Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think Paperback – May 8, 2012

I just finished reading the book, and then read through all the negative reviews. Basically, my sense is that all of those who wrote negative reviews misunderstood what the book is about, and instead focused on single statements taken out of context.

First: This book does NOT tell you that you should just put your child in front of the television all the time, because your parenting makes no difference. It also doesn't tell you that you should feed your kids fast foods, stop monitoring them altogether, or otherwise neglect them, because it won't matter. This is NOT what the book is about. The fast food and TV instances that (defensive sounding?) people seem to cling to like a last straw are given as examples in specific cases: If both you and your child are stressed out, and you're trying to force the kid to do something they don't want to do because YOU think it's important for their future (e.g. practice violin or go to ballet class), and you're stressed and screaming at them to do it, and no one's happy, THAT'S when the book suggests to relax, take an hour for yourself, and let the TV babysit. The idea is that a relaxed, happy parent, is FAR more important to a child's long term well being than an hour of ballet. And any parent who's ever been stressed (i.e., ALL parents), know that their stress does not rub off very well on the kids.

Second: This book doesn't say that parenting doesn't matter AT ALL. It says that REASONABLE parenting, with love, affection, attention, and fun times spent together is sufficient to let your child make the most of their potential. You do not have to be a SUPER parent, just a loving attentive normal parent, to achieve the same results.

Third: This book doesn't say everyone should have more children. The guy is very much a libertarian who believes in personal choices. What the book is saying is, if you think you might have liked more kids (or kids period) but ruled it out for very specific reasons, that he then outlines, THEN, you should rethink those reasons. Those reasons, among others listed in the book, include (1) if you think parenting is all about stress (it says you can be more relaxed, and explains why), (2) if you dread the early years (they pass quickly), (3) if you think that for a kid to be the best they can be, they need ALL of your free time and constant attention (they don't). If you hate kids, it doesn't claim you should have them anyway. If you've always only wanted 2 kids for whatever reason, it doesn't say you should have 3 or 4, it's just asking you to consider why you want 2, and if your reason is one of the ones listed, to rethink it.

Forth: The science stated in the book is SOUND. Those are REAL studies with REAL results. He also quotes twin/adoption studies that show small effects of nurture, but those effects are always small/not replicated in larger studies. You can look up the publications yourselves. ([...]

Fifth: Whatever variations are NOT accounted for by genetics, are probably driven by epigenetics (not mentioned), parental nurture, and social (outside the house) nurture. But those are the SMALLER part of the equation, the variations are driven MOSTLY by genetics.

Sixth and Last: This book does *not* claim, and I repeat, does *not* claim, that all you do as a parent doesn't matter. It absolutely states, gives personal anecdotes, and points out studies that confirm that what parents do DOES matter in the short run, where short run can be years, basically as long as the kids LIVE in the home, or just left it. If you teach your child to be polite, they'll be polite. If you don't, they probably won't be. What the book IS saying, is that in the LONG RUN, into their 30s and later, THAT is when your upbringing with begin to fade away. It doesn't matter how you bring up your kids, they're likely to end up with roughly the same earning power, roughly the same IQ, roughly the same level of happiness, and a couple of other measures, whether or not you insisted on taking them to ballet class when they objected, or to practice team sports even though they hated it. And THIS is why the book says (see point 1), RELAX. Have FUN with your kids, rather than stress them and yourself out over activities neither one of you is enjoying. Give them your attention when you're happy and relaxed, and if you need to let them watch TV for an hour to get some quiet time for yourself so that YOU can relax, and then spend QUALITY time with them, allow yourself to do that. You won't be hurting your kid's future income.

I am giving the book 4 only stars because I think the chapter of mock conversations is ridiculous and boring and feels like a space filler, because I think he didn't always do a great job of emphasizing some important points, and because I think he should have at least mentioned epigenetics, which likely explain most of the variations in personality between identical twins raised together (basically, conditions in the womb determine later gene expression, and twins never experience the same conditions, one is always more squeezed that the other).

Lastly, I'd like to mention that I also think his idea for how potential grandparents could maximize odds of getting grandchildren (or more grandchildren) is amusing and makes some very good points.

Are kids really as expensive as we may make them out to be? Well, that depends, but in "Selfish Reasons To Have More Kids", Bryan Caplan's central argument is that kids cost the average person less than they think. For the most part, his argument is quite convincing.

While "Selfish Reasons To Have More Kids" is a book worth reading, it's not a book without flaws. I didn't find Caplan's arguments in support of genetic engineering and cloning to be very convincing. Just because we have the technology to do something doesn't mean we ought to. Caplan fails to consider the possibility that there may be devastating unintended consequences from such technology that we cannot predict.

Lots of books influence my thinking, but few books influence my thinking about such important life decisions. I'm not sure if I really will end up having more kids because I read this book. At the same time, Caplan's arguments are very persuasive. If you are questioning your decision to have children, this book will help put your worries at ease.

Some additional thoughts:

1. I have had many many conversations that have been inspired by this book.
2. There is a pretty weak chapter early in the book that provides generic parenting advice. Don't let that turn you off for the rest of the book.
3. If you regularly read Caplan's blog, don't worry. There is plenty of new stuff in this book.

When one goes searching for a children's book, is it truly to gain knowledge? Or is it an effort purely to encase one's own preexisting ideology in paper and ink? Yes, it is very true; that, like political ideology, parental ideology is incredibly varied in the world, yet the individual who holds that belief believes only their way is the truly correct way to raise a child.

This is not your Run-of-the-Mill parenting guides; no, the book "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids" is one that both affirms and eviscerates our most seemingly-concrete ideas about child rearing, and challenges the notion of "it has always been that way; therefore, it's true" with neutral and exhaustive facts.

Now to be clear, this book is NOT a child-rearing manual (although it certainly could be a good substitution for one). It more deals with child-rearing on a much more macro-scale. You won't be given specific advice on specific problems, just the tools to think "what effect would this style of parenting ACTUALLY have", leaving the individual choices still in the hands of the individual.

As that may be, this book will still challenge some very sure and very prideful parents

The book does contain plenty of opinion. The opinion presented by the author is obvious to itself, and in no way distorts the facts. As a result, the book reads far more as a piece of research (well, actually a compilation of researches) than as a piece of opinion. Sometimes, this will cause the reading to gain a sense of dryness. I don't feel that is a bad thing, as the only reason the book comes of as dry is usually because, in areas where the author could have intertwined his own opinion, he does not. Instead, the book presents a logical conclusion and follows it with a string of consecutive facts.

And that is the main staple of this book: "logic". This book is in no way "enlightened", "politically correct", or anything that can be considered "mainstream". Hell, the content of this book has inflamed many of those around me to whom I have quoted an excerpt or two to. The information presented is a summary of real-world facts and figures that actually do have an impact on a family-sized scale.