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Not Becoming My Mother: and Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way Hardcover – April 21, 2009

by Ruth Reichl (Author)

52 customer reviews

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Bestselling author Ruth Reichl examines her mother's life, giving voice to the universal unarticulated truth that we are grateful not to be our mothers

In Not Becoming My Mother, bestselling author Ruth Reichl embarks on a clear-eyed, openhearted investigation of her mother's life, piecing together the journey of a woman she comes to realize she never really knew. Looking to her mother's letters and diaries, Reichl confronts the painful transition her mother made from a hopeful young woman to an increasingly unhappy older one and realizes the tremendous sacrifices she made to make sure her daughter's life would not be as disappointing as her own.

Growing up in Cleveland, Miriam Brudno dreamed of becoming a doctor, like her father. But when she announced this, her parents said, "You're no beauty, and it's too bad you're such an intellectual. But if you become a doctor, no man will ever marry you." Instead, at twenty, Miriam opened a bookstore, a profession everyone agreed was suitably ladylike. She corresponded with authors all over the world, including philosophers such as Bertrand Russell, political figures such as Max Eastman, and novelists such as Christopher Marlowe. It was the happiest time of her life.

Nearly thirty when she finally married, she fulfilled expectations, settled down, left her bookstore behind, and started a family. But conformity came at a tremendous cost. With labor-saving devices to aid in household chores, there was simply not enough to do to fill the days. Miriam-and most of her friends-were smart, educated women who were often bored, miserable, and silently rebellious.

On what would have been Miriam's one hundredth birthday Reichl opens up her mother's diaries for the first time and encounters a whole new woman. This is a person she had never known. In this intimate study Reichl comes to understand the lessons of rebellion, independence, and self-acceptance that her mother-though unable to guide herself-succeeded in teaching her daughter.--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Not Becoming My Mother: and Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Starred Review. The slender size of Reichl's memoir of her late mother's life belies its powerful tale of a young woman, Miriam Brudno, who bowed to societal and familial pressure to become a wife and a mother over pursuing a fulfilling career. While Reichl, editor-in-chief of Gourmet magazine, is well known for writing about her culinary adventures (Tender at the Bone; Garlic and Sapphires), this beautifully crafted homage follows a more personal path as she pushes past Mim Tales—stories she told about her mother to entertain her readers and friends—to dive deep into her mother's diaries and letters, paying tribute to a woman who was raised when good women didn't work if they didn't have to. So Miriam Brudno struggled to fit the mold of the perfect housewife, until she finally told a friend, Who cares about menus... when there are so many more interesting things to think about? When Reichl discovers an unopened letter to herself, she reads that her mother was cheering me on and pointing out that I had an obligation, both to myself and to her, to use my life well. Reichl has created a masterful portrait of a mother-daughter relationship that will resonate with readers across generations. (Apr.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From Booklist

Irreverently immortalized as the klutzy cook who renounced edibility in favor of creativity, Reichl’s mother, and her quirky kitchen habits,provided frivolous fodder for Reichl’s previous culinary memoirs. But in this keenly felt retrospective, Reichl reveals another side of her mother, whose life seemed a shining example of what not to do. Where once Miriam harbored visions of being a doctor and applied her formidable intellect in the business world, she ultimately subjugated her own ambition and desires in favor of those of her family, thus providing her daughter with a seemingly negative role model. Sadly typical of her time and generation, Miriam surrendered personal dreams to suit society’s restrictive ideals of feminine conduct, and paid a steep psychic price. Only upon discovering a hidden trove of diaries and letters after Miriam’s death was Reichl able to understand the full extent of her mother’s sacrifices. Candid and insightful, Reichl’s intensely personal and fiercely loving tribute acknowledges her mother as both the source and inspiration behind her success. --Carol Haggas

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Product Details

Hardcover: 128 pages
Publisher: Penguin Press; 1st edition (April 21, 2009)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1594202168
ISBN-13: 978-1594202162
Product Dimensions: 7.4 x 5.2 x 0.7 inches
Shipping Weight: 8 ounces
Average Customer Review: 3.5 out of 5 stars See all reviews (52 customer reviews)
Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #187,063 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #253 in Books > Biographies & Memoirs > Professionals & Academics > Culinary
- #1111 in Books > Cookbooks, Food & Wine > Cooking Education & Reference
- #2228 in Books > Biographies & Memoirs > Specific Groups > Women

Customer Reviews

3.5 out of 5 stars

5 star		33%
4 star		21%
3 star		19%
2 star		14%
1 star		13%

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Top Customer Reviews

Very disappointing

By JackieO on April 24, 2009

Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase

Having loved Reichl's three other books and having loved the bits of her mother throughout them, I was really looking forward to this book. Right out of the box, it makes a bad first impression - it's small (really small) with large type and large margins. She starts off by recounting how stories involving her mother in her previous books were embarrassing, and consequently approaches this one cautiously. Maybe too cautiously? I liked the concept of Reichl using her mother's old letters as a framework on which to build the story, but nothing ever really happened with it. Worse than not having a solid story, this book lacks feeling, something you'd expect, and hope, to find so prevalent in a daughter's retelling of her mother's life. What you get here is a plain vanilla version of the story of an intersting, colorful woman that reads more like a Wikipedia biography than anything else.

The woman in Reichl's other books was so real, so believable, so much like other women I've known from that generation all stitched together. That woman is barely recognizable here. We learn a bit about why she became the woman she did, but nothing about that woman. Reichl's mother seems more real through a quick memory in any of her previous books than she does in all 128 pages here.

Like another reviewer, it seemed obvious to me that this was published only to satisfy a contract. Otherwise, why would it have made it to the shelf? Of all the quips about her mother that Reichl has put into print, this is the most embarrassing. Save your money and wait to find this one in the bargain bin.

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A stunning little book.

By Natty AKA Picky Polly on June 26, 2009

Format: Hardcover

Yes, it's small and if you're looking for another of Reichl's complex food memoirs, you will be disappointed. Instead, this is a moving account of how Reichl rediscovered her mother through her mother's letters and notes.

Reichl's first memoir, Tender at the Bone, contained a lot of her mother and most of what was there was difficulty-- a mother mental illness with no talent for being a homemaker. This new work examines why her mother was a homemaker at all and the resounding answer is that she, like so many other women at that time, had no other choice.

In the end, what makes this book truly revelatory is that fact that it does the work that so many daughters cannot-- she tells her mother's story and by telling that story, Reichl comes to understanding. Then you can feel forgiveness in the pages and that forgiveness transformed into gratefulness. This book wasn't what I expected at all but I am so happy to have found it.

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A magazine article, not a book

By BW on April 26, 2009

Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase

I bought this on the Kindle, so I had no idea how short it was. If I had, I wouldn't have purchased it. I'm a big fan of Reichl's books, and am very puzzled why she's published this. As I read it, I kept wondering when the real book was going to start. It's a prelude, or a magazine article, not a book. Save your money and get it from the library; it's not worth the price.

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Good, not great

By Kindle Customer on April 21, 2009

Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase

I have really enjoyed so many of Ruth Reichl's previous books and I JUST got my Kindle, so I was really excited to make this my first purchase. Sigh, I was so excited, I didn't realize it was a slim, slim volume. 128 pages or so. I finished it in about an hour. This should have been an article in the New Yorker, not a book. Glad I didn't pay to have the hardcover. It was a nice little story, but again, not a book, more an essay. Ah well, I will wait for the next one to come out.

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Making Excuses for Mom

By Huntter on May 22, 2009

Format: Hardcover

I enjoyed Reichl's previous memoirs but was disappointed by this book. I understand the motivation to make sense of a difficult relationship with a mother who even when described in sugar-coated terms comes across as a bitter, attention-seeking monster. But by blaming society and her own grandmother for her mother's misery - a misery that mother was willing to inflict on all those around her - Reichl cops out.

In retrospect, with her mother long gone, Reichl finds a way to reassess her mother's cruel statements. They weren't insults! They weren't messages that nothing you do will ever be good enough! They were lessons designed to help her daughter have a better life! I'm not convinced. Nothing in this vivid portrait supports the conclusion that "Mom" was anything other than selfish, angry and judgmental. It is a testament to Reichl's strength and intelligence that she was able to make her mother a likable character in her previous books. To try and justify her mother's behavior by seeing good intentions that probably weren't there is understandable, but doesn't ring true.

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Astonishing and Tender

By Lauren Klein on November 9, 2009

Format: Hardcover

When my mother died I scoured the corners of her home for her. She was neat to a fault...leaving nary a note or memo or letter. She had neatly listed each item of jewelry she owned and written my name or my sister's name next to it...so we wouldn't fight over it.

But there was no box of letters or notes to mine for the stories. So, my mother, a lifelong story teller, left a void.

And when combined with Ruth's clean, compact story telling the book is a gift..a treasure.

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disappointed

By Edie Sousa on April 23, 2009

Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase

My feelings are so close to the first reviewer's that it seems almost redundant to write this. I am a big fan of Reichl's, but after the richness and density of her first 3 books, this slim little tale is a letdown. Reichl's zesty, earthy style is nowhere in evidence here. In actuality it is 110 pages of reading with copious front and backmatter. The pages are small, and the type is large. I, too, read it in an hour, and I agree that it would have made a great New Yorker article. It feels very "blown up" into a book. (Did she, perhaps, need to satisfy a 4-book contract?? No doubt "reviewers" will promote it as a great Mother's Day gift.) Like Reichl, I think we all live out our adult lives in reaction to what we knew as children--on some level and to a certain degree we either accept or reject it and move on. The fact that Reichl's mother was more of a character who wanted more for her daughter is probably more interesting to Ruth herself than anyone else--I think most mothers want the best for their kids. I am glad that she's made peace with her memories of her mom, but to be honest, I don't think readers of this book will come away any the richer for it.

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Most Recent Customer Reviews

Idle hands makes the mother a devil

Interesting story of a very unhappy upper middle class woman from an American jewish family, who upon succumbing to the pressure to get married, became a miserably depressed... Read more

Published 17 months ago by Mary Mekko

Love this book

Love this book! But I as disappointed that TGE ither one I ordered, the same day, is actually the same book, just a new title. But I do not blame you, I will use one as s gift!

Published 18 months ago by William A. Weinberg

She's an amazing writer & foodie

I adore Ruth Reichl. She's an amazing writer & foodie. This short-ish novel is about her fractured and ever-changing relationship with her mom. Love Ms. Read more

Published 19 months ago by Dee

Five Stars

Perfect...loved it❤️

Published 24 months ago by L. Gossett-Raderman

Five Stars

Good reading and enjoyed it being on CD.

Published on August 18, 2014 by Dolores Lucero

Ruth Reichl is my hero

Get all her books as fast as you can. But don't forget to get this one. Tells every secret to her amazing life. You will love it. You'll also want a daughter asap.

Published on March 29, 2013 by S. Belson

Great Book!

I really enjoyed reading this short but very well written book. I loved the story; its funny, sad, happy, and you feel good after you read it. What more could you want?

Published on January 11, 2012 by no name

too much repetition from other books

I eagerly awaited getting into this book after reading "Tender at the Bone" by the same author. Loved "Tender... Read more

Published on October 8, 2011 by rude dog

Short but Powerful

A moving and surprisingly gripping account of how Ruth Reichl's mother struggled for happiness and meaning at a time--not so long ago--when beauty was a woman's only asset, and... Read more

Published on December 30, 2010 by Jaylia

Small Bite, Not Tasty

This book was disappointing. Having completely enjoyed Reichl's other books, I anticipated another good read. The title itself was half as long as the book. Read more

Published on October 2, 2010 by Nancy Lynch