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Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) Hardcover – April 19, 2006
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About the Author
JIM FAY has thirty-one years on experience as an educator ans school principal. He is recognized as one of America's top educational consultants ans has won many awards in the educational field. He successfully guided his three children through their childhood and teen years using love and logic.
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Top Customer Reviews
I feel like many of the negative reviews didn't thoroughly read the parts they are concerned with, or misconstrued the examples. The authors lay out general parenting principles, and then offer examples of how to implement these principles. These are EXAMPLES, people! You can certainly implement them in different manners than the authors suggest, based on your own child and what you feel is right as a parent. The authors state that the parent should only offer two choices that the parent is comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable with a certain choice (such as giving away a pet), then don't make that one of the choices you are offering, duh! The pet example seems to have many people up-in-arms, yet in this example, the parent did NOT permanently give away the pet as people state, they temporarily gave the dog to a family friend, telling the child they had 3 days to decide if the pet could come back home. Also, they did not starve the pet as everyone seems to think, they did let the child know they were abusing the pet by not feeding it. It certainly doesn't say the parent didn't or shouldn't feed the pet (without telling the child). No one is that heartless, and it doesn't serve a purpose. Also, the authors frequently list out precautions with their advice, since some individuals may misuse these techniques (as can happen with any parenting technique). They also have a section where they discuss how certain principles have been misconstructed, misprepresented and taken out of context. I feel like those who were concerned simply didn't read those additional words of wisdom. An example is that the authors discuss how the "uh oh" song is for when a child is misbehaving for the sake of misbehaving -- NOT because of a NEED. They emphasize that a need (vs a want) must be met, and I think some parents were too quick to use the "uh oh" song rather than meeting a need of the child. Also, I saw not even the slightest hint of any "attachment theory" in this book -- I hadn't even heard of this until I read some of the reviews. Now that I know what they were referring to, I can tell you there is none of this in the book.
Another amazing book that I highly recommend is "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" by Danny Silk. It is quite compatible with the Love and Logic principles, but emphasizes the importance of building a relationship with our children.
These ideas serve us, not just in parenting or in other relationships with kids, but in all relationships. The two key ideas are: (1) As much as possible, allow kids to take responsibility for their own choices, and then let the good or bad consequences be the teachers, so you don't have to be the bad guy. (2) When painful consequences result from a poor choice, show genuine empathy for the child's pain ("I'm so sorry that happened. I'll bet that was really disappointing"), so you come across as a compassionate ally, not an enemy.
Of course, we parents can't leave all decisions to our children. That's why the love and logic system guides us to follow a V-shaped pattern over time, assuming more control over decisions early in the child's life, and gradually handing more and more control over to the child, as he/she is capable of learning from decisions. The opposite is the A-shaped pattern, giving the child free-rein from infancy, recognizing too late that he/she has become spoiled, and then trying to take too much control later in the teen years. That's a setup for serious rebellion (not always avoidable in any situation). (I may have gotten the A and the V reversed, with the width representing the amount of control you give the child. But you get the idea.)
The book has a ton more. The front half (100 pp) teaches the concepts. The back more-than-half is dozens of chapters applying the principles to all kinds of parenting life situations. The franchise has cranked out many other excellent books, showing how the principles apply specifically to teens, for example. I attended a lecture once by Charles Faye about using love and logic with ADHD kids, and it was excellent.
As I said, the wise will also see how to implement the same ideas in all kinds of relationships--in all family relationships (even marriage), in all work and professional relationships, with friends and neighbors, even with enemies (who are often simply thinking and feeling like children). The book is worth anything you pay for it. If you use it.
Now my youngest is 6 so I needed to read it again. Absolutely a must! You will stop fighting with your kids (it takes some practice and re-reading the examples) and have a more harmonious home