- File Size: 976 KB
- Print Length: 176 pages
- Publisher: Cedar Fort, Inc. (December 1, 2010)
- Publication Date: December 1, 2010
- Sold by: Amazon Digital Services LLC
- Language: English
- ASIN: B004ELAMT0
- Text-to-Speech: Enabled
- Word Wise: Enabled
- Lending: Enabled
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #552,410 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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|Print List Price:||$12.99|
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Respect-Me Rules Kindle Edition
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However, this book doesn't squarely place responsibility for abuse on the abuser as it should. In fact, it goes so far as to say that a partner can actually create an abuser by catering to him when he's abusive and thereby "teaching" an otherwise non-abusive person that abuse works. Oh no! I believe this sort of blame-shifting is just more abuse. Yes, it's important to have low tolerance for abusive behavior and that is all a partner has control of, but the abuser alone is responsible for the abuse he doles out.
I also don't like the authors' emphasis on "winning", and the negative interpretation of "surviving". Survivors of abuse have experienced real trauma and should be validated for that experience- I personally find empowerment in that term. "Winning" to me implies a game, or a battle, and requires a loser, and this is all the wrong focus for me.
I am also concerned about how the author differentiates verbal/emotional abuse from physical violence, as this is sometimes a fuzzy line, and you can't always predict when an abuser will become physically violent. I think it's important to call it ALL "abuse" and take appropriate steps to protect oneself depending on one's circumstances.
I'm also skeptical about the advice to try to enforce the respect-me rules while still remaining in the relationship. My experience is that abusers rarely change and are very skilled at keeping their partners trapped in a cycle of self-blame. I'm afraid this book may perpetuate that, and not encourage partners of abusers to just get out (when safe to do so), because it's nearly impossible to think clearly when constantly experiencing abuse. There's no way I could have mustered the self-esteem and conviction to enforce the respect-me rules while living with my former abuser.
All that said, I found some sound advice within the respect-me rules, for how I now relate to my ex-husband, since he is the co-parent of my children (as enabled by a broken family court system) and I cannot avoid contact with him.
Clearer books on the subject are: anything by Lundy Bancroft- if you have children with your abuser, "When Dad Hurts Mom" is a must-read. Also "the Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans is very good.
Abuse in the home is not a rare problem, it is just rarely admitted as one. - hiddenhurt.co.uk
If you have a problem, you have a choice. You can either take care of the problem now, or suffer longer and still take care of the problem later. Either way, you will take care of the problem eventually, or die from the pain. - Doug Kelley
It's all logical things, but unfortunately as a target of an abuser, you are not in a logical frame of mind. This book is full of affirmations and truths that are good to contemplate on. It has some good advice and lots of reminders even if you already know what the abuse cycle is about and you're on the road to healing. Many things are repetitious if you've read on the subject, but it is still worth the cost of the book.
Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world where respect was the norm. We don't. For many understanding, expecting, or demanding respect is a difficult concept -- that's where this book comes in. Knowledge is power -- your power -- your control of yourself!
Most recent customer reviews
Unless you like getting your daily news from the National Enquirer you should not take relationship advice from this...Read more