This a very helpful book for those who recognize they are in a destructive relationship, but they are not sure what to do about it. The author lays out her case for the idea of no contact--as little contact as necessary or possible--and then guides the reader the process with her ideas of how to do that, obstacles they may face, and how to overcome them.
This book will help the reader to turn the focus from a destructive partner or relationship in your life onto yourself in order to undue the damage that might have been caused over years of spending time with a destructive person (narcissist, violent abuser, substance abuser or otherwise) and move on from the pain to heal and continue with your life.
I found this book to be very helpful because it was informed by the author's first-hand experience as a survivor of domestic abuse; no 'woo' here. She knows because she has been there, which I found set the bar for this book better than most in 'self-help/personal growth' book market. All too often it's a bunch of 'woo' from someone who was never there or doesn't know, or someone pushing a 'fluff-piece' backed by their celebrity rather than their experience with the subject. Not this book.
The author gave many examples of different situations from her own experiences that were relevant and succinctly supported each point and then discussed them in detail. She also provided lots of great information for those who are new to destructive relationships and plenty of great ideas as well as a great, positive, encouraging tone throughout her writing.
Chapters and their titles include: 1. Why the Need for No Contact 2. Getting Out of the Picture 3. Keeping Your Cool while Staying Away 4. Moving Forward...Alone for Awhile 5. Processing the Loss and Making Changes 6. You're Unique! 7. Listening to Yourself 8. But I Still Care about this Person 9. Relapsing 10. Getting Back on the Horse 11. In a Hurry for Love? 12. Testing 1, 2, 3
I would definitely recommend this book to a person who needs help to ending a destructive relationship and healing from the destruction that might have been left in the wake of that relationship.
Coming out of an extremely abusive marriage (believe or not, I am male--it happens), I found that this book was a life-saver. The book describes my Ex-Wife perfectly. She was always convincing me/brainwashing me into thinking that something was wrong with me. I was Yelled at, put-down, bruised, scratched, forced to stay away from friends and family, constantly threatened at knife-point or by calling the police and feinting injuries that I never did (lying to law enforcement). The worst part was every time I was about to leave, she became the sweetest person you could ever imagine, so I thought everything would change. But when I came back, the monster would appear. After the last straw (of insulting my late-grandmother and breaking something very precious from her when I was a child--all because I didn't have enough money to buy detergent at the store), and with help from my family I left.
This book has saved me from going crazy.
If you are in an abusive/dangerous relationship, please leave and find someplace safe and get this book. And first and foremost, follow the title of the book NO CONTACT. Because Contact will make things worse. You will feel pain in your heart or your mind, but you will be happier in the long-run. I have found others with the exact same issue/situation. So no one is alone. There are others.
If you are in a miserable, abusive (physical or mental) relationship, No Contact needs to be in your hands! I was able to break away from my destructive relationship many years ago, but oh how I wish I had read this book back then in my quiet and lonely desperation! This book really will help you! The author, Penny Haider, offers sound advice and support with emphasis on having a plan in place. She is an encourager, who was once herself in an abusive relationship. Haider is fully aware of the traps and tricks that may ensnare us and prevent women from moving on to a better life. Haider also includes an extensive list of community resources, phone numbers and organizations to help women who need to be safe. This book is one you will want to pass on to friends as well, so great is the message of hope. More than five stars for this one. Outstanding and greatly needed. No Contact - Ending A Destructive Relationship
In No Contact, the author has written a primer in language that is clear and direct on how to recognize a destructive/abusive relationship, and what to do to prepare yourself to get out and stay out, and on how to build up your own self-esteem. Unlike many of the books I have read on this subject, especially those written by someone who has previously been in a destructive relationship, it is not preachy, accusatory, or proselytizing. When the author relates a personal account, it is matter-of-fact: here is what happened, here is how I reacted, here is how I should have reacted. I like how the author takes command of her own actions, as looking inside of ourselves is more important and bears more fruit than trying to figure out why someone else does what THEY do.
There are clear resolutions for those exiting a destructive relationship, and methods to keep you from entering into new bad relationships: how to recognize red flags, how to change small things in your life, and how to become comfortable and happy with yourself before bringing a new person into your life.
I remember stating to someone I was dating who was on a rant about "something" they felt I did wrong or "something(s)" that were wrong with me (honestly, I was tuning him out, so I'm not sure what the rant was about), "If it makes you feel better about yourself to put other people down, knock yourself out." (Needless to say, I didn't keep dating that person). The author here echoes that in a statement, "It makes them feel better about themselves if they can make us feel inferior." Small statements like that can be enough for a reader to recognize those nagging feelings they've had about a present relationship enough for them to step back, look at the whole picture, and realize that the reason they're unhappy is because they are with a destructive person.
Although the book could have used a copy editor (there are some typos here and there and missing or misplaced punctuation), this doesn't take away from the overall message.
The book is very realistic about what someone leaving will feel, and even allows that there are sometimes "relapses" where you may talk to the person you left or even allow yourself to re-enter the relationship - even if you do this, it's important not to let yourself be pulled right back into the destruction. Keep your boundaries and stay true to your own self and interests.
One of the best and most direct books I've read on this subject, I would recommend it for anyone who is or has been in a destructive relationship (which doesn't always have to include physical abuse; emotional and/or financial abuse is just as damaging), or for anyone who knows someone in a destructive relationship.
Above all, don't be so dependent on another person, that the value you place on yourself is determined by the attention they pay to you.
Once you have made it clear you're no longer interested don't take their calls and don't open the door to them.
(On dating a new person): This person should enhance your life, not cause additional stress or make you feel guilty for continuing with your interests and hobbies.
This book was given to me by a friend. Even though I am not or have not been in a destructive relationship I found it very helpful. The book provides excellent insights into ways to identify who you are as a person. I am using some of the advice to make lists and journal as a way to determine which path I want my life to take. Very enjoyable read!!