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Real Vampires Know Size Matters Paperback – December 3, 2013
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Praise for the Real Vampires series
“Real vampires, real fun, real sexy!”—Kerrelyn Sparks, New York Times bestselling author
“Glory is Everywoman with fangs.”—Nina Bangs, USA Today bestselling author
“Fast-paced and funny entertainment…Glory is hysterical.”—Fresh Fiction
“This has to be one of the best series I have ever read. Even after seven books, Ms. Bartlett keeps the story and her characters fresh and never boring…This is a great laugh-out-loud series…Ms. Bartlett is an auto-buy.”—Night Owl Reviews
About the Author
Gerry Bartlett figures that vampires are pretty much like everyone else, except for the liquid diet. Eternity or Mexican food? Tough call. Then there’s the whole problem with sunlight. When would she treasure hunt for her antiques business on the historic Strand in Galveston? Gerry’s a native Texan and lives halfway between Houston and Galveston.
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Top customer reviews
However, this latest book, "Real Vampires Know Size Matters," is my last Gloriana St. Clair story. Here's why: nothing ever changes. It's difficult to read a story where you think the heroine is finally going to grow up and change and come to terms with herself, and then she just DOESN'T. You see, although she's lived as a vampire for four centuries, Glory is still a sweet, soft-hearted doormat. BUT (((SPOILER COMMENTS))) I literally almost quit reading within the first chapter when this powerful, supernatural creature jumps up on the counter and screams because she saw a mouse. Okay, it was several mice, but who is she, Lucy Ricardo? Then she becomes nauseated because a cat shifter eats them, girl, really? You drink blood. You've killed people, sometimes violently! Honestly!
And that's the problem. You'd think after say, a hundred years, a person would have come to terms with certain realities. She'd know her strengths, weaknesses, her value and worth. Not so with Glory. Despite FOUR hundred years of un-life, she's still ridiculously obsessed with her body type and even more ridiculously hurt by people trying to put her down for it. But I can't feel bad for her, because she makes the same shallow observations about every other woman she encounters. She notes what they're wearing, how old they look, how much weight they have to lose, or how skinny and fabulous they are.
It's become very tiresome. No matter how many men fall in lust/love with Glory (and they ALL do while constantly telling her how beautiful she is), there's still this stupid, underlying refrain that she was fat when she was turned and it's this eternal source of anguish for her. Dang. Get over it already! Move on!
In keeping with the main character's lack of development, this story turned out to closely follow the established formula of earlier plotlines, i.e., Glory tries to help someone out who's then ungrateful and mean to her, Glory is the target of some evil supernatural-type (in this case a voodoo priestess), Glory has man troubles and is jealous and insecure, Glory comes up with some goofy, haphazard plan to deal with everything, Glory spends time shopping with her friends, then someone or several someones come along to help save her and success! The end.
This time around, though, I found myself wondering if Glory was not just sweet and naive but actually slow-witted and/or otherwise mentally impaired. (((ANOTHER SPOILER-ISH COMMENT)): Because, if you were a centuries-old immortal who could fly, was strong, eternally young and beautiful, and could turn into a freaking humongous awesome dragon, would YOU be worried about little things like people not liking you? *I* wouldn't! I can't even tell you the numbers of rats' behinds I *wouldn't* give for what people thought about me and whatever I chose to do.
And I sure as hell wouldn't leap up on a chair and scream if I saw a mouse.
Is this what the author really thinks of women? We're just weak, shallow, vapid, brainless and self-absorbed ninnies who need men to sort out our problems and protect us while we shop for expensive shoes and clothes? Well, it's not cute. Not funny. Not charming.
And not a heroine I want to read anymore about.
P.S. Those sex scenes. Please. No. Just stop it. They're awful. Either say what they're doing without cute euphemisms or leave it out. Ugh.