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Secrets of Sex and Marriage: 8 Surprises That Make All the Difference Hardcover – February 7, 2023

4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 180 ratings

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"I highly recommend this insightful book to all married couples."--GARY CHAPMAN, PhD, author of The 5 Love Languages

Let's Talk about Sex

Most people are curious about sex and would love a few answers. "Are we normal?" "Why isn't my spouse as interested in sex as I am?" "I don't want to feel pressured, but don't want to disappoint my spouse either--what do I do?" "How do we handle the impact of medication, menopause, porn, ED, pain . . . ?"

Most importantly: "How can we get on the same page and create a thriving intimate life?"

Sex is one of the most common marriage issues (for example, almost 80% of couples are mismatched in how often they want it), but
it doesn't have to be that way.

Relationship researcher Shaunti Feldhahn and renowned sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma have identified eight simple, transformational factors to help you move from disconnection to delight. This is knowledge you can
trust,based on vast clinical experience and their breakthrough research, including the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex. This book is not a "sex manual"; it is a fascinating, practical field guide that will help you intimately understand your spouse and create the marriage you've always wanted.

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From the Publisher

gary Chapman

What others are saying about this book

Secrets of Sex and Marriage

Secrets of Sex and Marriage

secrets of sex and marriage

Secrets of Sex and Marriage

Secrets of sex and marriage

Secrets of sex and marriage

shaunti feldhahn
Michael Sytsma

Editorial Reviews

From the Back Cover

"I highly recommend this insightful book to all married couples."--GARY CHAPMAN, PhD, author of The 5 Love Languages

Let's Talk about Sex

Most people are curious about sex and would love a few answers. "Are we normal?" "Why isn't my spouse as interested in sex as I am?" "I don't want to feel pressured, but don't want to disappoint my spouse either--what do I do?" "How do we handle the impact of medication, menopause, porn, ED, pain . . . ?"

Most importantly: "How can we get on the same page and create a thriving intimate life?"

Sex is one of the most common marriage issues (for example, almost 80% of couples are mismatched in how often they want it), but
it doesn't have to be that way.

Relationship researcher Shaunti Feldhahn and renowned sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma have identified eight simple, transformational factors to help you move from disconnection to delight. This is knowledge you can
trust,based on vast clinical experience and their breakthrough research, including the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex. This book is not a "sex manual"; it is a fascinating, practical field guide that will help you intimately understand your spouse and create the marriage you've always wanted.

About the Author

Shaunti Feldhahn (www.shaunti.com) is a bestselling author, social researcher, speaker, and podcaster. With a graduate degree from Harvard, Shaunti uses her analytical background to help relationships thrive. She and her husband, Jeff, have coauthored groundbreaking relationship books with nearly 3 million copies sold.

Dr. Michael Sytsma (www.intimatemarriage.org) is a licensed professional counselor, certified sex therapist, ordained minister, professor, and national speaker. With over 30 years of clinical experience in sex therapy, he founded Building Intimate Marriages, Inc. and co-founded Sexual Wholeness, Inc.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Bethany House Publishers (February 7, 2023)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 256 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0764239554
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0764239557
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.25 x 1 x 7.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 180 ratings

About the authors

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Customer reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
180 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find the book provides practical insights from experts. They also say it's easy to read and understand, with an artful way of writing. Readers describe the book as a delightful resource and worth their time. They appreciate the challenges and surprises.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

55 customers mention "Insight"55 positive0 negative

Customers find the book full of great information that can truly help couples. They say it provides practical insights from experts and gives the gift of self-awareness. Readers also mention the book has sound advice and encouragement.

"...It's practical, gives you a peek (statistically) into what happens in the bedroom (like, find out what percentage of couples have/want sex every day)..." Read more

"...This book is encouraged for couples to read aloud together as it discusses at length the complexity of sexual desire and the differences and..." Read more

"...In addition to the list, this book also gives the gift of self-awareness. While painful, there is something liberating about self-awareness...." Read more

"...It does a great job of being approachable when conveying what survey results revealed...." Read more

25 customers mention "Ease of reading"24 positive1 negative

Customers find the book easy to read and understand. They appreciate the technical expertise and artful way of writing with practical examples. Readers also say the authors have done a masterful job and demonstrate significant care for their readers.

"...topics that couples struggle with regarding sexual intimacy—in an easy-to-read, easy-to-navigate guide to spark conversation!..." Read more

"...Overall, I just really enjoyed the easy read, humor, and actual research results that help couples understand what things truly make a positive..." Read more

"...Secrets of Sex and Marriage is a very well written and phenomenal book that uses a plethora of research to correlate the male and female..." Read more

"...It is written with technical expertise and yet in a manner that allows easy understanding and application...." Read more

20 customers mention "Value for money"20 positive0 negative

Customers find the book great, delightful, and worth their time. They say it's insightful, invaluable, and a wonderful springboard toward communicating wants and needs.

"...However, it is a delightful resource for couples looking to understand themselves and their partner better sexually...." Read more

"...Secrets of Sex and Marriage is a very well written and phenomenal book that uses a plethora of research to correlate the male and female..." Read more

"I am not finished yet with the book but it’s another great one from Shaunti!" Read more

"But so far it’s a great book!" Read more

7 customers mention "Challenge level"7 positive0 negative

Customers find the book offers a wealth of challenging and insightful ways to communicate, honor, love, and serve up numerous surprises. They mention it's rife with stories that amuse, challenge, and touch them. Readers also say chapter 4 is extremely helpful and mind-blowing. Overall, they say it's a great starting point and a fresh start.

"...brings a wealth of statistical data to this book that serves up numerous surprises...." Read more

"...are based on research have given me a breath of fresh air, and a fresh start, which we really need right now as we are really busy with our 5 kids..." Read more

"...over the last two decades, The Secrets of Sex & Marriage is rife with stories that amuse, challenge, and touch the soul...." Read more

"...Chapter 4 was extremely helpful and somewhat mind-blowing…yet simple in concept...." Read more

3 customers mention "Appeal"3 positive0 negative

Customers find the book appeals to anyone and everyone. They say it illuminates differing types of desire and how to engage a partner not wired for intimacy.

"...Basically, it’s a book that appeals to anyone and everyone, and I can’t recommend it enough!" Read more

"...The book illuminates differing types of desire and how to engage a partner not wired for frequency or receptivity as one is, and how a shift in one..." Read more

"...talk about the chapters with your beloved, and enjoy the beautiful fruits of deep intimacy." Read more

3 customers mention "Digestibility"3 positive0 negative

Customers find the book easy to digest. They say it helps couples make their marriages stronger.

"...In addition to content and writing that is easy to digest for the average reader, it is full of DATA from respected RESEARCH the authors have..." Read more

"...Marriage is a map to creating intimacy and connection in an easily digestible way, helping couples make their marriage alive again...." Read more

"...and Dr. Sytsma have distilled so much information in an easily digestible format. Such thorough research and insightful findings...." Read more

A Great Book for Marriage
5 out of 5 stars
A Great Book for Marriage
I received the digital copy as part of the Launch Team. That copy has highlights on almost every page. I was reading it at a good time as my best friend was going through a tough time in her marriage and I was wanting to communicate better with my husband about some things. I am not good at communicating, especially about sex even though I've been married 10 years. Secrets of Sex and Marriage helped me realize some important things. Differences and how to figure out my and my spouse's likes and dislikes and to communicate about them. I am more open to my husbands wants and getting better at communicating a bit more. I hope to communicate to some friends about this book. Note, that I am a southerner from the Bible belt where sex isn't talked about in "mixed company". It's awkward and embarrassing and private. My husband is from the Midwest where people just say things! I highly recommend this book no matter how long your marriage has been, if you're married, and how good or had your sex life may be.
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Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on February 12, 2023
I'm a counselor who works with all kinds of couples: conservative and progressive Christians, blended families, marriages on the brink of divorce (usually because of betrayal of trust), and gay and lesbian couples. Oh, and sexually active teens. Is this a good book for all these groups? Potentially, yes! For the faith-based hetero couple, this is a no-brainer -- get the book! It's practical, gives you a peek (statistically) into what happens in the bedroom (like, find out what percentage of couples have/want sex every day). It addresses the question, "Are we normal?"
For relationships hanging on by a thread, or toxic because of betrayal (or differences in values), this book will put some water on the fire, but you'll probably also need professional help. The authors give lists of resources if you need focused sex therapy.
For non-religious couples, I found it refreshing that the authors don't beat you over the head with Bible verses and assume you share their worldview. Now yes, they do quote Scripture, seeking to dispel myths about God, marriage, and sex. Did you know that God designed sex to be pleasurable? But the authors take it further. Sytsma states, "God clearly designed sex for pleasure, but it is richer than just pleasure. If you goal is powerful pleasure, you might have only okay sex; but if your goal is intimate connection and oneness, then great sex is more likely to come along with it."
What about LGBTQ+ folks? I'd say if you are open to spiritual truth in your sexual experience, you will find some insights -- but it will probably feel like you're translating a foreign language, like the book was not written for those who feel "other." Still, for a book from a faith-based perspective, this one comes across as friendly, IMHO. Try the book, and if you don't like it, give it to your cis-het friends.
Bottom line, The Secrets of Sex and Marriage is reassuring, scientifically sound in its research, and practical.
21 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on February 17, 2023
I am a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist, and this is the first book I’ve read that addresses the complex topics that couples struggle with regarding sexual intimacy—in an easy-to-read, easy-to-navigate guide to spark conversation! This book is encouraged for couples to read aloud together as it discusses at length the complexity of sexual desire and the differences and resentments that couples face when they take their partner’s lower desire personally. I couldn’t put this book down, and I’ve already recommended it to several of the couples I work with—especially to the women who have a receptive sexual desire but are blamed by their husbands for something being “wrong” with them because they aren’t always horny like their husbands are. A quote from the book: “Most of the time, a spouse doesn’t pursue because they aren’t wired to. If your spouse says they find you desirable, accept it. Don’t use their desire intensity or activity as the measure of your desirability.”

I also appreciate that the authors emphasize removing the word “need” from the context of sex: “Our true needs as humans are minimal. Without the basic physical needs of food and water, we die. Without the basic emotional need of human connection, we experience real suffering and failure to thrive. Sex is not in that same category. Research has tried and failed to prove from multiple angles that sex is a need. Additionally, many people live full lives without sex—because they have a significantly disabled spouse, are asexual, feel called to be single and celibate, or for other reasons (even if some may still long for things to be otherwise). When we assert that sex is a need, it implies that we have to have sex. Not true. It is a God-designed drive we are called to discipline for good. We are not enslaved to that part of our nature.”

In addition to content and writing that is easy to digest for the average reader, it is full of DATA from respected RESEARCH the authors have gathered. It’s a book for clinicians, academicians, and anyone who is married—or will be married! Basically, it’s a book that appeals to anyone and everyone, and I can’t recommend it enough!
29 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on February 13, 2023
Secrets of Sex and Marriage is not the be-all-end-all guide to sex. However, it is a delightful resource for couples looking to understand themselves and their partner better sexually. Shaunti Feldhahn brings a wealth of statistical data to this book that serves up numerous surprises. The data also helps to challenge the “we are the only ones” mentality that can often creep into our sex lives. Dr. Michael Systma’s decades of experience as a sex therapist grounds this book in the real sexual questions, struggles, and triumphs of real people! The knowledge gleaned from literally thousands of couples brings a qualitative dimension to this book that informs the data Shaunti Feldhahn draws from her research.

I walked away from this book with a…
· deeper appreciation for how men and women are physically wired for sex.
· better understanding of sexual desire in myself and my spouse.
· deeper awareness of the need for me and my spouse to talk about sex with the aim of mutual pleasure.
· renewed determination to believe the best of my spouse.
· reinforced belief that sex is a glue that strengthens us as a couple while simultaneously serving as a beautiful erotic playground.

In addition to the list, this book also gives the gift of self-awareness. While painful, there is something liberating about self-awareness. In the context of this book, being honest about ourselves sexually gives us the freedom to set a path from where we are to where we want to be.

Toward the end of the book Feldhahn and Systma say, “Making sex good for both partners, and full in both body and spirit, is the ultimate goal of this book.” I love this quote because that “ultimate goal” is reflected throughout this book.
12 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Guitarcat
5.0 out of 5 stars Enlightening and Practical
Reviewed in Canada on February 9, 2023
Shaunti and hubby Jeff, have worked alongside therapist,Dr. Michael Sytsma to bring us an enlightening and practical guide to understanding intimacy in marriage. It is sprinkled with humorous anecdotes of true stories that have been shared during counselling sessions. The authors address myths and the mindset shifts we need to make in order to have fulfillment within a committed relationship. This book will help you connect well with compassion, empathy and understanding, which is a key component to building intimacy.