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The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again--and Stay There Hardcover – January 29, 2001

4.7 out of 5 stars 34 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

"In reality we don't fall out of love," writes Mark Goulston, M.D. "Rather, love falls out of us, like the floors of a building whose foundation crumbles." If you're in a relationship that has lost its magic, The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship aims to rekindle your heart by teaching you a process of examining, discussing, and fixing your relationship.

The first letters of each of the six secrets make the acronym CREATE: chemistry, respect, enjoyment, acceptance, trust, and empathy. Goulston maintains that relationship problems are caused by a breakdown in one or more of these elements, but if you strengthen the supporting structure in these overlapping areas, you can restore your passion and romance and discover "a new, mature love that surpasses in depth and intimacy all your romantic memories." Whatever the specific problems in your relationship, he says, improving these six areas will help restore your bond.

The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship is like couples therapy in a book. You and your partner will want to work through specific chapters together, which you'll return to often for guidance. You'll learn warning signs that your relationship is in trouble in one or more of these areas, how to communicate about it, and how to repair and renew the relationship. Goulston includes self-tests, exercises, and many anecdotes that illustrate his points. Eye-catching quotes pepper the chapters, such as, "Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions," (Woody Allen) and "Men always want to be a woman's first love--women like to be a man's last romance" (Oscar Wilde).

Goulston is a board-certified psychiatrist and a well-known relationship advisor who has conducted 10,000-plus hours of couples therapy. Goulston and coauthor Philip Goldberg also wrote Get out of Your Own Way. --Joan Price

From Publishers Weekly

In an intelligent if unexciting work that benefits from Goulston's 25 years as a psychiatrist, he observes that relationship problems stem from a breakdown of any of the six essential traits he's grouped under the acronym CREATE: chemistry, respect, enjoyment, acceptance, trust and empathy. For each trait, he offers self-evaluations and exercises that elicit open dialogue between partners working together, in either written or verbal form. Though he sprinkles the text with pithy ideas he calls "Usable Insights" (e.g., "Constantly asking your partner to tell you you're attractive is unattractive"), the heart of the book is in its fictionalized accounts of real-life cases. Many of these stories are genuinely moving, though some are too easily resolved; overall, they effectively illustrate the issues. Though Goulston apparently wants to counter John Gray's gender characterizations by declaring that men and women are not from different planets, but from earth, he still serves up some stereotypes (e.g., men who resort to type as sullen and withdrawn; women who are critical and demanding). Some of his comments about sex may raise some eyebrows (he connects the availability of Internet porn to a "masturbation epidemic among married men"). This solid effort should appeal to mature couples willing to do the work he suggests to shore up long-term marriages. (Feb.)Forecast: The lack of a gimmick or obvious sales handle will make this book harder to sell in the crowded relationship market, though that may give it some durability in the long run. A first serial to Ladies Home Journal and Goulston's syndicated column at lifescape.com will insure exposure at publication.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.


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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Putnam Adult (January 29, 2001)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0399147039
  • ISBN-13: 978-0399147036
  • Product Dimensions: 6.2 x 1 x 9.3 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.3 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (34 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #515,841 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
We've saved thousands of dollars in marital therapy by using this book. The most amazing thing about it is to follow Goulston's suggestion to take the quizzes at the beginning of each section on how to CREATE love (Chemistry, Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust, Empathy) and more importantly to then answer them the way you think your partner would answer them. Then exchange what you have written down and marvel at how little you really understand each other and then start to heal when you correct the misunderstandings. It's absolutely magical. Even men will get into it because you get the sense Goulston's a guy's guy, but is so without offending women. Run to buy this one!
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Format: Paperback
From: [...]
Author & Book Views On A Healthy Life!

Book Review: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again and Stay There (Perigree, 2001) by Mark Goulston, MD with Philip Goldberg

A Classic Feature

Dr. Mark Goulston is a former UCLA professor who helps high performing leaders, senior management and sales people reach their full potential using skills he learned training FBI and police hostage negotiators. He has also written Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, Get Out of Your Own Way at Work, and PTSD for Dummies.

The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship has received praise from John Gray, Ph.D. and Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. The book is based on more than 10,000 hours of couples therapy and has been developed into six secrets for keeping your relationship together:

1. Keep the chemistry burning.
2. Treat your partner with respect--and earn his or her respect.
3. Don't stop thinking about enjoyment.
4. Give one another acceptance despite your flaws.
5. Deserve each other's trust.
6. Always keep in touch with empathy.

"The structure of an intimate relationship rests on six pillars, which are the core of each of the six secrets."

1. C--chemistry (Sex; Romance; Discusses the painful secrets some individuals keep; Tells why we need to feel physically connected. Answers why chemistry waxes, then wanes--explains how to bring this important element back into the relationship.)
2. R--respect (This is where affairs sometimes begin. Warning signs of disrespect highlighted. Tells how to respect yourself and your partner.)
3. E--enjoyment (There is a need for laughter. Defines how baggage hinders enjoyment.)
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Format: Paperback
Dr. Goulston's book made so much sense to my husband, felt so right to me, and was extremely doable for both of us. It helped us recognize when and where the great things disappeared from our life and more importantly gave us a way to bring them back. Skeptical as were, this book really can help you to fall back in love again and stay there.
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Format: Hardcover
Dr.Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg have recaptured the magic of their first book, "Get Out of Your Own Way." The tone and "voice" of " Secrets" presents in aclear and honest manner real life ways to begin to heal and rebuild a wanted relationship.
The scene is set in each chapter with questions designed to force you to not only look in, but look from the inside out. If there was ever a text that so deserves to be read by every intimate couple, this is it.
The examples and testimonials bring the advice to life, and the advice is well thought out and obviously honest and workable. Unlike so many booksthat try to reframe our way of thinking about our relationships, "6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship" assist you in working with what is already there and perhaps not understood well enough by the reader to move forward. The intimacy of reading and responding to advice is one of the many joys of reading. Surely having a book like this brings us much closer to our own solutions, and more importantly, closer to the one we love.
Read this book with the knowing that the words, advice, stories, and solutions work. Read it as well with hope and faith. There is something here to help anyone who needs it.
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Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Personally I liked the use of the acronym CREATE to organize the book:(Chemistry,Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust and Empathy). If you are having difficulties with anything other than physical abuse or substance abuse then this book gets to the heart of what is most important quickly and the organization allows you to skip to the area which concerns you most (which I did): yes there was a light sales job at the beginning but if you get into the chapters, they are quite meaty with a variety of approaches to dealing with each problem and a good description of the most common array of diifficulties. If one's spouse is resistant to marriage books then you can read it by yourself (like I did) and still find it quite helpful.

The chapters on respect p 95 to 136 and empathy p258 to 288 were exactly what I needed. My marriage has had difficulty for a number of years but I sure would have loved to have found this book earlier. For those whose relationships are doing well this gives you a reminder of what truly matters and help during the trials which may eventually occur. I also recommend Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson for those who need a bit more perspective on why they get in such crazy fights, but this book finishes the job as far as I am concerned.

I had read a lot of books on marriage and still was having difficulty so I ordered this one along with three others. Thankfully this one (used) arrived first (the others haven't arrived yet).
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