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Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity Paperback – February 3, 2004
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From Publishers Weekly
Refusing to pander to audiences expecting Dr. Phil-type quick fixes, Glass (who has appeared on Oprah herself) chooses "a new, fact-based, scientifically and therapeutically responsible approach" to a subject she contends is fraught with public and professional misconceptions. Drawing on research studies (her own and others') and clinical cases from her 25 years as a psychotherapist, she explores "the new crisis of infidelity" resulting from platonic relationships that become progressively intense. Personal and professional friendships between men and women have become so prevalent and accepted that, according to Glass, even "good" people in "good" marriages can be swept away in a riptide of emotional intimacy more potent than sheer sexual attraction. Glass scrutinizes affairs and offers well-defined guidelines, including tips for determining how vulnerable individuals and relationships are to temptation, and prescriptions for keeping relationships "safe," repairing betrayal-induced damages and recovering from the trauma. Glass's credentials and commitment lend this book credence as a valuable resource; Staeheli's easy, personable style and the well-organized format make it user-friendly, too.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
Michele Weiner-Davis author of The Sex-Starved Marriage So illuminating, instructive, down-to-earth, and inspiring that it truly transforms lives. Since no marriage -- including yours -- is immune to infidelity, this book is a godsend.
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples NOT ' Just Friends' puts a new face on infidelity. The author, using clinical experience and current research, broadens its definition, causes, and means of resolution. I recommend it for anyone considering an affair, in an affair, or recovering from an affair.
Pat Love, Ed.D. author of The Truth About Love and Hot Monogamy A must-read for anyone whoever hopes to be happy in long-term relationship.
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Top Customer Reviews
The book really opened my eyes to what all is involved when an affair happens, and it also shows that affairs can happen in good marriages if safeguards are not followed to protect the marriage. My attention was immediately hooked after the first quiz in the book which was created to let people know if the person they say is "just a friend" really is just that. I can honestly say after reading this book I have realized that even though I never physically cheated on my wife, I came close to having an emotional affair at one point. What I also liked about this book is that most books that deal with affairs always seem to be focused around the husband being the cheater. The author shared not only about female infidelity, but also research that backed up the different reasons for why males and females cheat.
The book wants you to ask the question "Is your spouse genuinely a dishonest person, or were they dishonest because of the affair?" There was also an excellent point made that you should NEVER discuss any problems in your relationship with someone who could potentially be a replacement for your partner. Only discuss problems with someone of the opposite sex if they are a "FRIEND of the marriage" and wants to see your marriage work. The author also provides an excellent strategy using "walls and windows" and the best ways to protect your marriage. This book not only saved my marriage but also saved my sanity as well. It is a MUST READ!
After learning of my husband's infidelity last June, I began a frantic search for answers, comfort and guidance. I wound up buying 5 books within the first few days. As I started reading through them simultaneously, "Not 'Just Friends'" quickly emerged as a beacon of hope and understanding. While the other books were helpful and informative, none of them could even touch the level of information and compassion contained in Glass's book.
I have now read over a dozen books, various websites and articles, and countless threads on web forums dedicated to infidelity. "Not 'Just Friends'" has become my bible (in fact I have a hard copy and a copy on my Kindle now). Glass approaches the subject from a very rational, scientific and logical perspective, without losing an ounce of compassion or her grasp on the deep emotions involved for all of the players. Unlike so many other "experts" on the subject, Glass is able to present things from the perspective of the betrayed, the cheater and the affair partner. She doesn't point fingers, berate any of the parties, or dichotomize people into "good" and "evil". She makes it clear that infidelity is wrong, hurtful and destructive. But she also delves deeply into the why's and how's of it so that everyone involved can truly learn and grow.
The book doesn't just cover physical affairs -- which is what most people think when they hear "affair". She also extensively covers emotional infidelity, an extremely common and just as damaging, but less understood and talked about form of betrayal. The book also covers affairs that take place via the internet, which has become increasingly common. She uses a lot of examples of real-life cases (modified to protect identities). She discusses affairs between coworkers, "friends", family, neighbors, strangers, etc. She talks about people who have only cheated once, and people who have had multiple affairs. She talks about people who have "revenge affairs" after learning of their partner's infidelity. She revisits many of these stories throughout the book to provide a complete picture not only of the anatomy of the affair, but of the recovery process as well. You get to see the good and the bad, and what worked and what didn't.
The book is structured in a logical order. It starts off with an introduction and some general info about infidelity. Then it walks you through the process, from initial discovery through the various stages of recovery. It covers what each person involved can expect, and advises on how to best handle whatever may come up. She provides exercises to help you through the process. She guides you through getting to the truth, understanding the affair, figuring out why it really happened, deciding whether to stay or leave, how to handle triggers/flashbacks, and how to handle the affair partner. She also has a section for how to cope and heal if you or your partner decide to end the marriage. She talks about risk factors and warning signs, in case you suspect infidelity but haven't been able to confirm it. And she also clearly defines how to prevent infidelity and set healthy, appropriate boundaries around your marriage.
As I read through the book the first time, I was stunned at how accurately Glass was able to describe and predict exactly what I was thinking and feeling. My husband also picked up the book, and remarked that it was eerily spot on for him too. That alone has been helpful, because it's allowed me to have a good sense of what may happen next, and how to deal with it, as well as have a deeper understanding of what my husband is going through. I've consulted the book many times over the last few months when those things finally did happen to remind myself of how to cope. Pretty much everything we've gone through has been covered in one way or another in the book.
Despite the fact that Glass lays out a lot of potentially scary information, and harbingers of future pitfalls, the book never fails to have a calming effect on me. Reading passages specific to what I'm going through at the moment allows me to reground myself, and think through how I can and should respond. While we have far more work to do, the results are noticeable. It has made me realize that getting past this, and even having a better marriage in the long run, is absolutely possible. And it's also helped me see that if we can't be fixed, I will still be better and stronger as an individual.
Even if you have never experienced infidelity, I highly recommend this book. Affairs are disturbingly common, and many cases go undetected. The advice, insights and tools given in this book will be helpful to such people by giving them what they need to protect themselves and their marriage. If you love your partner, and you love your life together, isn't that worth doing whatever it takes to protect it?
A great read never the less.