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We Love Each Other, but... Simple Secrets to Strengthen Your Relationship and Make Love Last Paperback – February 14, 2000

4.5 out of 5 stars 34 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

Review

“What a gift from an expert in the field. We Love Each Other, But... is as warm as it is wise. In fact, it was hard to put down. Dr. Ellen Wachtel's ideas can be put into practice immediately and will help couples in all stages of marriage. You don't need to have problems to benefit--this book will make a good relationship even better. It's the kind of solid, commonsensical advice couples need in today's fast-paced world.” ―Sharyn Wolf, author of Guerrila Dating Tactics and How to Stay Lovers For Life

“A wonderful accessible, and practical guide for couples seeking to avoid affairs, make good sense out of those shaky moments that inevitably challenge even the healthiest relationships, and last the course happily together.” ―Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair

“Dr. Ellen Wachten is special in the field of family therapy, and this book shows her at her best. She is a highly skilled professional, but more than being smart, she is wise. Best of all, she meets her readers as she does her clients, with true personal openness and candor. In addition to learning important skills, readers of this enjoyable book will be able to address their problems with the help of a comforting, reassuring friend.” ―Donald A. Bloch, M.D., president of American Family Therapy Academy

About the Author

Dr. Ellen F. Wachtel, author of We Love Each Other, But... is widely known in the field of marriage and family therapy. She has a Ph.D. in psychology and a law degree from Harvard Law School. She has taught at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy, New York University, the City University of New York, and New York City's St. Lukes-Roosevelt Hospital. Married for more than thirty years and the mother of two grown children, she lives in New York City.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 224 pages
  • Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin; 4 edition (February 14, 2000)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0312254709
  • ISBN-13: 978-0312254704
  • Product Dimensions: 5.6 x 0.6 x 8.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 2.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (34 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #260,325 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
"We love each other, but... we could use some expert advice so that we can keep on loving." If you have ever thought about your relationship in these terms, then this is a must-read book for you and your partner. Dr. Wachtel knows about the perils of co-navigating a marriage, both from her professional experience as a researcher and family therapist (she has "worked with close to one thousand couples"), and from her own life (she has been married to the same man "for more than thirty years"). Her book is accessible and fun to read, integrating brief, illustrative case histories with keen (and also brief!) psychological analyses, followed by sensible suggestions for couples to work out their problems. Dr. Wachtel organizes her material into eight chapters on such topics as decision-making, arguing, raising children, and having a satisfactory sex life (while doing all of the above!). I particularly like how she addresses the reader, simply and directly, throughout her narrative; for example, in her discussion of "harmful words" during arguments, she tells us: "Even if you apologize and explain that you didn't mean what you said, your partner may still be hurt. . . . Your partner not only feels wounded by your words but by the fact that you wanted to be so hurtful." Occasional references to her personal experiences enrich the narrative, allowing the reader to envision the author as a real person, herself struggling with life's challenges, as when she discusses some minor and major differences between her and her husband: "Poking around in flea markets is a real treat for me, but he becomes restless. . . . We differ even on such fundamentals as child-rearing philosophies and religious convictions.Read more ›
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Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
If there were six stars available, I'd give them to this book. Without a doubt, We Love Each Other But saved my marriage of 6 years. I was embarrassed to look at the chapter headings and realize how typical I was, having allowed my marriage to grow weeds through neglect:
* We Love Each Other But ... Every Decision is a Tug-of-War
* We Love Each Other But ... We Get into Really Bad Arguments
* We Love Each Other But ... We Don't Have Much of a Sex Life
* We Love Each Other But ... But I Have a Hard Time Dealing with my Partner's Emotional Hang-ups
* We Used to Love Each Other But ... Now I'm Not So Sure
* We Love Each Other But ... Life with Children Isn't Easy
* We Love Each Other But ... Is This It?

The author's style is easy-to-read, and she gives terse usable relationship rules that my husband and I have adopted in our day-to-day reactions. We went from discussing divorce to being the strongest couple we've ever been, and look forward to many more happy decades together.

For instance, Dr. Wachtel's advice has turned our frequent explosive arguments into productive discussions. We now walk away from the conversation when either one of us gets emotional or defensive, returning to it after 10 minutes or an hour. We know not to get upset when someone calls a time out. We focus on understanding the other's perspective instead of just getting our own across. We touch more often, and for the first time in a long time, I know my husband still loves me, and he knows I still love him.

I believe that if we'd read this book earlier, and been open to Dr. Wachtel's ideas, we would have never reached the crisis point we came to. I've since bought 4 additional copies of this book (my husband and I each have one) to give as wedding gifts.
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Format: Hardcover
This is an absolute gem of a book. The author writes clearly and simply, and if you follow her good advice your marriage or relationship will take one huge leap forward. This is a quick read and terrifically helpful, espeically if one or both people in the relationship feels angry, criticized, unapprecated,r ignored, or hopeless..
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By A Customer on August 17, 2001
Format: Paperback
Here's a relationship book that doesn't blab, it's good info, great solutions and well written. Many relationship books babble on and on and promise many solutions yet don't deliver. This book delivers. The solutions are extremely helpful and easy to apply. My boyfriend, who is not into relationship books loved this book. It tapped into his way of thinking. I definitely recommend this book!
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Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Yes, I have all the stereotypes that are attached to my profession...critical, type A personality, sometimes ridiculously high standards, structured, can obsess over a situation/concern, loyal, and extremely limited with ways to use my time. When I discovered that my marriage was suffering because I just "couldn't find the time" to be a superwoman in bed..and beyond. After looking at my husbands frustration, and hearing him say one time too often.."I've become immune to the lack of sex" "can't miss whatI don't get.." I became concerned. I guess I thought that he SHOULD be attracted to me, even if we don't have sex as often as he wants. (Heck) I think 3 to 4 times a week is OUTRAGEOUS. It was great for dating, but who has the time anymore.

BUT....then I read this book. It is GREAT!!! I went on line after I identified that the real problem could actually be me, and ordered over 20...yes 20.. books on love, sex, and marriage. I set out to FIX this problem. Well This book is giving me the foundation from which to build. The chapter on your "We don't have too much Sex life" was excellent. To follow up "Dealing With..Emotional Hang-ups," helped me as well. I must acknowledge that some of those hang-ups came about due to the lack of sex. To my female peers, I am sure that you will agree that men are so much more pleasant after you've made love. While reading I would run to my husband and say..."hey read this..let's get those tapes.." I discovered that the hard porn was okay, but it was too synthetic for me, and those women were dumb as an ox. Who actually comes in and says..."oh I want you to ... me" to an absolute stranger?
Plus Dr. Ellen Wachtel didn't speak to me as if I was a patient.
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