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Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will Paperback – December 24, 2013

4.7 out of 5 stars 289 ratings

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Editorial Reviews

Review


The patterns of behavior we witness in childhood become the template for our own way of parenting.

It’s because discipline focuses on behavior, not on the feel- ings driving the behavior, that it undercuts the very thing we are trying to accomplish.

We’ve been so schooled to impose “lessons” on our children that it feels counterintuitive to allow the lesson to emerge naturally out of the situation.

The reality is that children learn not because we tell them, but from how we relate to them. It’s the differ- ence between “doing to” ver- sus “doing with.”

To give a child things or deprive them because to do so matches our subconscious agenda—our unresolved emo- tional baggage—rather than aligning with their develop- mental needs, is to court conflict.

Each moment with our child is a reflection of the past and a foundation for the future.

It’s the dynamic that arises from insisting on our paren- tal agenda that creates the need for discipline.

When it comes to accepting ourselves as imperfect, we set the tone for our children. The degree to which they accept their imperfections tends to be the degree to which we accept and honor our own.

To be present for our children means to be aware of our own subconscious agenda so we don’t impose this on our children.

If a parent puts out the kind of vibes that welcome feel- ings, even when the feelings are difficult to tolerate, the child picks up on this, eventually learning how to manage their feelings in a healthy manner.

There are all kinds of ways we can help our children cope with their world. Creativity is what’s needed, not admonish- ment or discipline.

Our children didn’t come into the world to be our puppets. They came here to struggle, fumble, thrive, and enjoy—a journey for which they need our encouragement.

From the Inside Flap


Where did the belief come from that we need to discipline our children if they are to grow up into individuals who are well adjusted and who make something of their lives?
Out of Control reveals how the very discipline we impose to control behavior is in reality a major cause of bad behavior, disrespect for adults, and dysfunction such as bullying, hostility toward family and society, drugs, alcoholism, and teen suicide.
Dr Tsabary asserts that to parent effectively requires us to develop a deep connection with our children, so that we address the feelings that drive a child's behavior instead of punishing. "When we tackle the reason for the behavior," says Dr Tsabary, "it automatically changes."
Far from a laissez-faire, "anything goes" approach, Dr Tsabary advocates for a high level of parental resolve that majors not in control, but in helping a child develop a sense of personal responsibility.
Authentic connection, in which children can be real with their parents, leads to a home in which self-discipline prevails-- both for the child and the parent.
The need to "impose our will" on our children evaporates, leading to respect, ownership of one's life, and a strong character marked by a resilience that flows naturally from within.

Product details

  • Item Weight : 13.6 ounces
  • Paperback : 225 pages
  • ISBN-10 : 1897238762
  • ISBN-13 : 978-1897238769
  • Dimensions : 5.9 x 0.8 x 8.9 inches
  • Publisher : Namaste Publishing; 1st edition (December 24, 2013)
  • Language: : English
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 out of 5 stars 289 ratings

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4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
289 global ratings
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Fouziah
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant Book!!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 27, 2018
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Christine White
5.0 out of 5 stars Good read
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 28, 2019
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Shaz
4.0 out of 5 stars Great parenting book for those seeking to break the shouting/discipline/control cycle.
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editux693
5.0 out of 5 stars very easy to read and to understand
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Lotusgav
2.0 out of 5 stars lots of talk ... 2 1/2 stars
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