A man walks into a bar and sees his ex-girlfriend. “Hey,” he says, “I was screwing my new girlfriend last night, but I was thinking about you.” “Why? Do you want to get back together?” “No. It keeps me from coming too quick.” What’s the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn? Shoot her again. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have any balls to scratch. A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. He slams it down, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. He repeats this five times, then asks for the tab. The bartender totals it up and says, “Why do you examine the contents of your pocket after each drink?” “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking good I go home and fuck her.” Did you hear about the new morning after birth control pill for men? It alters their blood type. Two brothers, who married twins, walk into a bar and order a pitcher of Michelob. “So what did you get Cindy for her birthday?” asks the older brother. The younger brother says, “I got her a diamond necklace and a BMW.” “Why two gifts?” “If she doesn’t like the diamond necklace she’ll have a brand new car to drive to the jewelry store and exchange it. What did you get Wendy?” “A pair of pink fuzzy slippers and a carrot.” “That’s an odd combo.” “Not really. I figure if she doesn’t like the slippers she can fuck herself.” A hooker, fearing she might be a hemophiliac, went to see her doctor. “The smallest little nick,” she told him, “and I bleed for days.” “How much,” he asked, “do you lose during your period?” “About two thousand dollars.” A man wheels himself into a bar. He has two broken legs and his head is bandaged. “Jerry,” asks the bartender, “what happened to you?” “It was my wife’s birthday last week and she wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in under six seconds.” “You dumbshit,” says the bartender, “you bought her a motorcycle, then borrowed and crashed it.” “Worse,” says Jerry. “I bought her a bathroom scale.” A lady walks into a doctor’s office and says, “You gotta help me. I’m tired all the time. I got no energy.” “Look at your fat ass,” says the doctor. “You’re obese. You’re a fucking tub of guts. Lose some weight you lazy bitch.” “I demand a second opinion.” “Okay,” says the doctor. “You’re ugly, too.” A doctor approaches a patient and says, “You have, tops, a month to live. The cancer’s incurable.” “Nice bedside manner, Doc. Can’t you think of anything positive to say?” “You’re right. I apologize.” “Accepted. If you tell me one thing that happened here today that’s positive.” The doctor thinks, then says, “You see my new receptionist with the big tits?” “Yeah?” The doctor whispers, “I fucked her at lunch.” A man went to his therapist and said, “You gotta help me, I’m distraught. Every night my wife goes to Mac’s Bar and sucks everyone’s cock.” “Calm down. Just take a deep breath and tell me where Mac’s Bar is located.” A man walks into a bar in Las Vegas and says to the bartender, “My wife is deathly ill and I need to borrow $100 to pay the insurance deductible and get her into the hospital.” “If I gave you $100,” says the bartender, “you’d just use it for gambling.” “Fuck you,” says the man, “I got gambling money.” A man walks into a bar and orders a double John Jameson. Without being asked he says to the bartender, “The Vietnam War ruined my fucking life.” “Where’d you serve in Nam?” asks the bartender. “I didn’t.” “Then how could it have ruined your life?” “My wife’s first husband was killed there.” Many many many more tasteless and politically incorrect jokes inside.