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Secrets of Sex and Marriage: 8 Surprises That Make All the Difference Hardcover – February 7, 2023
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Let's Talk about Sex
Most people are curious about sex and would love a few answers. "Are we normal?" "Why isn't my spouse as interested in sex as I am?" "I don't want to feel pressured, but don't want to disappoint my spouse either--what do I do?" "How do we handle the impact of medication, menopause, porn, ED, pain . . . ?"
Most importantly: "How can we get on the same page and create a thriving intimate life?"
Sex is one of the most common marriage issues (for example, almost 80% of couples are mismatched in how often they want it), but it doesn't have to be that way.
Relationship researcher Shaunti Feldhahn and renowned sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma have identified eight simple, transformational factors to help you move from disconnection to delight. This is knowledge you can trust,based on vast clinical experience and their breakthrough research, including the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex. This book is not a "sex manual"; it is a fascinating, practical field guide that will help you intimately understand your spouse and create the marriage you've always wanted.
- Print length256 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherBethany House Publishers
- Publication dateFebruary 7, 2023
- Dimensions5.25 x 1 x 7.5 inches
- ISBN-100764239554
- ISBN-13978-0764239557
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From the Back Cover
Let's Talk about Sex
Most people are curious about sex and would love a few answers. "Are we normal?" "Why isn't my spouse as interested in sex as I am?" "I don't want to feel pressured, but don't want to disappoint my spouse either--what do I do?" "How do we handle the impact of medication, menopause, porn, ED, pain . . . ?"
Most importantly: "How can we get on the same page and create a thriving intimate life?"
Sex is one of the most common marriage issues (for example, almost 80% of couples are mismatched in how often they want it), but it doesn't have to be that way.
Relationship researcher Shaunti Feldhahn and renowned sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma have identified eight simple, transformational factors to help you move from disconnection to delight. This is knowledge you can trust,based on vast clinical experience and their breakthrough research, including the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex. This book is not a "sex manual"; it is a fascinating, practical field guide that will help you intimately understand your spouse and create the marriage you've always wanted.
About the Author
Dr. Michael Sytsma (www.intimatemarriage.org) is a licensed professional counselor, certified sex therapist, ordained minister, professor, and national speaker. With over 30 years of clinical experience in sex therapy, he founded Building Intimate Marriages, Inc. and co-founded Sexual Wholeness, Inc.
Product details
- Publisher : Bethany House Publishers (February 7, 2023)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 256 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0764239554
- ISBN-13 : 978-0764239557
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.25 x 1 x 7.5 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #36,603 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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Secrets of Sex & Marriage
Baker Publishing Group
About the authors

Author and Speaker: SHAUNTI FELDHAHN
Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author, and internationally renowned speaker.
Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace.
Together, Shaunti's non-fiction books have sold more than 3 million copies in 25 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.
In Shaunti's devotionals and Bible studies, she guides women to discover the path that will take them from frenzied to peace and joy when they lean into God's truths.
Shaunti’s findings have been featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, The New York Times, Family Life, and Cosmopolitan. Shaunti lives in Atlanta with her husband, Jeff and their two adult children.

Michael is passionate about marriage and helping couples grow in their marriage. His giftedness in teaching helps couples learn important truths about marriage in a fun and interesting way.
A Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Therapist, and Certified Professional Counseling Supervisor, Dr. Sytsma is also an ordained minister with The Wesleyan Church. He received his Ph.D. specializing in marital sexual therapy, with an original research dissertation on “Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Married Couples.”
Co-founder of Sexual Wholeness, Inc. he is currently the founder and senior therapist at Building Intimate Marriages. He is a professor at several graduate schools including Asbury Theological Seminary, Dallas Theological Seminary, Denver Seminary, Reformed Theological Seminary, and Richmont Graduate University.
Michael is a contributor to several books including Celebration of Sex (Rosenau), Sanctified Sexuality (Barnes), Counseling Techniques (Thomas), and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (Curtrer). He co-authored Secrets of Sex & Marriage and Unlocking an Intimate Marriage with Shaunti Feldhahn.
He and his wife Karen live in Atlanta GA, have been married since 1985 and have two sons and one daughter-in-law.
Customer reviews
Customer Reviews, including Product Star Ratings help customers to learn more about the product and decide whether it is the right product for them.
To calculate the overall star rating and percentage breakdown by star, we don’t use a simple average. Instead, our system considers things like how recent a review is and if the reviewer bought the item on Amazon. It also analyzed reviews to verify trustworthiness.
Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book provides practical insights from experts. They also say it's easy to read and understand, with an artful way of writing. Readers describe the book as a delightful resource and worth their time. They appreciate the challenges and surprises.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book full of great information that can truly help couples. They say it provides practical insights from experts and gives the gift of self-awareness. Readers also mention the book has sound advice and encouragement.
"...It's practical, gives you a peek (statistically) into what happens in the bedroom (like, find out what percentage of couples have/want sex every day)..." Read more
"...This book is encouraged for couples to read aloud together as it discusses at length the complexity of sexual desire and the differences and..." Read more
"...In addition to the list, this book also gives the gift of self-awareness. While painful, there is something liberating about self-awareness...." Read more
"...It does a great job of being approachable when conveying what survey results revealed...." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read and understand. They appreciate the technical expertise and artful way of writing with practical examples. Readers also say the authors have done a masterful job and demonstrate significant care for their readers.
"...topics that couples struggle with regarding sexual intimacy—in an easy-to-read, easy-to-navigate guide to spark conversation!..." Read more
"...Overall, I just really enjoyed the easy read, humor, and actual research results that help couples understand what things truly make a positive..." Read more
"...Secrets of Sex and Marriage is a very well written and phenomenal book that uses a plethora of research to correlate the male and female..." Read more
"...It is written with technical expertise and yet in a manner that allows easy understanding and application...." Read more
Customers find the book great, delightful, and worth their time. They say it's insightful, invaluable, and a wonderful springboard toward communicating wants and needs.
"...However, it is a delightful resource for couples looking to understand themselves and their partner better sexually...." Read more
"...Secrets of Sex and Marriage is a very well written and phenomenal book that uses a plethora of research to correlate the male and female..." Read more
"I am not finished yet with the book but it’s another great one from Shaunti!" Read more
"But so far it’s a great book!" Read more
Customers find the book offers a wealth of challenging and insightful ways to communicate, honor, love, and serve up numerous surprises. They mention it's rife with stories that amuse, challenge, and touch them. Readers also say chapter 4 is extremely helpful and mind-blowing. Overall, they say it's a great starting point and a fresh start.
"...brings a wealth of statistical data to this book that serves up numerous surprises...." Read more
"...are based on research have given me a breath of fresh air, and a fresh start, which we really need right now as we are really busy with our 5 kids..." Read more
"...over the last two decades, The Secrets of Sex & Marriage is rife with stories that amuse, challenge, and touch the soul...." Read more
"...Chapter 4 was extremely helpful and somewhat mind-blowing…yet simple in concept...." Read more
Customers find the book appeals to anyone and everyone. They say it illuminates differing types of desire and how to engage a partner not wired for intimacy.
"...Basically, it’s a book that appeals to anyone and everyone, and I can’t recommend it enough!" Read more
"...The book illuminates differing types of desire and how to engage a partner not wired for frequency or receptivity as one is, and how a shift in one..." Read more
"...talk about the chapters with your beloved, and enjoy the beautiful fruits of deep intimacy." Read more
Customers find the book easy to digest. They say it helps couples make their marriages stronger.
"...In addition to content and writing that is easy to digest for the average reader, it is full of DATA from respected RESEARCH the authors have..." Read more
"...Marriage is a map to creating intimacy and connection in an easily digestible way, helping couples make their marriage alive again...." Read more
"...and Dr. Sytsma have distilled so much information in an easily digestible format. Such thorough research and insightful findings...." Read more
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For relationships hanging on by a thread, or toxic because of betrayal (or differences in values), this book will put some water on the fire, but you'll probably also need professional help. The authors give lists of resources if you need focused sex therapy.
For non-religious couples, I found it refreshing that the authors don't beat you over the head with Bible verses and assume you share their worldview. Now yes, they do quote Scripture, seeking to dispel myths about God, marriage, and sex. Did you know that God designed sex to be pleasurable? But the authors take it further. Sytsma states, "God clearly designed sex for pleasure, but it is richer than just pleasure. If you goal is powerful pleasure, you might have only okay sex; but if your goal is intimate connection and oneness, then great sex is more likely to come along with it."
What about LGBTQ+ folks? I'd say if you are open to spiritual truth in your sexual experience, you will find some insights -- but it will probably feel like you're translating a foreign language, like the book was not written for those who feel "other." Still, for a book from a faith-based perspective, this one comes across as friendly, IMHO. Try the book, and if you don't like it, give it to your cis-het friends.
Bottom line, The Secrets of Sex and Marriage is reassuring, scientifically sound in its research, and practical.
I also appreciate that the authors emphasize removing the word “need” from the context of sex: “Our true needs as humans are minimal. Without the basic physical needs of food and water, we die. Without the basic emotional need of human connection, we experience real suffering and failure to thrive. Sex is not in that same category. Research has tried and failed to prove from multiple angles that sex is a need. Additionally, many people live full lives without sex—because they have a significantly disabled spouse, are asexual, feel called to be single and celibate, or for other reasons (even if some may still long for things to be otherwise). When we assert that sex is a need, it implies that we have to have sex. Not true. It is a God-designed drive we are called to discipline for good. We are not enslaved to that part of our nature.”
In addition to content and writing that is easy to digest for the average reader, it is full of DATA from respected RESEARCH the authors have gathered. It’s a book for clinicians, academicians, and anyone who is married—or will be married! Basically, it’s a book that appeals to anyone and everyone, and I can’t recommend it enough!
I walked away from this book with a…
· deeper appreciation for how men and women are physically wired for sex.
· better understanding of sexual desire in myself and my spouse.
· deeper awareness of the need for me and my spouse to talk about sex with the aim of mutual pleasure.
· renewed determination to believe the best of my spouse.
· reinforced belief that sex is a glue that strengthens us as a couple while simultaneously serving as a beautiful erotic playground.
In addition to the list, this book also gives the gift of self-awareness. While painful, there is something liberating about self-awareness. In the context of this book, being honest about ourselves sexually gives us the freedom to set a path from where we are to where we want to be.
Toward the end of the book Feldhahn and Systma say, “Making sex good for both partners, and full in both body and spirit, is the ultimate goal of this book.” I love this quote because that “ultimate goal” is reflected throughout this book.








