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Marshall B. Rosenberg

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life Paperback – September 1, 2003

by Marshall B. Rosenberg (Author), Arun Gandhi (Foreword)

4.6 1,636 ratings

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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)
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Do you hunger for skills to improve the quality of your relationships, to deepen your sense of personal empowerment or to simply communicate more effectively? Unfortunately, for centuries our culture has taught us to think and speak in ways that can actually perpetuate conflict, internal pain and even violence. Nonviolent Communication partners practical skills with a powerful consciousness and vocabulary to help you get what you want peacefully.

In this internationally acclaimed text, Marshall Rosenberg offers insightful stories, anecdotes, practical exercises and role-plays that will dramatically change your approach to communication for the better. Discover how the language you use can strengthen your relationships, build trust, prevent conflicts and heal pain. Revolutionary, yet simple, Nonviolent Communication offers you the most effective tools to reduce violence and create peace in your life—one interaction at a time.

Print length

222 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Puddledancer Press
Publication date

September 1, 2003
Dimensions

6 x 0.49 x 9 inches
ISBN-10

9781892005038
ISBN-13

978-1892005038
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"A masterwork. Nationally, we talk peace. This book goes far beyond mere talk...It shows us how to TEACH peace." —James E. Shaw, PhD, author, Jack and Jill, Why They Kill

"A powerful tool for peace and partnership...shows us how to listen empathically and...communicate our authentic feelings and needs." —Riane Eisler, author, The Chalice and the Blade, Tomorrow's Children, and The Power of Partnership

"A simple yet powerful methodology for communicating...one of the most useful books you will ever read." —William Ury, coauthor, Getting to Yes, and author, The Third Side

About the Author

Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. is the founder and educational director of the Center for Nonviolent Communication. Deemed international peacemaker, mediator and healer, he spends more than 250 days each year teaching these remarkably effective communication and conflict resolution skills in local communities, at national conferences and in some of the most impoverished, war-torn areas of the world. He is based in Wasserfallenhof, Switzerland.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Nonviolent Communication

A Language of Life

By Marshall B. Rosenberg

PuddleDancer Press

Copyright © 2003 PuddleDancer Press
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-892005-03-8

Foreword,
Acknowledgments,
One: Giving From the Heart,
Two: Communication That Blocks Compassion,
Three: Observing Without Evaluating,
Four: Identifying and Expressing Feelings,
Five: Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings,
Six: Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life,
Seven: Receiving Empathically,
Eight: The Power of Empathy,
Nine: Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves,
Ten: Expressing Anger Fully,
Eleven: The Protective Use of Force,
Twelve: Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others,
Thirteen: Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication,
Epilogue,
Bibliography,
Index,
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process,
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have,
About Nonviolent Communication,
About PuddleDancer Press,
About the Center for Nonviolent Communication,
Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press,
Trade Booklets From PuddleDancer Press,
About the Author,

CHAPTER 1

Giving From the Heart

The Heart of Nonviolent Communication

What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.

— Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

Introduction

Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?

My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence, and we spent three days locked in the house.

When the race riot ended and school began, I discovered that a name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed, "Are you a kike?" I had never heard the word before and didn't know some people used it in a derogatory way to refer to Jews. After school, the same two boys were waiting for me: they threw me to the ground and kicked and beat me.

Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am thinking of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time,

I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, 'Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?' Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and weak. I should have liked to start

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ 1892005034
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Puddledancer Press; 2nd edition (September 1, 2003)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 222 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781892005038
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1892005038
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.6 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.49 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #120,432 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #243 in Communication Reference (Books)
- #616 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #3,925 in Psychology & Counseling

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Marshall B. Rosenberg

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Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. has initiated peace programs in war-torn areas throughout the world including Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, the Middle East, Serbia, Croatia, and Ireland. He is the founder and director of educational services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), an international nonprofit organization that offers workshops and training in 30 countries. Dr. Rosenberg is the author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd edition, PuddleDancer Press, 2003).

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Angelique A.

Wish I had read this a long time ago

Reviewed in the United States on May 8, 2013

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I wish I had read this book a long time ago. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. is full of wisdom.

The book starts off by explaining the process of Nonviolent Communication which boils down to four steps:

1. Observe what's happening - what's really going on? What is happening or being said that you either like or dislike?
2. Identify your feelings about it - anger, joy, hopeful, inspired, lonely?
3. Figure out what need you have that is driving that feeling
4. Ask for what you need (explicitly)

When you feel an emotional response to a situation, Rosenberg contends that it's always based on some unmet need. So figure out what that need is and then request (don't demand) for the other person to fulfill it. Use phrases like:

"Would you be willing to set the table?" rather than "Set the table."

So, that's the process of non-violent communication in a nutshell. He then goes on to talk about "communication that blocks compassion," such as moralistic judgements, making comparisons, communication that implies that we do not have responsibility for our own "thoughts, feels and actions," and communicating desires in the form of demands.

The next several chapters delve further into each step of the process. Using great examples from his own workshops and personal experiences, Rosenberg presents each step in a thoughtful and straightforward way with exercises at the end of each chapter to test your understanding of the subject matter.

The book then goes on to explain how to receive communication in an empathic way, which is based on those same principals, but now, your honestly trying to get to the bottom of the other person's needs to find out how you might be able to help fulfill them. He describes different ways that we prevent ourselves from being fully present for someone including: advising, one-upping, educating consoling, story-telling, shutting down, sympathizing, interrogating, explaining and correcting. And, the many benefits of empathy.
Rosenberg refers to all of this compassion and need-filling as finding ways to "enrich our lives or the lives of others." I love that. When you approach every communication with that question, "how can I enrich my life or theirs?" it's amazing how differently you think about approaching a situation!

He says that "NVC's most important use may be in developing self-compassion." One way in which we do this is to recognize that we always have choice. Even if it feels like we don't - we do. There might be ramifications for not doing something that you feel you have no choice in, but you still choose to do it. And, once you realize that there's a choice and WHY you are choosing to do what you are doing, you may actually be able to find a better way - one that makes you happier.

One of the most important chapters in the book has to do with expressing anger. Rosenberg says that NVC doesn't suggest that you can't be angry about anything. Quite the opposite. If you're experiencing anger, you need to fully express it. However, you need to accurately identify the cause of your anger, which is always your own thinking - not someone else's actions. Their actions might have been the catalyst, but the emotion is your own. Then, you basically use the same four steps to work through your anger and attempt to get your needs met.

For me, an HR Lady, one of the most interesting chapters was "Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication." I've always felt like reward and recognition programs including praise and compliments in most workplaces don't usually provide the intended behavior changes. Now, I think I understand why - the intention behind these practices. Rosenberg states, "recipients of such praise do work harder, but only initially. Once they sense the manipulation behind the appreciation, their productivity drops. What is most disturbing for me, however, is that the beauty of appreciation is spoiled when people begin to notice the lurking entent to get something out of them." From my experience, I believe this is true. So, how do we provide meaningful appreciation? Rosenberg lays out three components:

1. "the actions that have contributed to our well-being."
2. "the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled."
3. "the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs."

If the appreciation is delivered succinctly with all 3 of these components, then the receiver will be much more likely to realize that the appreciation is genuine.

Like I said in the beginning, I wish I had read this book a long time ago. I gained a lot of insight from this book and will definitely be doing more research and reading on nonviolent communication. I think I might order the workbook next.

I started this book yesterday morning and finished the last chapter of it this morning, so it's also a quick and easy read. I give it four stars out of five, only because some of the ways that he states certain questions when trying to take regular communication to the NVC process just do not sound real. I can't imagine someone saying some of the statements that he says we should use in real life and some of the things that he claims to have said to people actually sound pretty harsh to me. Perhaps they did get at the heart of an issue or reveal a "truth" but I'm not sure about the exact means used to get there. Overall a GREAT book!

29 people found this helpful

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Trevor Neal

Review of Nonviolent Communication

Reviewed in the United States on January 1, 2015

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In reflecting on ways to make the world a better place, one of the first things we need is better methods of communication. Influenced by Mahatma Gandhi's philosophy of nonviolence, Marshall Rosenberg provides these tools in his book, 'Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.'
Seeking to de-colonize our mental processes of violent attitudes, he illustrates that the language we use has been en-culturated in us, and shows us how we can change our dialogue. By doing so, he demonstrates how we can connect with others and ourselves empathetically. His methods are easy to learn yet hard to master because the difficulty is breaking through the chains that condition us.
Most of us have been taught to place blame and feel shame. These are the feelings that Mr. Rosenberg seeks to bypass to provide us with more constructive ways of dealing with interpersonal and intrapersonal conflict.
Summarizing the communication model he advocates, in dialogue during tense situations first we must state our observations in a non-rebuking manner, with an awareness of the words we use and their potential impact on others. Next we state our feelings, again without placing blame on others. He emphasizes that although others may be a stimulus for how we are feeling only we are in control of our actual feelings. Therefore the words we use cannot assign fault of any kind to others. Then, we state the need that is causing our feeling. Finally, we make a request for action to meet the need we have identified.
Throughout his exposition on method he provides examples and case studies of its use, including times when he had to use the method himself. Then he goes on to illustrate how the method can be used in internal dialogue with ourselves to identify feeling states such as shame. His approach can be be used in both domestic relations and with our professional relationships, promoting better home environments as well as more pleasant work atmospheres.
Obviously, in order to use the method effectively, self reflection is key, and we need to work through our feelings before attempting to initiate dialogue so that we are on guard and are able to choose our words wisely when confronting others. With one minor mis-step we are back in the blame shame game and instead of reaching empathetic connection, interactions will escalate into the angry confrontations that we are used to.
By stepping back, and self reflecting before we confront, we can analyze the particular need that is spurring our anger in a given situation. By stating this need in a non accusatory manner we can relate more empathetically when we do relate to those who are provoking our anger. The same approach works in conflict in which both parties are angry. By recognizing each others needs the parties can begin to work out their conflict more empathetically.
The merit of this model is that it teaches us to become more aware of how we react, provides us skills in self reflection, as well as providing us with a means of getting in touch with our feelings. We react according to how we have been taught. Re-teaching ourselves a new method of interacting and being is the challenge. However, by attempting the model we can begin to understand how much conditioning we have had even if we fail at first.
I like how Mr. Rosenberg puts his main points in bullets making it easy for a reader to take notes. I also like the case studies he included showing the method in action. I doubt the book is as effective as a workshop with Mr. Rosenberg because of all the conditioning we have had that a workshop would increase our awareness of. Still, there is a lot in this book worth reflecting on and this general summary cannot adequately convey how to use this particular approach to dialogue. Readers are encouraged to read what Mr. Rosenberg has to say before attempting the method that he advocates. For anyone seeking alternative methods to interpersonal relations this book is worth checking out.

19 people found this helpful

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Robert A. Carter

Too late for me, I hope you discover this book in time...

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 31, 2014

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I discovered this book to late to rescue my marriage. Marshall Rosenberg was recommended as reading, (you can listen to him relatively easily on You Tube as a taster). The book is well laid out and full of examples and some exercises, Non-Violent Communication comes across as being relatively easy until you try it.
I have been able quite successfully to change the relationship I have with my children, with my son (6) it works really well, my daughter (4) is still a bit to young to recognise needs, nonetheless the atmosphere at home has changed and there are very few emotional outbursts on my part with the children. Home is a much happier and more positive place to be as a result.
Too much has happened inside and outside of my marriage for me not to be judgemental and emotional at this point, I hope that in a couple of months, and after another good effort at reading this book, I will be able to put all I have learnt with my children into practice, allowing me to end my marriage in a positive way. I also have set myself the goal of trying to use these techniques in the work place.
A very good book, if you have difficulties communicating within your marriage or relationship, the you should read the book and try it out.
Like I said, I was too late in discovering non-violent communication. Don't wait, buy it, read it and try it, if you can rescue relationships with those that are most dear to you, then the book will have been worth its weight in gold.

8 people found this helpful

J. Lee

An important read

Reviewed in Canada on October 1, 2013

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The name of this is easily misinterpreted: Nonviolent communication is not about calming people who communicate with physical or even obvious verbal violence. As a result, I fear many would pass this book and miss out.

This book teaches us a way to hear and communicate to others that addresses our needs and needs of others, speaking in ways that doesn't eventually lead to violence. It teaches us to be genuine.

Think of the term 'death by a thousand paper cuts'. While one judgement-speaking way may not yield a violent reaction now, many more later may. Think of a parent and adult-child's strained relationship from years of judgemental speaking on both sides. Think of strained marriages with both sides talking and getting nowhere.

This addresses these. Read this book.

I wish grade schools taught this. The concepts of this book are simple, yet implementation can be difficult. It is so against our cultural grain to think and know what our needs are let alone find the words to express it and not yield judgement. It's important to try.

I strongly recommend this book. I wish this was taught to me early on. It's not too late to try to start changing our wiring to enrich our own lives and others. Read now, and pass it on.

3 people found this helpful

Manorainjan Holzapfel

Anders als das Buch

Reviewed in Germany on July 7, 2008

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Dies ist nicht einfach das englischsprachige Hörbuch zum Original Buch "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values" sondern eine spezielle Hörfassung des im wesentlichen gleichen Themas.
Rosenberg ist sich sehr wohl des Unterschiedes zwischen einem Vortrag und eines Buches bewusst, immerhin hält er ständig Vorträge bzw. leitet Seminare. Und das Reden bzw. erzählen liegt ihm weit mehr, als das Schreiben von Büchern.

Also hören wir hier den Begründer der NVC selbst ausnahmsweise mal einen Monolog halten. Das ist natürlich nicht ganz so spannend wie eines seiner Seminare z.B. die 3-DVD-Fassung in der Jokers-Edition in der wir ihn auch im Originalton hören könnnen. Aber dafür sind die 5 Stunden sehr konzentriert, durchdacht und enthalten auch Material, dass man andernorts nicht zu hören, bzw. lesen bekam, wobei die Themen seines Hauptwerkes natürlich alle Abgedeckt werden, einschließlich der erst in späteren Ausgaben seines Buches hinzugekommen Kapitel über Self-empathy und das andernorts etwas vernachlässigte Themas der Dankbarkeit und des Feierns erfüllter Bedürfnisse.

So gibt es also sicher mehrere gute Gründe, sich das Hörbuch zuzulegen, auch wenn man das Buch schon gelesen hat, sowohl inhaltliche, wie formale.

Ein Inhaltsverzeichnis hat die Box nicht.
Dafür sind alle Titel auf den CDs vermerkt.
Das in deutschen Produktionen übliche "Rahmenprogramm" beschränkt sich hier auf die Box-Rückseite.
Die Aufmachung ist etwas eigen, aber durchaus ansprechend.

13 people found this helpful

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Shivari

An issue of trust

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 11, 2005

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Early on in my reading of this book, I started feeling a tremendous urge to throttle the author. Ironic, eh? Unfortunately, I had to continue as it was a set text for a training course I'm doing. My feeling persisted - worsened! The book rapidly became the most irritating book I have ever read.
It took me a long time to work out why I was experiencing such a strong reaction, mainly because I cannot really fault the methodology Rosenberg presents. NVC is a method of communicating in emotionally-charged situations in such a way that you get to say what you wish without alienating the other person. An admirable tool!
What actually bugs me is Rosenberg himself. In the entire book I gain no insight into the man himself. He and his NVC students are so very very nice. They don't seem to be passionate people, they don't seem to have negative emotions, they never feel angry, upset, jealous, selfish, nasty - all the things any normal person is from time to time.
Which makes me wonder: are they real people? Have they ever read Jung's writings on the Shadow (all those negative attributes about ourselves that we wish to deny)?
Quite simply, the absence of any negative traits in the NVC-speakers makes me distrust them - and therefore distrust Rosenberg.
Very placid people will find NVC a fairly easy approach to take. People who are less placid will probably struggle, because no starting-point is defined for them and this book places them in an alien world of emotionless people.

87 people found this helpful

Dorota

A book which has enriched my life immeasurably

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 16, 2015

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When I learnt last week of Marshall Rosenberg's death, last Saturday, 7th February, 2015, I felt moved to read again a book which has enriched my life immeasurably. Marshall makes no claims to be saying anything new and yet, at the same time, he has managed to distill a great deal of wisdom in a way which makes his teaching simple and accessible. After reading his book I was moved to explore his approach further, training with him and with some of those he taught and practising the approach he outlines in this book. And still, coming back to the book, I find new insights and new depths. This is definitely the book I would take with me in the event of being stranded on a desert island. I feel deep gratitude to Marshall Rosenberg for working tirelessly to develop the approach he eventually described in this and other books.

9 people found this helpful

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