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Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex Paperback – Illustrated, November 1, 2011
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Winner of the Healthy Teen Network’s Carol Mendez Cassell Award for Excellence in Sexuality Education and the American Sociological Association's Children and Youth Section's 2012 Distinguished Scholarly Research Award
For American parents, teenage sex is something to be feared and forbidden: most would never consider allowing their children to have sex at home, and sex is a frequent source of family conflict. In the Netherlands, where teenage pregnancies are far less frequent than in the United States, parents aim above all for family cohesiveness, often permitting young couples to sleep together and providing them with contraceptives. Drawing on extensive interviews with parents and teens, Not Under My Roof offers an unprecedented, intimate account of the different ways that girls and boys in both countries negotiate love, lust, and growing up.
Tracing the roots of the parents’ divergent attitudes, Amy T. Schalet reveals how they grow out of their respective conceptions of the self, relationships, gender, autonomy, and authority. She provides a probing analysis of the way family culture shapes not just sex but also alcohol consumption and parent-teen relationships. Avoiding caricatures of permissive Europeans and puritanical Americans, Schalet shows that the Dutch require self-control from teens and parents, while Americans guide their children toward autonomous adulthood at the expense of the family bond.
- Print length312 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherUniversity of Chicago Press
- Publication dateNovember 1, 2011
- Dimensions6 x 0.8 x 9 inches
- ISBN-100226736199
- ISBN-13978-0226736198
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About the Author
Amy T. Schalet is assistant professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.
Product details
- Publisher : University of Chicago Press; Illustrated edition (November 1, 2011)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 312 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0226736199
- ISBN-13 : 978-0226736198
- Item Weight : 1 pounds
- Dimensions : 6 x 0.8 x 9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #862,699 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #709 in Medical Psychology of Sexuality
- #800 in Sociology of Marriage & Family (Books)
- #1,477 in Psychology & Counseling Books on Sexuality
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About the author

Amy Schalet is Associate Professor of Sociology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and a specialist on adolescent sexuality and culture in comparative perspective. She has served on the boards of national and local health organizations, consulted with community groups, and collaborated on clinical and educational materials. Schalet has delivered plenary addresses and trainings at the American Academy of Pediatrics, the Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine, and the STD-prevention branch of the Centers for Disease Control, among others. She has written opinion pieces for the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Huffington Post. Schalet has been awarded grants from the Ford Foundation, the National Science Foundation and the Woodrow Wilson Foundation. She holds a bachelor's degree from Harvard and a doctorate from the University of California, Berkeley.
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As Schalet explains, Dutch society has developed a template for "normal" and healthy adolescent sexual development that fosters emotionally committed relationships under parents' and adults' watchful gaze. Although she is scrupulously fair in admitting its imperfections, Schalet shows that this template leads to clearly superior health outcomes, since Dutch teens have much lower rates of unintended pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and abortions than do American teens. By contrast, American teenage sexuality is a battleground pitting girls against boys, parents against children, and ungovernable adolescent peer groups against ineffectually authoritarian adult laws and norms. Few of the participants on the American scene seem particularly happy with the way things are. This is where Amy Schalet's book is so valuable: she shows that things could be otherwise.
As a piece of scholarship, this book is of sterling quality: it recognizes and respects the cultural and institutional forces at work in each country's approach to adolescent sexuality. Schalet demonstrates that culture shapes behavior and experience powerfully, but that cultural change is also possible: the Dutch approach to sexuality is a recent, post-1960s innovation.
The American parents, health professionals, educators, and even teens who will benefit most from this book are those with socially liberal impulses who feel that there must be a better way, but are not entirely sure what a realistic alternative to the status quo might be. For these people, Schalet shows a way forward that is neither the current prohibitionist culture nor a completely permissive libertarian mirror image of the status quo. Her book holds out the possibility of a more humane, mutually respectful, and healthy adolescent experience of sexuality.
Staunch social conservatives who read this book will probably come away unconvinced, believing that American adolescents are somehow intrinsically less self-disciplined than their European counterparts. (How is it that "socialism" teaches self-control so effectively?) Or they may believe that making teens "pay for their sins" is morally or religiously appropriate.
But for American readers who want a more compassionate--and demonstrably effective--approach to helping adolescents learn about love and sex, Schalet's book is indispensable. The more widely this book is read, the better the prospects for improving our children's lives, home by home and community by community.
Believe it or not, sex is a healthy part of relationships. Will I let my daughter have her boyfriend over for the night when she is 16? Absolutely, as long as they have shown they are going about the relationship in a mature manner. Would I rather her get caught having sex in the back of a car in a parking lot? Would I rather her tearfully tell me she is pregnant because she was too scared to ask about birth control?
Read it and think. Of course not everyone will agree, but it will give you a different perspective.
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