A portion of this review appears in the comments section under a one star review by Achilles. I just finished reading this book and was curious about what others thought. Evidently, the majority of readers enjoyed it as much as I did and for a variety of excellent reasons. The few one star reviews were surprisingly strident, imperious, patronizing and overbearing. They pronounced the book as "biased" ~ which merely means that it had a point of view, as most non fiction books do, but that was not a reason for one star; another said it was a "waste" because they felt the authors made assumptions about who would read it ~ in my opinion, such assumptions are only logical when you expect to make money on the book ~ in marketing we like to know our intended audience ~ but again, surely not a reason for one star; yet a third felt the conclusions were "facile" but for all the wrong reasons; while a fourth angrily focused on merely 3 pages. Achilles, your review requires a category of its own. It seems a few brave souls have addressed you with their comments. What struck me was that some of the arrogance, rage and fury over this book seems disproportionate to its content ~ which is clearly stated in the preface: "as a society, collectively, we never recognized..." as the real thing that "many important ideas have been right under our noses". The introduction tells us that the book will discuss "why our instincts about children can be so off the mark". This invites us to indulge in a good read and think about what they say. It doesn't impose radical concepts upon us ~ but an offer to contemplate some ideas. As a parent I found this very intriguing and felt that the authors generously presented us with some well written, engaging and at times compelling information.
As Shannon Davis pointed out in her comments, this was "not meant to be a child rearing guide". As E.W. Price states, "the authors are journalists presenting information in a fairly narrow area of research and they do not pretend to be experts". It appears to me that most of the one star reviewers have spent a great deal of time behind a desk engaged in academic pursuits but have not spent a whole lot of time in the trenches actually raising children.
I'm a mother of 7 children (they're not all mine but I parented all of them). The youngest is 25 and the oldest 40. I have also been a TIRELESS volunteer at everyone's school, clubs and athletics as well as chaperoning their social groups. I feel I have a rather ample supply of experience from which to draw my conclusions about a book like this.
In many instances the book accurately reflects my experiences although in some cases it does not. For example, the Baby Einstein DVDs came out long after my children were too old for them. However, I could easily grasp the premise as all of my kids were born and raised overseas. They are all multilingual (English, French and Spanish). The 25 year old was born in France where we lived for 5 years. His first caregiver was Chinese, his second Polish and his third Moroccan (Arabic speaking). All three of these languages are rather complex and not Latin based. The family and friends spoke French or English to him. He came to the States at 6 years old. It appears to everyone that he has a "gift for sounds" and accents. Without dwelling on this, I think you can see where I'm going here. The DVDs would have been equivalent to mindless background chatter while his caregivers spoke directly to him offering him a greater opportunity to fully grasp the sounds. The results are evident. Hence, the disappointment by many with the DVDs. This is dealt with in the book.
My 4 older children did not have the questionable "benefit" of Sesame Street, that purple Dino cartoon or an endless supply of cheerful videos. My oldest daughter is exceptionally assertive and argumentative; the two younger daughters are sweet and gentle while my oldest son is mellow. The youngest son who had all of the above media input and tons of violent video games, computer games and jolly children's shows has an astounding supply of empathy and has revealed not a shred of aggressivity ~ he happily volunteers at animal shelters and is active in the Big Brother program. He cries over sad movies and wrote and self published his first novel at 19. He has never shown the slightest belligerence despite the author's contentions. Only one child was somewhat aggressive (the oldest) and she was always like that ~ it was simply her temperament. The book draws other conclusions about heavy American style media input but I didn't see that in my youngest son or in his many friends. They could be exceptions of course.
There may be some basis for the author's conclusions but my point here is that the majority of people who would even bother to read a book like this are likely discerning readers and read for the pleasure of adding to their knowledge. When they decide that something just "ain't so" in their opinion or doesn't apply to their situation they can pass it over. That's how most people read anyway. We're not buying everything published as concrete and the authors don't expect us to ~ especially as each child is as unique as a snowflake.
I could write reams and reams and reams about the chapters on The Inverse Power of Praise, Why Kids Lie (they ALL try it) and the Search for Intelligent Life in Kindergarten. In fact I was laughing with delight at the many personal examples of evidence I could recall in just about every chapter but I also frowned at a few things too. Whether an hour less sleep is behind ADHD, obesity and lost IQ points is not for me to decide, there is no question at all that more sleep is better, period! Any mother could tell you that. So much the better if the kids could so easily avoid other problems at the same time.
The chapter on the Science of Teen Rebellion was informative. However, I don't agree that arguing suggests respect ALL the time. Sometimes perhaps, but often it's just a challenge they pursue as part of their need to grow away from us and create their independence. It's a necessary part of their development, that's all. I have been lucky ~ my kids were all easy ~ ahhh, mmmm, maybe one wasn't but she's alright now. I'm currently volunteering on the streets with a non-profit that helps homeless teens and I don't think that most of them would agree that their arguing shows respect either. Most of them come from cruel situations ~ parents on drugs or alcohol or serious abuse. Their arguments would likely have been extremely riveting since it would frequently mean their very life or something close to a battering and total humiliation. The chapter on Self Control was right on. My youngest son, the only one who has been to American schools, was the ONLY child in his school to ever have failed DARE. He was feeling cynical and patronized ~ his actions were quite deliberate and I agreed. Despite some misgivings I'm relieved he hasn't the slightest interest in drugs as opposed to all of his mates who DO (or rather did) ~ it was awhile ago. We KNOW he tried marijuana a few times as he came home and told us. He's 25 now, working 30 hours a week and putting himself through college (after two years volunteering with various programs). He drinks a beer with my husband occasionally and enjoys some wine at dinner when I serve it.
The kids essentially feel that DARE is stupid and DOESN'T really "work". Neither did that moronic Nancy Reagan idiocy "Just say No" ~ talk about someone with precious little insight into human behavior! Most of my homeless kids ARE or WERE on drugs and they all went through DARE.
The "Tools" program (I've forgotten which chapter), on the other hand, IS INDEED PHENOMENAL and DOES work. You really should take an opportunity to view it in action or at least buy the book and read about it. People need to be aware of such programs so they can observe them and lobby for them at their schools. This is one reason I have recommended this book to a large number of women. I think they're thoughtful enough and decidedly wise enough to "know" instinctively what is right for their individual children and what to pass over. This book offers information to savor, digest or disregard if you choose to. This is an excellent book for those with a brain who know how to read such books. As for the those clinging to their over-intellectualized (in some cases) one star reviews, you have not successfully argued your points and I strongly recommend to potential readers of this book to completely ignore them. I suggest you read the book, think for yourself and jolly well form your own opinion. You will surely learn some fascinating things from it. Thank you.
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Naomi Coutts
Interesting, ignore the alarmist title!
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