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No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life Hardcover – January 8, 2003
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About the Author
Dr. Robert A. Glover holds a PhD in marriage and family therapy and is himself a recovering Nice Guy. As a result of over 30 years of clinical work with countless men and women, Dr. Glover has become widely recognized as a leading authority on the Nice Guy Syndrome. Dr. Glover lives in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, where he writes and leads workshops and seminars for men. His website drglover.com features numerous online courses focusing on personal growth, relationships, sexuality, and career.
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As I said, I'm just a woman, but if your partner is feeling like theyre getting no where in life, or that they feel as if they have basically failed at everything, then read this book. If you see them struggling, read this book because it has a lot of insight of what is going on. And it can even help you.
This book doesn't teach you how to be a jerk to women, it teaches you how to be a man, which is what they want... This is why she chooses the jerk...
If you're still single and cant figure out why (you have a great job, money, car(s), you want kids, you're sweet, you're a gentleman, EVERYTHING you were told a woman wants), READ THIS BOOK. Same for married guys (like me) if you feel like you do everything for your family, but its underappreciated... Read this book. Thank Robert Glover and me later. Yes, I'm still married.
I particularly appreciate the author's focus on mental health through proactive self-help. This is something that’s sorely lacking in other self-help books of this kind. Most books of this type are lectures, but this book is more of a workshop course. The author really compels men to do the necessary work in their own lives rather than being the passive observers that they normally are. More than anything, he implores men to seek professional help, a step most men are not willing to take. There are problems with this approach given the great expense of mental health care, but at least there is a voice telling these men to take ownership of their own lives.
Where I think this book fails is in its characterization of the core problem here. The issue isn't that there is grand army of "Nice Guys" (whatever that means) lumbering the Earth wreaking havoc on unsuspecting women. In fact, I think this focus on the harm "Nice Guys" do to women is ridiculous, given that the last thing these men need to be doing is apologizing to others for yet another part of their lives. I love women, but they have no part in men taking charge of their own lives.
Rather, what "Nice Guys" should really be called here are "sons of narcissism." That's the real issue here, growing up with narcissistic parents. And this is the common thread through all these men's lives. Narcissistic parents impart a message to their sons that they don't matter, that their needs and wants don't count in life. That message is internalized very deeply, to the point that these boys grow up to be men who try to save others around them through self-sacrifice. Approval-seeking, people-pleasing, lack of boundaries...these are the very hallmarks of a person raised by a narcissistic parent. This is why these men continually sabotage themselves and fail to take ownership of their lives. "Nice" has very little to do with this, and it's a glib, inane label that harkens to internet chat-room debates and Urban Dictionary entries, associations that only trivialize the seriousness of this issue.
That said, there is much to admire in this work. For a long while, there was a bent in the psych field to minimalize the importance of childhood experiences in people’s lives. This was a baleful and uninspired approach, one that ultimately failed to get at the root of the issues facing most people. I'm glad times have changed, because the research has never been more clear about the effect of childhood experiences on adult lives (see ACE). Dr. Glover encourages all men to return to their early experiences and confront them in order to move forward. Honestly, it's the only way, because it's the only way men are going to make peace with themselves.
Other than that, the book is written in a mostly accessible diction, though there are parts that get a bit "folksy," you might say. But I enjoyed reading it. I've read reviews on other websites that criticize this book for being misogynistic, or facile, or for subsidizing cowardice or something. That's all brain-dead nonsense. Anyone who denigrates the message of Glover's book doesn't understand the problem, doesn't have the problem, or is a mouth-breathing troll who is trying to find a good music festival to shoot up. This is an important book, one that should be read by the widest possible audience. Our society needs it.
This book has in a short space changed how I approach my life; it’s taught me how to (and why I should) express my point of view and desires in work and personal relationships more directly. I now find something remarkable happens when I state my case clearly, I save all the energy I used to put into trying to “juggle” and turn things into what they weren’t and never could be, It made me aware of how I took for granted the state of emotional starvation I lived in, and how impossible I thought it was to change that. I learned how to admit and define my position in relationships. The title of the book suggests it’s going to turn you into a self centered aggressive a-hole. I found the opposite to be true, I found it let me open up to the love that was already around me but that I had been holding away, because I thought I wanted something else. I was ready for this book and it’s brought me new levels of peace and freedom. Many thanks Dr. Glover.