If you are a member of an adoptive triad (birthmother, adoptee, adoptive parent), read far enough into the book to learn the nature of the problem, and then throw the first half of the book away.
The book is about the wound caused to the baby by being separated from his biological mother through adoption. It is rather superficial on the forces that bond, so I will elaborate a bit. Unborn babies are sapient creatures, and they begin to manifest this sapience very early in pregnancy. As soon as the baby can hear (and we really don't know how early that is, just that it's early), he will begin to learn his mother's voice, and the voices of the people the mother lives with to a lesser extent. Hormonal messages between mother and child start during the first hours of life. The baby sends stem cells into the mother's blood stream throughout pregnancy. Mother and baby consciously interact as soon as the mother can feel the baby's movement. At birth, the baby will recognize his mother's scent, and he is already accustomed, through uterine feeding, to the cultural cuisine of the mother, whose breast milk will also convey this cuisine. It goes without saying that being as vulnerable as a newborn is (or a slightly older child), adoption is going to result in emotional and spiritual trauma when that bond is broken.
Be careful. While this book shows clearly that the baby is a sapient human being (and thus worthy of protection for his life), this book can easily be used to argue that adoption is so inhumane, it's better to slice the baby's body apart with a sharp knife, even with all the agony that causes. Don't let people use this book as an argument for abortion. At the very end, she talks about abortion a little bit. Her writing is fairly reasoned, although lurking in the background and almost mentioned is the fact that abortion should be unthinkable because if we realize that babies learn to know their mothers in the womb, they've been human from the beginning, not to mention the fact that mothers also suffer a primal wound from any separation from their babies, and abortion certainly causes such a deep wound. The writer appears to want to straddle the fence on the political questions attached to the abortion issue. I can understand why, but in light of what she reveals, it really makes no sense. Even if the baby is no longer alive and able to suffer the separation, the mother does, and it is often very severe.
The book spends most of its time in the first half talking about all the dysfunctional ways people can react to the severing of this bond. It seems to classify people into two categories: those who act out (maybe even trying to precipitate a second rejection on the part of adoptive parents so at least the next trauma occurs on his own terms), and those who become withdrawn.She never entertains the notion that children sometimes act out to see if the new bond is secure (not having an expectation it isn't or that they plan to break it) or to ask for more precise boundaries, which give the child security. The bulk of the first half was taken up with one short description after another of how sample adoptees reacted in a dysfunctional way. It was like, OK, so here is one scenario. That one doesn't fit you? Try THIS one. On and on and on. Page after page after page. Lots of repetition. After awhile, the whole milieu became so thick you could cut it with a knife. The adoptee is doomed to have dysfunctional behavior, and there is nothing he can do about it. He's stuck with it. At this point, I wanted to throw the book into the fireplace. Whatever you do, if you are an adoptee, don't let this section give you ideas! Please keep in mind that psychology studies dysfunctional people, and rarely studies normal people who have a healthy outlook and healthy emotions. The result is that the conclusions reached are badly skewed. Such is the case with the few pages spent talking about how adoptees and their bio families will be attracted to each other sexually. This is pure Freud, and it's been bunk from the very beginning. There will always be people who are attracted sexually to the wrong people, but that doesn't make it even terribly common in this particular situation.
Psychiatry and psychology are like that. Endless talk, going around in circles. Endless talk. Word spinning. Lots of theories. Keep in mind that psychology thinks that your adult life and behavior are determined by the traumas of childhood, and you're stuck with them. I have never seen any writer suggest that as willful actors, we can change what we do, and find a functional answer for any curveball life has thrown us. I did it, and so can you.
Eventually, she does get around to giving some typical psychological answers to the problem. Some suggestions she never mentions:
1. baptize your child as soon as possible. The Holy Spirit will teach the child that he is part of God's family. He loves His children intensely, infinitely, and everlastingly. That bond will never be broken. Raise the child with a sense of God's love. Be involved in corporate worship if you can.
2. try to adopt at least two with a similar background
3. if adopting an infant, try to breastfeed. La Leche League can teach you how.
4. resolve your feelings about infertility if it is an issue
5. if you can, homeschool.
6. make sure the child understands the limits and they are enforced in a loving way. Don't discipline while you are angry; calm down first. This provides security and a sense of real love. Her section on limits is actually reasonably well thought out.
Separation is a fact of life. Children in broken homes experience it, usually frequently. A parent experiences a "primal wound" whenever a child leaves home to start life as an adult. Children experience a "primal wound" when they are sent off to school. As a mother, I did, too. Teachers would get to see the joy of learning, not me. Most of us think nothing of this, by the way, which I think is dead wrong. The fact that so many schools deliberately undermine parental teaching only creates a conflict that many children simply cannot resolve. I have suffered many such "primal wounds", and they HURT. Where's OUR book? :) You may say that the Primal Wound is far worse. How do you know? You can't quantify pain. To be fair, the book hints at such wounds, but never validates them.
Remember also, most adoptees here are privileged. They have the opportunity to look for their birth family if they so desire, and most will probably succeed (but they may be disappointed to learn they don't have much in common with their birth family). When a child is torn from his parents by war or natural disaster, there may be no way of ever tracing the child's roots at all. And I think of these people, too, with sorrow in my heart.
Hey, I am sympathetic to the situation of the adoptee. But knowing your roots and being subjected to any kind of abuse, as so many are, is not the answer, either.
One more thing: the book mentions using hypnotism for purposes of regression. Don't even go there. Hypnotism can leave a person open to both false memories, and oppression by spirits that are bent on your destruction (yes, they're real). These can plant the false memories, and there are plenty that can be planted. Even if the hypnotism is done by a medical professional, don't do it. Many of the things that people believe about hypnotism ARE false, but there are plenty of hidden dangers no one talks about. So leave it alone. It will do nothing to contribute to healing anyway.
And keep in mind that many people subject themselves to intense therapy. Mission accomplished! Psychologists make lots of money off your misery. It's not REALLY in their best interests to help you find a solution and develop a normal emotional and spiritual life. They lose a customer. Find someone who understands biblical counseling who can do so with kindness and love (none of this heaping guilt trips on people, just take them where they are, show them the love of God, and go from there.) They won't be easy to find, but there are a few such people out there. Remember, we are ALL separated from God until we re-unite with Him through acceptance of Jesus' sacrifice for us. And that separation from God is the foundation of all separation trauma. All of it, including the Primal Wound.
One more thing: let us as a society honor the courage of birthmothers. Choosing adoption is an extremely difficult thing to do, and they deserve it.
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This book was a revelation for me. More people, whether members or not of the adoption community, need to understand the research that Verrier has compiled for years on this topic. Everyone has an opinion that may not be every well informed. Reading this book is eye opening to say the least!
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Top reviews from other countries
Amazon Customer
Should have read this years ago!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 13, 2023
Her ladyship
WHEN ONE BECOMES TWO
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 17, 2011Brian Milnes
Difficult subject handled with empathy and understanding
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 2, 2013Chilli Pepper
Take time to read this and decide for yourself
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 2, 2010
