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How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children Paperback – July 24, 2000
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About the Author
Lewis Burkes Frumkes is a writer/humorist/teacher/broadcaster. In addition to the many books he's written his writing has appeared in many venues, including Harper's, Punch and the New York Times. He has taught Humanities at Marymount Manhattan College and Harvard University. He lives in New York City.
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Initially I was skeptical, as I have read that children, especially gifted children, are very low on fiber and other vital nutrients. Plus, they don't have a whole lot of meat to roast, which can kind of make you feel wasteful. My friend assured me that the book would address all of my questions, and that the method worked extremely well. Anxious to discover if devouring intelligent children would boost my I.Q., I eagerly tore into the book and read it in one night. All I can say is: WOW! It absolutely blew me away with all of the incredible recipes and tips for cooking and eating smart kids. It is written in a very easy-to-read, easy-to-understand manner that is readily accessible to all. It even has full color diagrams that illustrate the best ways to dismember and cook the children in order to achieve the best results. Even if this book didn't have practical applications, I would have given it 5 stars just for the quality of the writing and pictures.
But this book is intended to be used practically, and it would be all for nought if it didn't work like it said it would. The book explains that eating children with special talents will also make your talents increase in that area. For example, the consumption of a math whiz would improve your higher mathematics skills, frying a kid in drumline would improve your musical abilities, etc. Naturally, this factored into my choice of which child I would spit-roast to obtain a higher I.Q. Luckily, this wasn't too hard. Leroy, the 5th grader who lives down the street, got straight A's, won the science fair every year, and had built his own computer and hacked into the DOD database. On top of that, he was extremely obese and annoying as hell, so obviously this was an easy choice. A week ago, I offered to help him with his latest science project and he gladly accepted. He came over for the evening and I wasted no time in getting started.
The book states that the best way to devour a chunky kid is to kill him with a single gunshot wound, and to spit roast him for maximum results. Everything was all ready to go the second he walked in the door, so I delivered an instant headshot and secured him upon the spit roast I had set up in my living room. Since I wanted a savory meal, the slow roasting with all of my favorite exotic spices took about 10 hours. Once that was done, I put the most tender portions on my plate and poured myself a glass of wine. At first, nothing happened. For the next few hours, I felt that I had been ripped off. Frustrated at not feeling any different, I grabbed my Rubik's Cube. To my shock and amazement, I completed it in less than a minute! That's when I knew my I.Q. had increased. The next day I reapplied for the position and got hired.
In short, this is a fantastic book. I would recommend it to anyone looking to boost their I.Q. Granted, securing a child and successfully consuming him or her without arousing suspicion is a bit of a challenge, but the results are well worth it. I'm glad that someone has finally written a practical book that will allow many people to realize their dreams.
P.S. I tried one of the recipes for a meal of gifted children. It was delicious, with hints of rosemary and human flesh. But my IQ only went up by 6 points. A little disappointing.
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Seriously who would buy this book with such a fail cover?