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Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself First Edition
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- Item Weight : 1.61 pounds
- Paperback : 504 pages
- ISBN-13 : 978-0988979871
- ISBN-10 : 098897987X
- Dimensions : 6 x 1.26 x 9 inches
- Publisher : Center For Social Confidence, The; First edition (October 17, 2017)
- Language: : English
- Best Sellers Rank: #22,101 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- Customer Reviews:
Top reviews from the United States
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All of this in the span of one year.
For the next 5 years, I battled a deep depression.
And yet, this was probably also the most important period of my life because it eventually led me to seek out help. I tried CBT. I tried therapy. In desperation, I even hired a pick up artist coach. It seems like nothing was ever going to help. I felt even more hopeless than ever.
And then I found this Dr. Aziz guy that I'd never heard of before. But I thought, "What the heck. One more try."
Among the many things I learned through the wisdom taught in this book was how to speak up, how to ask for what I need, how to ask for what I want, how to stand up for what is fair and right, how to set boundaries, how to tell people no, and so much more.
Now, I've broken the depression. I'm in an amazing relationship with the most beautiful and incredible girl. My salary has more than doubled. And whereas I used to keep my head down at work, I now regularly speak my mind and have become a trusted advisor to the owner of the company. In fact, I may be one of the most influential voices there.
And seriously, I don't know if I could have changed my life in this way without what I've learned from Dr. Aziz.
At first glance, ‘Not Nice’ appears to fit this pattern. Because only a jerk would want to not be nice to others right!? What makes Dr. Aziz’s approach different is that is explains in detail the reasons why we accommodate, appease, and seek people’s consideration and approval. The fact is we very much care about what people think of us and by pleasing others, giving them everything they want, and never creating discomfort, we will be accepted. Unfortunately, as many nice people know, always accommodating lowers your personal energy and leaves you drained. Eventually you become angry at others and yourself for allowing it to happen.
Dr. Aziz lays out the reasons why we learned from an early age to be proper and respectful at times. It continues into adulthood where we experience anxiety and stress that consumes our social, romantic, and professional interactions. We become so pressured to be accepted by others that it manifests itself as physical symptoms that arise from this anxiety. Dr. Aziz shares his personal stories of anxiety causing symptoms because of the mental toll caused from always people-pleasing and always accommodating others. He lists the specific tools necessary to be your own #1 advocate and take better care of yourself without always feeling so guilt about this. Dr. Aziz makes it clear that making significant change takes direct action and consistency. Fortunately, he provides a multitude of case studies and scenarios to illustrate how to get started.
In the second part of the book, Dr Aziz speaks on how to reshape your mentality and take action. It’s not about becoming mean or cold towards others. It’s about bringing your bold and authentic self into the light for others to appreciate. At the core of ‘Not Nice’ is a passionate plea to not compromise yourself in life. Only by acknowledging and accepting your thoughts and attitudes can you begin to advocate for yourself. I have noticed in my brief application of some techniques from this book, how people are surprised that I pushed back at a request or spoke for myself for a chance. The anxiety is still there but I feel better about it. Plus others respect me more than I thought they would.
‘Not Nice’ is an excellent and refreshing take on how to be your own best advocate. It’s well researched and contains a lot of material. But ultimately it’s just a guide; you still have to apply it in the real world consistently for it to work. If you are ready to step outside of your comfort zone to be a better you, this book is a great introduction.
If you grew up in an emotionally abused household this book is FOR YOU.
I struggled for years trying to find the answers to my social connection issues I was having. This book helps you rethink the damaging thoughts you learned during childhood and gives you the advice you need to properly think positively and effectively with other people.
I have been to many counselors, physcologists and therapists and of all the help I tried to get I can honestly say this book has given me more than I have ever received.
The concept of interpersonal boundaries is extremely important and there are a ton of authors out there that've tried to explain what it is - Henry Cloud, Mark Manson, etc. Bowen Family Systems theory uses the opposing concepts of Self-Differentiation and Fusion to explain good and bad relationship boundaries. Insecure Attachment Styles and Fantasy Bonds are basically the dynamics of bad boundaries as well. But nobody has done a better job of explaining boundaries and the thought processes involved in reinforcing good or bad boundaries than Gazipura. It's not just an academic treatment; it's easily actionable.
And regarding how bad boundaries contributes to people pleasing, there's a reason Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy is a popular Men's Book. This book is along the lines of Glover's book, with maybe a little less Freudian psychology / focus on upbringing, but with more focus on tackling what's going on your head with these limiting beliefs and behaviors, why they're flawed, and what to do about them.
The guy also has a really good speaking voice so if you buy the Audiobook, it's very easy to listen to.
Top reviews from other countries
Within just a few minutes I was fixed to the spot with surprise, as listening to the points he made in that 45 minute conversation was like someone sounding a gong behind my head! I recognised myself and some of the problems I've had in life over and over again, and so decided to purchase the kindle book to delve a bit deeper. I'm very pleased that I did. It's easy to read without having to trudge through psychobabble, and has lots of great examples, profound quotes and even an action list at the end to get you used to being less nice. My interpretation of 'less nice' being more assertive and clear about what you do and don't want (or agree with), and being able to communicate that even if you feel uncomfortable about it in the beginning.
If you believe that you are someone who always feels obliged to do things so as not to upset the apple-cart, apologises too much or just doesn't feel that you are the authority in your own life then I'd definitely recommend it. I've just this moment finished it, and I plan to read through it a second time to reinforce my learning.
Hope you find it as insightful and useful as I have.
This book will help you to put yourself in the first place, instead of even unconsciously be peoples pleaser becoming "yourself pleaser" for your own and even others good, after all in your universe the most important person is you and that's how it should be!
The book is large, full of valuable and thoughtful observations that will make reading fast and pleasurable, it's got 15 chapters that I'm sure from each one of them you will extract knowledge that will stick with you and make you more aware in your everyday behaviors.
This book abolishes some old steorotypes and provides a fresh, detailed look on the subject.
I would recommend this book to anyone who is into self improving and is looking for practical means of seeing how it's done.