I read Judith Warner's column in the New York Times for years and was sad when it ended. I liked her sharp intelligence. But I was still amazed by how good this book is. It says the unsayable: that women--especially mothers--are still oppressed, despite decades of lip service to feminism.
Despite all our "choices," most of us have very little choice at all and little control over our lives.
It has to be said that this book is mainly about married, educated, middle-class women in the D.C. area who are privileged in comparison with working class and poor women, especially poor women in the rural South where I live. Warner interviewed women like herself, suburban married women with young children, and her findings reflect that. These women don't fear homelessness or absolute poverty, and their struggles are less desperate than those of poor women. But I think her findings are relevant to American women generally, in kind if not in degree.
Her main conclusion is that because Americans are so hostile toward any sort of "government" programs that help families, American families struggle alone to raise their children and to work, in a time of declining wages and job loss. (This book was written in about 2006, and things have only gotten worse in terms of inequality and its fallout for middle class people.) This lonely struggle, in a hyper-competitive economy, is enormously draining and stressful for a lot of parents and kids. Some of her interviewees seem quite unhappy. I have met parents who are equally stressed and unhappy. Parents seem to have little leisure and little time to spend just with each other, or with friends of their own age.
Warner has some unique insights into how American feminism has evolved into something approaching obsessive-compulsive disorder: American women, having lost faith in their political power to actually change society as a whole, have retreated into a perfectionist effort to control their own bodies and micromanage their households and their children's lives. This is supposed to be some sort of consolation for the lack of real social progress such as affordable, high-quality day care, paid parental leave, and vacation time. Warner points out that such seemingly out of reach perks are taken for granted by Europeans. But our polarized political climate makes anything that supports a mother's desire to work even part-time into a huge conflict between feminists and the Religious Right, which sees such common-sense policies as attacks on the traditional family, not to mention as an expansion of the dreaded government. The result is that the normal and healthy desire to support one's children and also to spend time with them becomes impossible to achieve for most American women. And men.
My one caveat with this book is that Warner seems to dismiss attachment theory without really saying why, other than that it creates too much work for mothers. But if the claims of attachment theory are true, then it is very important that every child have consistent and good quality care, especially very young infants and toddlers. It may be inconvenient that this is true, but it is not intellectually honest to dismiss inconvenient truths just because they create extra work. To me the claim that babies are wired for attachment to a primary caregiver makes sense. And usually that person is their mother. This is not to say that others--alloparents, as Sara Blaffer Hrdy terms them--are not essential parts of the "village" that it takes to raise a child: grandmothers, aunts, older children, fathers and even unrelated people. Theoretically, a day care worker could be a primary attachment "object" for a baby, but not at the rate of turn-over that most American day care centers have. Day care workers are some of the most underpaid people in America. We can't "fix" the child care problem without subsidizing day care and paying those people more, so that they can be stable, consistent, well-trained alloparents.
This book made me sad. My child is a grown man now and may soon have children of his own. American parents deserve more support and respect for the necessary work that they do.
But it also made me feel more compassionate toward myself and my own efforts to negotiate the treacherous path between motherhood and work. I was not a terribly ambitious person work-wise, but I did things that I thought were important to do and that gave me satisfaction and pleasure. I was a very good mother, and I'm glad I put the time in to do it right, while preserving some of my self FOR my self. I did not ever completely lose myself in being a mother, as some of Warner's interviewees have. My relationships with men were often full of conflict, as Warner describes, over child care and household tasks. But I never settled for a dull and tense cease-fire between the sexes, as she says many parents do now. I kept struggling for more fairness, more justice. I didn't always get it, but I'm proud that I didn't give up on it.
Women of America, don't give up. You are important. Being a good mother is important and this work deserves the support of your country.
Add Prime
to get Fast, Free delivery
Download the free Kindle app and start reading Kindle books instantly on your smartphone, tablet, or computer - no Kindle device required.
Read instantly on your browser with Kindle for Web.
Using your mobile phone camera - scan the code below and download the Kindle app.
Book recommendations, author interviews, editors' picks, and more. Read it now
Customers who viewed this item also viewed
Page 1 of 1 Start overPage 1 of 1
About the author
Top reviews from the United States
There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later.
- Reviewed in the United States on February 22, 2015
- Reviewed in the United States on October 2, 2013
