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When London schoolteacher George Nearly wakes up one Sunday morning to find a dishevelled young woman sprawled on his living-room rug, claiming to be a princess, his plans for a peaceful day at home recovering from his 39th birthday party disappear faster than a French monarch's head during a revolution. And when the feisty royal accuses George of kidnapping her, his very ordinary life is turned completely upside down, as the party princess takes root in his apartment, causes royal waves among his friends and family, and demands to go walkabout on the streets of London. It’s blue-blooded British comedy by unofficial royal appointment in this hilarious, and often surreal, regal romp that’s guaranteed to raise a laugh from Balmoral to Buckingham Palace!
The first novel in the Royally Funny Books series
This very British comedy novel is the first in a series starring reluctant hero George Nearly, Princess Araminta of Essex (‘Minty’ to her friends), and a host of other quirky characters who will tickle funny bones, exercise chuckle muscles and stretch rib cages to breaking point. Royals and commoners collide in these uniquely English adventures that lovers of comedy fiction around the former British Empire and beyond will enjoy.
So, if you’re in need of a strong dose of British humour, An Accidental Royal Kidnap is just what the royal physician ordered. Please read twice a day after your lady-in-waiting or butler has delivered your lunch and dinner on a silver platter. Finally, if Her Majesty the Queen is reading this, we guarantee that you will be amused, ma’am!
Untimely death is part of everyday life in the quirky English village of Upper Goosing – European Murder Destination of the Year 2015. And when Lady Peculiar’s butler – a part-time comedian – is found drowned in his own mango chutney, Detective Inspector Clinton Trump comes blundering onto the scene – ready to shun logic, breach protocol and trust in his own gut instincts. What will South East England’s greatest detective uncover? Is her ladyship a murderess? Was the killer a comedy rival? Or are darker forces at work in this particular corner of Brokenshire? Join our self-proclaimed British detective genius, as he races against time to solve this very funny murder mystery – so he can play golf at the weekend!
The first novel in the ‘Clinton Trump Detective Genius’ series
This riotous English detective spoof is murderously good fun from first page to last, as Inspector Trump and his unwanted sidekick, Constable Dinkel, encounter a procession of crazy comedy characters in the Great British countryside. Stuffed solid with British humour (or ‘humor’, if you’re one of the many American tourists who visit Upper Goosing), its mix of black comedy, British farce, funny one-liners and downright silliness is guaranteed to generate tremendous titters across the very civilised world.
More amateur sleuth than professional investigator, Clinton Trump will bring a smile to your face like no other Trump has before, or probably ever will. So, jump aboard the Trump detection train, blow your Clinton trumpet and join the movement – Make Murder-Mystery Great Again!
A Word from Detective Inspector Clinton Trump:
“Greetings from Upper Goosing – the murder capital of Europe. You’ll find the scenery, tea rooms and cake shops are well worth the risk of a premature, grisly death. But before purchasing this novel, please note that it only employs British English, as spoken by Her Majesty the Queen. I don’t want anyone griping about me saying ‘per cent’ instead of ‘percent’, ‘metre’ instead of ‘meter’ or ‘tea’ instead of ‘coffee’. If you must grumble, please do as the English do and complain only to yourself. And if you’re planning on enjoying a cup of Earl Grey with this quality e-book, please remember: it’s tea first, milk second. Finally, don’t be afraid to laugh thunderously when reading this novel. Just don’t laugh yourself to death – we have enough fatalities around here as it is. Thank you.”
London, 2046. The movie industry is coming to town for the launch of the FAB movie awards. But when British president and former actor Zayn Winner loses a screenplay he’s written that parodies fellow world leaders, all Hollywood hell breaks loose. That's the cue for long-suffering presidential spokesman Howie Pond to be handed a leading role in the hunt for the missing script.
To add to the movie mayhem, British intelligence identifies a possible plot to sabotage the FABs ceremony at Buckingham Palace. Howie's secret-agent wife, Britt, is tasked with identifying the plotters and averting a real-life Hollywood disaster.
Along the way, Howie and Britt encounter actors, actresses, movie moguls and more, as they’re both sucked into a story that sees them – and the people around them – lose the plot on more than one occasion.
Will the screenplay be found before Britain is embarrassed on the international stage? Can the plotters be unmasked before the dramatic denouement? Find out, in this latest crazy, comedy adventure from British drama king Paul Mathews!
London, 2044. The St James’ Park pelicans have vanished – a day before Britain's rookie celebrity president unveils the Republic's new pelican flag. Meanwhile, British intelligence uncovers a possible anti-Government plot. Who are the bird-nappers? And what evil geniuses lurk behind the secret messages? Britain’s hungriest secret agent, Howie Pond – licence to lunch – reluctantly agrees to try and find out.
Howie’s newshound fiancée, Britt, has a secret mission of her own – to identify the mysterious owner of Windsor Castle. That means calling on the help of her straight-talking American alter ego – the appropriately named Pellie Cann.
And to add to the chaos, our leading lovebirds are supposed to be getting married tomorrow...
Triple Amazon US #1 Best Seller in British Humor & Satire, Dark Comedy and Political Humor
We Have Lost The Pelicans is a very funny novel packed with dry British humour, quirky characters, subtle satire, exciting action, and a double mystery that will keep you guessing. Experience the sights, sounds and secrets of 2040s London in this great British comedy-thriller!
What The Reviews Say:
"Fabulous book for all the people who enjoy thrilling stories and loads of comedy."
"Highly entertaining and fast-paced read for futuristic mystery lovers...charged with a ribald dry sense of humor."
"Do yourself a favor and purchase a copy for a refreshing, enjoyable read on your commute! It will brighten your day and leave you smiling."
"Anyone who enjoys a nice feel good book will love We Have Lost The Pelicans. It's funny and quirky. I love the characters but especially Howie."
"You know how sometimes you love a book so much that you can't stop reading, then when you finish, you are mad at yourself for reading it too fast? That's how Paul Mathews' books are. The characters from his first book return and quickly find themselves in non-stop madness. I was trying so hard not to break out in giggles, the gentleman next to me on a plane asked if I was OK. That's the sign of a great book."
London, 2046. The British Republic has a new First Lady. She’s Californian, ‘in-your-face, for sure’ and she’s got big plans for a Buckingham Palace refurb. When her three Chihuahuas go missing, one man is determined to avoid getting dragged into it all. His name is Pond. Howie Pond – presidential spokesperson, retired secret agent and cat lover.
Meanwhile, Howie’s wife Britt is handed her first assignment as a National Security and Intelligence Service rookie – to solve the mystery of the missing canine trio.
Will Howie manage to slope off to the pub before he can be roped into help? Will Britt unmask the dognapper and grab the glory? Find out, in this crazy canine comedy from barking-mad British author Paul Mathews.
Triple Amazon #1 Best Seller in British Humor & Satire, Dark Comedy and Political Humor
We Have Lost The Chihuahuas is non-stop comedy chaos, as Howie and Britt Pond battle it out in a dog-eat-dog struggle for Chihuahua-finding supremacy. With a supporting cast of quirky two- & four-legged characters, this comedy tale wags from start to finish with great humour, fun characters and doggy drama.
If you're pining for great British humour, you're barking up the right tree. So, sit, stay ... and read!
What The Reviews Say:
"What's not to love about this book?! It ticks all the boxes for me - it's laugh out loud funny."
"I loved this story. It kept me entertained & amused all the way through."
"While reading the book I feel as if I am a smiling Cheshire Cat with a silly grin from ear to ear, such is my enjoyment."
"Hilarious! This author is the closest I've come to finding an author to actually make me laugh out loud!"
"Looking for some fun social commentary? This will give you several good chuckles while you contemplate the danger of small dogs."
London, 2044. Britain is a Republic. President Jan Polak has vanished overnight from Buckingham Palace, just weeks before an election. Has he been kidnapped? Killed? Or just overdone it with the vodka? One man is determined to find out - as soon as he's eaten his breakfast. His name is Pond. Howie Pond – the President’s official spokesperson and wannabe secret agent.
With only a love of James Bond films and London pubs to guide him, Howie sets out on a mission to solve the missing-President mystery, while consuming at least three meals a day. But with his journalist girlfriend, Britt, soon onto the story, the race is on to see who gets to the truth first..!
Amazon #1 Best Seller in British Humor & Satire, Comedy, Dark Comedy and Political Humor
This debut comedy-thriller novel from English author Paul Mathews is packed with sharp British humor, crazy characters, dynamic dialogue and a mystery that will keep you guessing from beginning to end. You'll be transported to a low-tech, high-comedy, post-revolution Britain where the royals aren't welcome and Buckingham Palace is now the centre of government. As well as painting an intriguing vision of the future, the story also casts an eye to the present – mixing satire with traditional British comedy around the trials, tribulations and absurdities of everyday life.
What The Reviews Say:
"If you like British humor and still love a good suspense story, that's the book you are looking for. I'd say it has a very 'Douglas Adams meets John Grisham in a pub' kind of plot."
"So much fun! I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It is well written, laugh out loud funny, and keeps you wanting more."
"Fantastic read! Two stories run parallel with each other until the final chapters. Great how the paths of the two characters intertwine. Part of a series so can't wait for the next one."
"We Have Lost the President is an hilarious, un-put-downable book that is guaranteed to have you gripped and laughing!"
"A brilliant, witty, debut novel from Paul Mathews...it's a great read and Paul's witty take on a future Britain will have you in stitches."
London, 2045. Three months into the Coffee Wars and Britain’s caffeine supplies are at critical levels. Brits are drinking even more tea than usual, keeping a stiff upper lip and praying for an end to it all.
A secret Government coffee stockpile could save the day … but then mysteriously disappears overnight.
One man is asked to unravel the missing-coffee mystery. His name is Pond. Howie Pond. And he’s in desperate need of a triple espresso. Meanwhile, his journalist wife, Britt, is hunting royal fugitive Emma Windsor on the streets of the capital.
Can Howie save the British Republic from caffeine-starved chaos? Will the runaway royal be found? And just what will desperate coffee drinkers do for their next caffeine fix? Find out, in this fabulously frothy comedy romp set in a Britain of the future.
Amazon #1 Best Seller in Comedy, Dark Comedy, British Humor & Satire and Political Humor
This steaming-hot comedy-thriller from coffee addict Paul Mathews contains mug-fulls of British humour, big lumps of laughter and a generous splash of satire. With enough coffee jokes to keep you awake all night, it's guaranteed to set your pulse racing faster than a quadruple espresso.
So what are you waiting for? Grab it while it's piping hot and treat yourself to a coffee comedy to go!
What The Reviews Say:
"Great fun! Fast-paced comedy and suspense with a generous serving of satire. You'll want to read the series."
"I don't even like coffee ... but this book was still terrific. I love how so many of the side characters continue to appear in these novels. Makes it feel more real ... I read it on a plane and startled my seatmate a few times when I couldn't suppress the giggles. Fast-paced and fun, with a light mystery woven into the fabric. Howie and Britt rock. I can't wait for the next one!"
"Great book! Really funny quirky English humor! I am starting on the first book now, We Have Lost The President. But books are easily read independently."
"A real kick ... And a fun read."
"I have read all three of the 'We Have Lost the ...' books, and they started out good and are getting better ... The characters are 3-dimensional, well developed, likable and consistent throughout. The story lines are fun, and the humor will make you laugh out loud at times. Thank you, Mr. Mathews."
When celebrity astronomer Edwin Bubble is found battered to death by his own telescope, the morning after a ‘Blood Moon’ lunar eclipse, Detective Inspector Clinton Trump crashes onto the scene like a megaton meteorite who’s late for a date with a small, blue-green planet at the edge of a spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy.
With Edwin tipped to win a trip to space in the ‘Celebrity Come Mooning’ reality TV series – and a return trip, budget permitting – South East England’s greatest detective makes it his mission to figure out which lunatic launched Edwin Bubble to the heavens a little earlier than anticipated.
Could the murderer be Edwin’s estranged son, Tycho? Is the killer a fellow celeb who wants Edwin out of the way? Or are they a schoolmate still seething over schoolboy pranks in the days before travelling to Mars was a cool idea?
Find out, in this riotous, space-themed, English murder-mystery comedy that will have you chuckling, chortling and contemplating life, the universe ... and everything!
The second novel in the ‘Clinton Trump Detective Genius’ series
It’s spring time in the charming English village of Upper Goosing – European Murder Destination of the Year 2015 – and Inspector Trump is still doing what he does best: breakfasting, lunching and dining like a king; playing lots of golf; and, occasionally, solving the odd murder or two.
This astro-themed adventure sees the return of Clinton’s unwanted sidekick, Constable Troy Dinkel, and his long-suffering boss, Superintendent Euan Block. Once again, they form a loose-knit crime-fighting team that is very much less than the sum of its parts. Plus, there’s a host of new astronomical, and non-astronomical, characters, including Clinton’s mother Dorothea, who’s invited herself round to keep a close eye on his movements – particularly when it comes to luncheons with ladies.
The space-themed comedy is, quite literally, out of this world as you encounter sharp English wit, black comedy, modern-day farce, satire, one-liners and a healthy dollop of comedy surrealism.
So, dust off your telescope, dig out your star maps, fasten your space belts and launch yourself on the comedy journey of a lifetime that will take you to the Moon and back – budget permitting!
A Word from Detective Inspector Clinton Trump:
“Greetings, lovers of British humour – and please note, we British spell ‘humour’ with a ‘u’ and we get very upset if anyone starts removing it. Genius is a gift that should be shared. Therefore, I’m reserving a miniscule portion of mine just for you in this tremendous new tale which focuses, as it should, on myself, with a supporting cast of much-less-important characters who orbit me like minor planets around a colossal star. These people include my mother, who’s orbiting a little too closely for comfort at present and playing havoc with my bathing schedule.
“Anyway, it’s always tragic when a human life is taken, but it’s par for the course in Upper Goosing, so we aren’t squeamish about these things. People around here are more worried about the length of the post-office queue than their next-door neighbour being battered to death with a stale baguette or strangled with their own hair extensions. And that’s how it should be. Death is simply another stop in our journey through the universe and, much more importantly, an excellent excuse for someone to write a very funny novel such as this one. Anyway, lest I be accused of waffling, I shall leave you with this thought: ‘I am brilliant.
When Upper Goosing’s premier poet, Percy Bishe, expires after scoffing a jumbo cream horn in the Tourist Trap café, foul puff-pastry play is immediately suspected. However, there’s a not-so-sweet surprise in store for Detective Inspector Clinton Trump, when his newly promoted deputy, Sergeant Dinkel, is handed the case and Clinton is left on the side-lines like a piece of stale shortbread. Will our detective genius manage to muscle his way into the investigation? Is Sergeant Dinkel up to the task of tracking down the bard’s killer? And will the murderer get his just deserts? Find out, in this final, lip-smacking Clinton Trump Detective Genius adventure!
The third and final novel in the ‘Clinton Trump Detective Genius’ series
All tremendous trilogies must come to end and Clinton Trump signs off in style in this crazy literary-themed murder-mystery farce that lovers of great comedy and bad poetry will love more than Shakespeare loved a good rhyming couplet. Set in the autumn of 2019, when the murderers of Upper Goosing weren’t under lockdown and were still able to venture outside without wearing face masks, this is almost certainly the most chaotic, and funniest, detective story you have ever downloaded to your kindle. To buy or not to buy? What a silly question!
A Word from Detective Inspector Clinton Trump:
“Greetings, quality literature lovers. It’s been more than a year between my second and third adventures but I hope you’ll agree it’s worth the wait. You’ll encounter a lot of familiar characters in “To Kill A Shocking Bard” plus one or two new individuals – not all of whom are killed off in the first few chapters. And for your information, I am now dating. I know this will come as a shock to many of you but the charms of Brokenshire’s top criminologist Josephine Savage proved too much for this confirmed bachelor and we are now stepping out together. I’m informed that a lot of single ladies read my books and many may be upset by this news. But please remember, ladies, that there is someone out there for everyone. And, if you’re really lucky, they won’t have been murdered yet. Anyway, stay safe and keep writing those letters to Her Majesty recommending I be given a knighthood. It can’t be long now."