a few pointers. JUST ALWAYS KEEP YOUR TONGUE FIRMLY IN YOUR CHEEK AS YOU READ THIS EXCUSE FOR A HUMOROUS BOOK.

Rating: 3 Stars. Joseph J. Truncale (Author: Predator Hunter: A warrior's memoir)
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Format: Paperback
I got this for my birthday from a friend at work and wasn't too sure if I would like it .
Once I started I could not put it down ! It is one of the funniest books I have ever read ,
these writers are fantastic ! Miles' advice and anticdotes are priceless .
Don't forget to carry sunflower seeds or grains with you on dark spooky
nights , it can prove more useful than garlic !
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Format: Paperback
The New Vampires Handbook is written a self help manual for the newly turned whose vampire turner has not taken up the mentor role they should have. In the past these newly turned vampires were most likely to make a mistake and not survive long in the wild of the real world. I don't think this manual by any means would replace the wisdom of a good vampire mentor with their hundreds of years of knowledge but unfortunately there are a lot of recently turned who just don't have the mentor option.

Even if your turner is still around this is a good little book to bring up subjects with them they may not have realised was important before you get caught out and burn up. I mean I had never even thought about the fact that even though you catch a red-eye flight the plane may get delayed and sit for hours on the runway while you burn up with no where to escape the sunlight.

Vampire Miles Proctor also knows how to write in a humorous and very entertaining way. This is no boring book or rules or how to manual. In fact if humans ever get hold of a copy, and I've got to confess I'm actually in that category, even though there is nothing of immediate use to the non vampire inside we are quite entertained.

The main topics inside fall under the five main headings Health and Welfare, Feeding, Vampire-Human Relations, Society and Culture and Lifestyle. There's also a few appendices and a glossary of words the newly turned vampire is likely to hear but not quite know what they mean. Vampires will learn about their new body, weaknesses, mortal enemies, fangs and oral hygiene, selecting and luring prey, disaster preparedness, vampire fanatics, human-vampire love, faking your way through a meal, getting into invite only buildings, acting your age, coffins, travel and much more.
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