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The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right Paperback – February 1, 1996

by Ellen Fein (Author), Sherrie Schneider (Author)

4.3 1,028 ratings

Part of: The Rules (5 books)

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You are a creature unlike any other (Rule #1)--that's why you need . . . The Rules. A simple set of dos and don'ts, The Rules will lead you to where you want to be: in a healthy, committed relationship. Unlike today's haphazard dating customs, The Rules recognizes certain facts of life. That men know what they want. That a man is either attracted to you--or not! That men want a challenge, not an instant or easy victory. When you follow these commonsense guidelines, you treat yourself with respect and dignity--and demand that men do likewise. Although they sound old-fashioned ("Don't see him more than once or twice a week"), they encourage you to lead a full, satisfying, busy life--outside of romance. Although they seem tough ("Don't talk to a man first"), they will teach you how to accept occasional defeat and move on. And although they require discipline ("No more than casual kissing on the first date"), they will bring out the best in you and in the men you date. The goal? Marriage, in the shortest time possible, to a man you love, who loves you even more than you love him.

Part of series

The Rules
Print length

192 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Grand Central Publishing
Publication date

February 1, 1996
Dimensions

4 x 0.5 x 6.75 inches
ISBN-10

0446602744
ISBN-13

978-0446602747
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Ellen Fein
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Ellen Fein
822
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Sherrie Schneider (Author) Fein, Ellen (Author).
800
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Ellen Fein
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Greg Behrendt
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Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Grand Central Publishing (February 1, 1996)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 192 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0446602744
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0446602747
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 3.2 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 4 x 0.5 x 6.75 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #1,494,612 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #6,654 in Love & Romance (Books)
- #7,045 in Marriage

Customer Reviews:
4.3 1,028 ratings

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Ellen Fein
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Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider are bestselling authors and have established themselves as experts on love and relationships. They lecture widely and have helped millions of women worldwide!
Their fifth book is out Feb 8th 2013 Not Your Mothers Rules-the new secrets for dating!
www.therulesbook.com
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Sherrie Schneider
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Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider are authorities on love and human relationships. They lecture regularly and have coached millions of women worldwide.
See more on the author's page

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Joseph Dewey

Very good book--everyone should read--but, beware!

Reviewed in the United States on March 25, 2005

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This is a very good book. I think that everyone should read it--both men and women.

But, and a big BUT--beware!

This isn't a book of tricks or techniques. I don't think that the authors ever meant it to be a "Bible" where you can randomly read one verse and pick out what you should do that day.

There are two of the rules that you have to do:

1) Obey all of the rules, and

2) Keep obeying the rules after you are married

What that means is: A LIFESTYLE CHANGE. These aren't tips or "techniques." This book is talking about an all-or-nothing lifestlye change. I'm convinced that the hundreds of one-star reviews and the thousands of people who had this book "mess up their life" didn't make a lifestlye change. Instead, they took this book as a book of handy tips and techniques, and started with one of the more complex rules, like never returning phone calls.

You can't just pick and choose the rules. You have to do all of the rules and make a fundamental shift in your thinking.

My second point is that even though this is a good book, and I think that all men and women should read this book, that this book is FUNDAMENTALLY FLAWED.

The flaw in this book is the type of man that the rules attract. The rules attract a very strong alpha male who is a fundamentally nice and good person, and who is unmarried. The reason that this is a flaw is that that kind of person just doesn't exist. Well, actually he does exist, but of the thousands of men that I've ever met, I've only met one of them who fits that mold. And he's no longer available, because he was married at 21 to a 19-year old. The problem is that pretty much all strong alpha male types aren't good, nice people.

I'm sure a lot of women convince themselves that their boyfriend/husband really is the strong alpha male type and is a good person. I've got news for you--Those things don't go together. You can be one or the other, but not both.

The authors really need to publish two other books--

"How to Use a Scaled-Down Version of The Rules to Attract a Beta, Gamma, or Epsilon Male."

-and-

"If You Don't Want to Put Any Effort Into The Rules--Use This Exremely Bare Bones Version of The Rules--These Handy Tips and Techniques Will Work a Little Bit"

Those are the books that the one-star reviewers are looking for.

22 people found this helpful

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Cakey

Very Pratical

Reviewed in the United States on March 28, 2016

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Yes, the book is written mainly for women who are interested in finding the perfect husband. However, for every time the authors tell you to wait before responding to a man or limit the number of dates you have with him every week, there is an equal amount of effort dedicated to the theme of "don't just say you're busy, BE busy." Obviously it won't be possible to have an engagement every single Friday and Saturday night for the rest of your life (at least, it isn't for me), and sometimes you may have to keep the truth from the guy you're dating to maintain the impression that you're a social butterfly and thus be more appealing to him. I honestly don't see the harm in this: if being alone on a Friday night bothers you, then wouldn't it be even worse to advertise it to the men you're dating? And also: it's really none of his business what you're doing when you're not with him while you're still casually dating.

The way I see it, the rules are strung together with a very important thread, and that's the idea of women taking care of themselves, whether it be superficial (physical pampering), spiritual (doing yoga, meditation or anything else that makes YOU feel happy), and social (engaging in healthy romantic relationships). So for everybody who's saying this book is anti-feminist, I'll have to respectfully disagree. "Twilight" is a book about damsels in distress; "The Rules" isn't. The rules simply encourage you to be a challenge for the next guy who comes along, and I see nothing wrong with this. Yes, it really sucks that dating has to be a game, but at least in the beginning I believe that's the truth and everybody who's dying to open up and be honest about EVERYTHING (myself including) just has to suck it up and get through to the next stage...

45 people found this helpful

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Sigrid Macdonald

Irritating and disheartening but possibly true

Reviewed in the United States on December 17, 2005

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Reading The Rules was like sitting in the dental chair - it was painful! I forced myself to read the book because last year I read, He's Just Not That into You. I expected to hate that book, too, but I didn't. It was just so laugh out loud funny that I couldn't help but like it. Also, the message was clear, albeit simplistic; if a man isn't calling you, he's just not interested.

The Rules is definitely retro. I've heard it described as a book that advocates women going back to the fifties. True enough, but not the 1950s -- the 1850s! I could easily imagine Jane Austen writing this book and young women waiting for their gentleman callers in their mother's parlor.

For those who are not familiar with the material, The Rules are a set of guidelines for women to follow that are designed to prevent them from enduring heartbreak and rejection in love. They consist of the following suggestions:

-- Don't speak to a man first in a social setting. Don't ask him to dance, don't stare at him and definitely, don't call him on the phone! A Rules girl needs to play hard to get.

-- After a man calls you up, don't accept a date unless he's giving you ample notice. And don't return his phone call if he happens to get your voicemail. You don't want to seem too eager.

-- Clearly, having sex is not an option. You must wait several months, meanwhile seeing the man no more than two to three times a week. And you will be certified as a suicide relationship bomber if you initiate sex! Don't pay for the date, don't meet him halfway and -- get this -- don't talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes every time he calls you. Pretend to have something else to do so that you seem busy.

-- If you want a man to marry you, don't live with him. Hold out for that ring.

Now, before you dismiss all of this as preposterous, as I was tempted to do, keep in mind that the purpose of the book is to prevent women from suffering. The authors argue that men and women are biologically different and as a result, men need to pursue women. If they don't initiate, they will lose interest. If women don't play hard to get, they will never instill a sense of chronic longing in their man. Moreover, The Rules encourages women to be busy and independent, so that they won't view their man as the center of their existence.

As a longtime feminist who has broken all of the rules all of my life, I must concede that some of them may have merit. Whether it's biological or sociocultural, men are different from women. There is still a double standard in society. If a guy goes after a women for a year and she shows no interest in him, he is simply persistent. If a woman does the same thing, she's desperate. There's no term for a man who "chases" women because that's what a guy is supposed to do (I'm not talking about a womanizer or a stalker. I'm talking about an ordinary guy going after an ordinary girl/women.) Why is the word "chase" always used in reference to women, kind of like the words "loose" or "easy?" (Heard of any men who were called sluts recently? I rest my case.)

Now, I think that the double standard is completely wrong and that's why I've always violated it. However, the end result has often been that I have pursued men who were not interested in me, or how end up being quite passive later on in the relationship. In my book, D'Amour Road, my main character has an unrequited crush on a younger man. That scenario resulted directly from my interest in this topic of women pursuing men. Theoretically, it's a good thing. The sexes should be equal. In all of my interactions with men, I always try to treat them the same way that Itreat females. But the sad fact is that they're not females, especially when it comes to sex and romance.

So if The Rules sounds antiquated, they are. But that doesn't mean that they may not be effective. I can't imagine following them all religiously, particularly the one about not returning a man's phone call, which seems incredibly rude. But I can see embracing a modified version of The Rules for self-protection and to simplify my life.

Let's face it. If a guy is interested in me or in you, he can pick up the phone. How hard is that? If we as women keep making the first move -- which should be our right -- how will we know if the man was interested beforehand? Is it just responding to our friendliness? Fein also cautions against revealing too much about yourself during the first month or two. Sounds Stepfordish but if you think about it, why do we need to tell anyone who is brand-new in our life all about the baggage that we carry around day in and day out? That's true of new female friends, new male friends or budding relationships.

Yes, The Rules are at least 150 years out of date and they are extremely irritating and disheartening to anyone with a feminist or postmodern perspective, but I found them to have *some* redeeming value. And I'm going to test some of them out, just for the hell of it.

Sigrid Mac

Author of D'Amour Road

28 people found this helpful

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MONI CHEIZEN

Buen libro

Reviewed in Mexico on February 21, 2021

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Uno de los mejores libros que eh comprado! Es divertido y muy fácil de leer. Los consejos son buenos y vale la pena experimentar cada uno.

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Olympia

Exceptional!

Reviewed in Canada on August 17, 2020

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It's a must-read for young women entering the dating scene especially if they come from dysfunctional families with problematic relationship with father and weak mother role-model. They should teach this in public schools.

4 people found this helpful

Samina Boxwala

Rules that every woman must know!

Reviewed in India on December 8, 2016

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I liked this book as it gives an insight into psychology of men. It gives a precise set of dos and donts in order to be treated by the opposite sex in a manner that we all dream of. I would recommend this book to all women who wish to be treated as a very special person by the opposite sex. I stopped short of five stars as (1) it is a lot of hard work (2) doesn't allow you to be your natural self with your loved one (3) may take the romance out of dating as you go by the rules and not instincts.

One person found this helpful