I own pretty much all the positive discipline books from Jane Nelsen, but have read many other philosophies. She has a very solid head on her shoulders and gives well grounded and healthy advice. It feels much more natural and sensible than love and logic (which I believe is more geared towards older kids 8-16yo).
This philosophy has simple rules but they take a lot of practice and conscious effort to implement. Instead of saying "no" all the time, try to tell them what they should be doing. Using positive timeouts where you and your child take a timeout together in a peaceful and different area to reflect together on right and wrong and reaffirm love for each other. Encourage independence, encourage problem solving, encourage resolution of conflicts. Embrace emotions both good and bad and identify them verbally so they can learn emotional intelligence early, thus allowing negative emotions to be understood, expressed, and managed in healthy ways instead of with more crude ways like bottling them up or releasing them violently. Listening to your kids and respecting them so they listen to you. Modeling behavior instead of dictating it.
All this is positive. All this is healthy. Successful implementation is a total pain the butt I must admit. It is a lot slower than negative reinforcement strategies. If you beat your kid and make them feel real pain or real fear. They will never forget and learn immediately. But they also no longer think for themselves. It becomes not about doing what is right, but more just avoiding pain and fearful things. If no one is watching will they still do what is right? Positive reinforcement strategies aren't successful immediately and sometimes you have to repeat it multiple times with many failures until they finally get it. But when they get it, they learn it for life and embrace the lesson as their own.
I find Jane a bit idealistic at times saying reward systems may result in behavior change not for the right reasons long term. Limits need to be set and punishments need to be considered. I try my best to avoid vengeful punishments like going back on my promise or withholding fun and meaningful activities. I prefer toy timeouts for a brief period, I also prefer delays in fun/meaningful activities. Yet threatening a punishment always turns my stomach as I feel kids don't learn why something is right, they just learn doing right will avoid something bad. I prefer to refer to role models like their favorite characters, myself, teachers, other good examples and ask how they would handle a similar situation.
In the end I don't think anyone can truly mimic entirely Jane's dream of positive discipline but each of us can try our best to approximate it. This kind of philosophy focuses on long term gains instead of short term gains. It may not always work in the short term, but be patient and realize it makes for a much healthier kid long term. I cannot recommend enough that all parents and soon-to-be parents should read this book (especially the first few chapters which explains the basics of positive discipline).
Also note that babycenter.com is in my mind the best website for child development and guidance. They deliver advice in short tidbits weekly and always seem very spot on with problems and issues you may be facing at the age of your child. It also is very clear to me they embrace almost entirely Jane's positive discipline view and use it in solving the many problems you face with your kids.
Read this. It is worth your time.
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Delivered damaged but the content is still invaluable
This book is great. It is disappointing that it arrived with a tear in the cover, but that doesn’t change the value of the content. We have found useful insights in every chapter and the examples help show how the theory fits with reality. The writing is easy to understand, it isn’t preachy like some books and it isn’t prescriptive either. I expect we will refer to this again and again over the next few years.
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