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Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work, A Transformational Approach to Creating Magical Relationships Paperback – February 15, 2004

4.6 out of 5 stars 25 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Ariel and Shya Kane are internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders and consultants whose first book, Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work, A Book About Instantaneous Transformation® was a Best Seller. Their transformational approach allows people to discover satisfaction and increased productivity in all areas of their lives, without working on their ‘problems’. They are expert guides who, with great skill and humor, bring people through the swamp of the mind into the clarity and brilliance of the moment. Acting as Catalysts for Personal Transformation, the Kanes provide ongoing consulting and seminars for a range of clients from individuals and couples to entrepreneurs and Fortune 500 companies. For more information, including dates and locations for upcoming seminars, call 908-479-6034.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 312 pages
  • Publisher: ASK Productions (February 15, 2004)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1888043229
  • ISBN-13: 978-1888043228
  • Product Dimensions: 5.6 x 1 x 8.5 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 13.9 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (25 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,964,317 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

By A Customer on March 1, 2004
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
We have been married for almost 16 years. We have two kids, two cars, a boat, (the dog died), and a home in suburbia. We've considered our relationship to be pretty good all these years but, after reading Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work by Ariel and Shya Kane, it got even better - magic IS possible - and the book demonstrates how.

We had always believed that good relationships needed hard work to keep them alive and vital. And, there were times in the past when we worked VERY hard - on ourselves and on each other. The work always showed up as a complaint about something the other of us did or didn't do and then became a project to fix it! We were trying to fit the relationship we had into what our minds told us might be better. That strategy didn't work. It actually created more things to work on. Who wants to be fixed? So, when we saw the title of the Kanes' book, we knew we had to read it.

All we can say is: What a book!
As we read it, we found out that creating a magical relationship is really all about our day-to-day willingness to look and discover the mechanical ways we relate to one another without judging what we see. We found out we didn't have to work on or do something to fix anything. As the Kanes suggest, theirs is a transformational approach to creating magical relationships.
At first we didn't know how to just look without judging. It was a bit challenging for us to take this approach. And we realized for the first time that part of each of us really didn't want to give up the righteously being right dynamic. But, the Kanes suggested that it could be done and that we would be happy with the results if we did. We decided to go for it!
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Format: Paperback
If there is one thing this book is about, it is possibility. My eyes were opened to ideas that I never could have imagined on my own that have led to a richness and fullness in my relationship I never thought was possible. The Kanes have incredible insight into what makes relationships work and what does not and their idea that simply being aware of how you relate leads to magic in your life is absolutely true - I've experienced it.

I'm certain that without the concepts in this book, my relationship with my girlfriend would have ended many times. Just becoming aware of how I avoided intimacy (chapter: Sex and Intimacy) and how I was more interested in being right than actually listening to the woman I love has shifted everything dramatically (chapter: Surrender vs. Succumb). There were times when we thought we really didn't like each other until we looked at the subtle, and not so subtle, ways we were influenced. For us, this can include speaking to our parents, or to people whose agenda, unbeknownst to them, is to split any relationship (chapter: Relationship Splitters). Once we became aware of the effect that other people can have on us, magic happened. Please do not think that we now blame others when we have misunderstandings. On the contrary, I feel more responsible for my life and actions than I ever have before and it is supremely empowering.

Now, we have the ability to be open and honest with each other and to see our relationship with new eyes in every moment. We are not bound by the way we learned to relate (chapter: You Are Not The Story Of Your Life), but we discover how to relate every day. It is an amazing, fun and easy journey (chapter: Fun is Not a Four Letter Word). There is so much valuable information, I wish I had several more pages to write this review.

If I were single, I would want to be with someone has read this book, so whether you are in a relationship or not, I cannot recommend it highly enough.
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Format: Paperback
Working On Your Relationship Doesn't Work takes the insights of the Kanes' earlier book to a deeper level. Written in a conversational, colloquial style, this book presents the Kanes' approach to bringing a transformed life into the context of relationships. The book discusses how our lives transform when we live fully in the present, this moment of now and when we become present and appropriate in all our relationships - those with ourselves and our co-workers, as well as those with intimate or romantic partners.

The Kanes teach through anecdote rather than analysis, citing interactions among people who are practicing living in the moment and whose lives have transformed in the process. Their approach is based on non-judgmental awareness of what is in any given moment, without application of a psychological theory or social standard. We become present as we learn to perceive our own hidden agendas and mechanical behaviors that have governed how we have described ourselves for decades (e.g. "I'm too ___ to attract a good partner" or "I can never do that because of what happened to me").

Many spiritual traditions and movements urge coherents to "become present" or "live in the moment" or something similar. While the Kanes' approach to transformation can dovetail with spiritual belief and practice, it is presented in a completely secular framework, making it easily accessible for anyone, regardless of their spiritual or religious beliefs. As a Christian I find it interesting to see how much spiritual life can be lived without reference to any specific context, how transformation and living in the present are completely available in a practical way, apart from any belief system.
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