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About Roza Lewanowicz
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Blog postWe are a different species. Nobody can actually understand us; others can only accept we exist, that's it. But honestly, it's enough as lack of acceptance is one of the factors that kill us in the first place.
I don't know how it is to want to live. I just don't. If I had ever known, I forgot when I was five or six.
Why? What for? For this pain? For never-ending torment?
I can never predict when it will hit me. But it's easier to function being aware I'm not free fr -
Blog postIf you happened to watch the second episode of the Netflix series "Squid Game," what did you make of the decision of the people who came back to the game?
I thought: "Losers!"
...and only a couple of weeks later, I did precisely the same.
Two months ago, I got seriously sick. It was Friday, and I attended an online meeting with two colleagues when I felt I was not entirely lucid. To make the story short - for the first time in my life, I was SURE -
Blog postI have been observing this drama for some time, perhaps six or so months. I only started my research with regards to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and everything that was related to this topic interested me very much. I don't know what was first exactly: some blog posts, or maybe I was checking specific hashtags on Twitter. Nevertheless, I've learned that some people find Meghan Markle an NPD person. So, since I was regularly updated, current events didn't shock me, not as much as they shoc
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Blog postA brand new novel, now available on Amazon:
Kasia, a 33-year-old woman suffering from bipolar disorder, is leaving the psychiatric hospital. She promises herself to make an order in her unstable so far life. Also, she takes a new drug, which allows her to think about the future in slightly brighter colors. She returns to Warsaw, and after the first unpleasant events, she manages to find a job and kind people who offer her a helping hand. However, despite these hopes and improving well-bein -
Blog postDependency mode I wrote about stands on a stabile ground of conviction that whatever I do or say must be assessed by someone else. It's only some other people who can give us the right to undertake certain actions, and, what is worse, to live in general. We seldom ask the question who gave this right to them and rarely asked us why we gave it away. But these are the fundamental issues of ours.
It is a matter of mindset - we are led by some thoughts that impact our bodies, emotions, a -
Blog postNarcs lie for one particular reason - to create the reality in which all the deeds of theirs are justified.
They don't know one thing, though. They are not able to comprehend their faults and sins because of pain that devours them from inside as if admitting they did something wrong might cause even more hurt. Of course, that's not the truth.
I am far from defending people with NPD, for most of them are who they became as adults due to their own choices (or lack of choices). Bu -
Blog postWhy do the narcs need followers? They don't exist without fans around them; they crave the limelight as other humans need oxygen.
The mechanism is simple - people who don't have a conscience still need someone who'd back their actions. People who hate themselves seek 'love' somewhere else. The last thing you can tell about narcs is that they are independent persons. And don't be fooled by how they ghost or discard others - finding new followers (better looking, wealthier ones) is easy as a -
Blog postYou may have a narcissistic wound, yet you don't have to become a narc. But if you won't seek help, this wound will turn your life into the nightmare, and, eventually, it may lead you to suicidal death. This is what happened to me. Thank God, I didn't kill myself, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to die (since I was six to be exact), but I live with the trauma that paints my reality in very dark shades.
Yes, I believe that narcs and suicides are two sides of the same c -
Blog postIf you were not loved by anyone, you feel like you are drowning. All the time.
The pain comes back one time by another, and you have no way to escape it because the only cure is being loved by someone significant.
This is how we were created - we must experience love; otherwise, our life is unbearable.
I've learned to provide good things for myself, which is very helpful. There are moments of my existence that are too hard, though, and I need to acquire the ab -
Blog postLet's talk about suicide. My suicide.
The only attempt in my life I desperately wanted to forget about.
But forgetting doesn't change anything because the problem comes back, though it is masked and hidden behind some substitute. The reason it always haunts me is simple: I have never faced the direct cause.
Silence days.
This is how my non-mother was 'punishing' me, God alone knows what for. Suddenly, her mood changed, and she stopped talking to me. I co -
Blog post[This post contains spoilers]
'Ad Astra' movie is not a killer as 'Joker' is. It is also a good piece of work, though. I found many negative opinions about it on the Polish internet; the viewers seem to be disappointed as if they have expected something else. Well, I didn't expect anything. I just wanted to spend last Sunday evening at the cinema, and the film about space travel is always the right choice for me. I received more than anticipated.
To be honest, the subject of this mov -
Blog post[This is not a movie review. It's my personal opinion and feelings after watching 'Joker' in the cinema. The post contains spoilers.]
Loud silence
Five hundred people filled the cinema on Sunday evening. Five hundred young craved for good entertainment people ready for consumption of tons of pop-corn and gallons of cola. I was terrified. First, crowds make me feel uncomfortable. Second, I hate the sound of crunching and chewing, along with this specific smell. But for almost two hour -
Blog postBeing a child of a parent who is narcissistic sadist is something awful. But the much worse situation is when one is a member of a narcissistic family. It's not so rare, and the people who are aware that there is something wrong with their clan are in very complicated circumstances. They have two options - stay with the family or run away. The first alternative means they probably won't have the chance to heal their wounds, to be themselves, to live a healthy life, full of love and happiness. If
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Blog postThe biggest paradox of people who were not loved by their mothers (and they are not aware of this fact) is that they never become fully independent human beings. It's not only about being immature. It's about being a part of somebody else's body and mind. And this is the main reason these people deny anything bad happened to them from the hand of the mother. Admitting that the beloved mom, this fantastic person, contemporary saint, is, in fact, the merciless abuser is something beyond their abil
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Blog postSo how does the fact that you had the non-parent similar to my non-mother impact your life?
Just imagine this: you were a victim - abused, sometimes 'used', neglected, maybe beaten - but you grew up without knowing the truth; you are convinced that the person who loved you the most couldn't be your abuser; you don't connect your problems with mental health or addictions to the possibility that you were not loved whatsoever and that you live in tremendous lie, backed by the family, so -
Blog postIt is hard to accept that the person you love the most hurts you. We try to 'protect' ourselves from this fact so we are finding millions of reasons why he or she is doing so. These reasons are supposed to protect the beloved one, to explain why he or she treats us like that, to justify his or her deeds. And the last thing we want to think about is that this very person makes us harm because he or she finds the ultimate pleasure in it.
That's right - pleasure.
Not so long -
Blog postWhy is it so hard to accept that there are mothers who don't love their children? Why this fact is so inconvenient for most people? As if telling it loudly was something awful.
Well, the awful truth is there are bad or even evil mothers but the worse thing is being silent about it. Silence makes the following generations have no chance to live a better life, for the lack of true mother's love impacts the quality of life in the whole society. Just as one priest told me: the world is s -
Blog postOne of the biggest milestones on my way to recovery (which still is an ongoing process) was the discovery that my non-mother simply hates me to the bone. It took me so many years to accept this obvious fact because of at least four reasons. First, Stockholm syndrome. Second, her constant lies, so common among narcs. Third, social discourse. Fourth, so-called religious upbringing.
But, since I came to this realization, I started asking myself a plain question: WHY? And again, I fell i -
Blog postJust as I didn't know that my non-mother and other people around me (responsible for me at a certain time) are NPDs, I wasn't either aware that I myself struggle with Complex PTSD (cPTSD) which for instance is not being diagnosed let alone treated in Poland's psychiatric facilities. As I mentioned, no therapist wanted to listen about how the woman who gave birth to me was abusing me since the beginning of my life. My stories are not only beyond their poor medical experience but also beyond socia
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Blog postI wrote:"(...)in most cases of 'mental health issues', the problem is that we are stuck in our NPD non-parents' or caregivers' minds."
As we can read in the blog of Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi (the Person whose work, along with late Alice Miller's books, saved my life):
"Many victims of narcissistic parents are haunted by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness as a result of innumerable verbal assaults on them as children and adults." LINK
Inadequacy and unwort -
Blog postI was not aware that, all the time, I was writing about NPDs (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). My mother is NPD, whole her family is NPD, the men I loved are NPDs, most of my teachers were NPDs (this is a real misfortune that even at school, I was surrounded by them), my bosses and colleagues were NPDs. I published "Guide for (Ultimate) Losers," and I was completely unaware that I am referring to this kind of 'personality' in it.
This very discovery helped much more than -
Blog postThe memory is a key to mental health. Only those people and the nations who remember their past - and do not deny it no matter how bad it was - have the chance to be completely sane. That's why the movie "Maze Runner" is the best allegory of what exactly mental disease is.
If you didn't see it, spoiler alert.
Becoming a member of the group living inside of the Maze is something scary. Everything is scary, just like while being mentally ill. You don't know wh -
Blog postThere is this huge common misconception among 'healthy' people that mental illnesses are incurable. As a result, they seem to demand from ill persons to behave and think in a certain way. Shrinks express such opinions loudly and without any shade of shame. Others just signalize these expectations in a more concealed way.
Many doctors and therapists, once the diagnosis is announced, list the things the patient should do or think and, above all, they say that this is "for the rest -
Blog postNobody knew how I was spending Sunday morning. But it was awesome. The fact that I wasn't noticed didn't spoil my mood. For some time, I have been aware that this is how I want my life looks like - I am invisible, unimportant, forgotten... despite the voice of anxiety says something opposite. I am happy when no one is judging me or even look at me. But the problem is that the only effective cure for my emotional issues is doing things that may expose me to the overall sight. And this is awful. <
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Blog postI'm sure you all know some movies or TV series where the main character struggles with the trauma he or she doesn't remember. It haunts that person though it is hidden deep in the subconscious.
I don't remember what caused my own trauma. I really don't. But it impacts my life every second.
So maybe I'll describe what it does with me, how it changes my mindset.
It is like finding myself in 'up-side-down world' depicted in 'Stranger Things' series. I freeze with terro
