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The SECRET Principle to making Any Marriage Work! Ray's Reviews

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert Paperback – May 5, 2015

by John Gottman PhD (Author), Nan Silver (Author)

4.7 14,174 ratings

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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Over a million copies sold! “An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent—and long-lasting—marriage.”—Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages. John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.

Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy. Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.

Packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, this revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

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320 pages
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English
Publisher

Harmony
Publication date

May 5, 2015
Dimensions

5.21 x 0.67 x 8 inches
ISBN-10

9780553447712
ISBN-13

978-0553447712
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Popular Highlights in this book

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Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.”
Highlighted by 12,080 Kindle readers
Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.
Highlighted by 12,077 Kindle readers
At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.
Highlighted by 11,376 Kindle readers
Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.
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The key is learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority.
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From the Publisher

Explore these ...seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a long-lasting relationship.


	Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage	The Man’s Guide to Women	The Relationship Cure	And Baby Makes Three

Customer Reviews	580	1,910	1,582	567
Price	$12.34	$16.59	$9.99	$11.97
	Vital tools—scientifically based and empirically verified—that you can use to regain affection and romance lost through years of ineffective communication.	Unlocks the mystery of how to attract, satisfy, and succeed with a woman for a lifetime. For the first time ever, there is a science-based answer to the age-old question: What do women really want in a man?	A powerful, simple five-step program, based on twenty years of innovative research, for greatly improving all of the relationships in your life—with spouses and lovers, children, siblings, and even your colleagues at work.	Helps new parents positively manage the strain that comes along with their bundle of joy.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent -- and long-lasting -- marriage."
-- Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

"Gottman stays refreshingly down to earth, rather than on Mars and Venus."
-- Bill Marvel and Geoffrey Norman, American Way

"Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he's got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic."
-- Newsweek

"Twenty-five years of landmark marital research."
-- USA Today

"Offers something every relationship can benefit from."
-- Seattle Post-Intelligencer

"Astonishing new research!"
-- Woman's World

"Debunks many myths about divorce . . . reveals surprising facts . . . enlightening!"
-- Amazon.com

About the Author

JOHN GOTTMAN, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, is emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington; executive director of his laboratory, the Relationship Research Institute; and cofounder of the Gottman Institute. He held an NIMH research scientist career award for twenty years. Dr. Gottman is the author of more than two hundred professional journal articles and forty-two books, as well as the recipient of numerous prestigious awards for his extensive contributions to marriage and family research.

NAN SILVER is a former editor in chief of Health magazine and coauthor, with Dr. Gottman, of What Makes Love Last: and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages
It's a surprisingly cloudless Seattle morning as newlyweds Mark and Janice Gordon sit down to breakfast. Outside the apartment's picture window, the waters of Montlake cut a deep-blue swath, while runners jog and geese waddle along the lakeside park. Mark and Janice are enjoying the view as they munch on their French toast and share the Sunday paper. Later Mark will probably switch on the football game while Janice chats over the phone with her mom in St. Louis.

All seems ordinary enough inside this studio apartment--until you notice the three video cameras bolted to the wall, the microphones clipped talk-show style to Mark's and Janice's collars, and the Holter monitors strapped around their chests. Mark and Janice's lovely studio with a view is really not their apartment at all. It's a laboratory at the University of Washington in Seattle, where for sixteen years I have spearheaded the most extensive and innovative research ever into marriage and divorce.

As part of one of these studies, Mark and Janice (as well as forty-nine other randomly selected couples) volunteered to stay overnight in our fabricated apartment, affectionately known as the Love Lab. Their instructions were to act as naturally as possible, despite my team of scientists observing them from behind the one-way kitchen mirror, the cameras recording their every word and facial expression, and the sensors tracking bodily signs of stress or relaxation, such as how quickly their hearts pound. (To preserve basic privacy, the couples were monitored only from nine a.m. to nine p.m. and never while in the bathroom.) The apartment comes equipped with a fold-out sofa, a working kitchen, a phone, TV, VCR, and CD player. Couples were told to bring their groceries, their newspapers, their laptops, needlepoint, hand weights, even their pets--whatever they would need to experience a typical weekend.

My goal has been nothing more ambitious than to uncover the truth about marriage--to finally answer the questions that have puzzled people for so long: Why is marriage so tough at times? Why do some lifelong relationships click, while others just tick away like a time bomb? And how can you prevent a marriage from going bad--or rescue one that already has?

Predicting Divorce with 91 Percent Accuracy
After years of research I can finally answer these questions. In fact, I am now able to predict whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way. I can make this prediction after listening to the couple interact in our Love Lab for as little as five minutes! My accuracy rate in these predictions averages 91 percent over three separate studies. In other words, in 91 percent of the cases where I have predicted that a couple's marriage would eventually fail or succeed, time has proven me right. These predictions are not based on my intuition or preconceived notions of what marriage "should" be, but on the data I've accumulated over years of study.

At first you might be tempted to shrug off my research results as just another in a long line of newfangled theories. It's certainly easy to be cynical when someone tells you they've figured out what really makes marriages last and can show you how to rescue or divorce-proof your own. Plenty of people consider themselves to be experts on marriage--and are more than happy to give you their opinion of how to form a more perfect union.

But that's the key word--opinion. Before the breakthroughs my research provided, point of view was pretty much all that anyone trying to help couples had to go on. And that includes just about every qualified, talented, and well-trained marriage counselor out there. Usually a responsible therapist's approach to helping couples is based on his or her professional training and experience, intuition, family history, perhaps even religious conviction. But the one thing it's not based on is hard scientific evidence. Because until now there really hasn't been any rigorous scientific data about why some marriages succeed and others flop.

For all of the attention my ability to predict divorce has earned me, the most rewarding findings to come out of my studies are the Seven Principles that will prevent a marriage from breaking up.

Emotionally Intelligent Marriages
What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren't smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.

I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just five minutes.

Recently, emotional intelligence has become widely recognized as an important predictor of a child's success later in life. The more in touch with emotions and the better able a child is to understand and get along with others, the sunnier that child's future, whatever his or her academic IQ. The same is true for relationships between spouses. The more emotionally intelligent a couple--the better able they are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage--the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after. Just as parents can teach their children emotional intelligence, this is also a skill that a couple can be taught. As simple as it sounds, it can keep husband and wife on the positive side of the divorce odds.

Why Save Your Marriage?
Speaking of those odds, the divorce statistics remain dire. The chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67 percent. Half of all divorces will occur in the first seven years. Some studies find the divorce rate for second marriages is as much as 10 percent higher than for first-timers. The chance of getting divorced remains so high that it makes sense for all married couples--including those who are currently satisfied with their relationship--to put extra effort into their marriages to keep them strong.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ 0553447718
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Harmony; Revised ed. edition (May 5, 2015)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 320 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9780553447712
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0553447712
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.21 x 0.67 x 8 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #857 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2 in Conflict Management
- #2 in Marriage
- #6 in Love & Romance (Books)

Customer Reviews:
4.7 14,174 ratings

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Nan Silver
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Nan Silver is an author, journalist and editor who specializes in parenting, relationships, psychology and health. With Dr. John Gottman, she is co-author of the newly released What Makes Love Last? as well as the New York Times bestseller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. She is also the author of Rules for Parents, a collection of entertaining edicts about modern parenting. Amazon’s review concluded: “Silver maintains a witty, conversational tone that makes for a quick and memorable read. This Mommy could do a mean stand-up routine.” Her magazine credits include stints as editor-in-chief of Health magazine, contributing editor at Parents magazine and a wide assortment of feature articles and columns. She has been a married Mom and a single Mom and has two amazing kids who make her look like a better parent than she is (except when they don’t).
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John Mordechai Gottman
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John Gottman, Ph.D., is world-renowned for his work on relationship stability and divorce prediction, involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He was recently voted one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the PsychoTherapy Networker publication. His 35 years of breakthrough research on marriage, relationships and parenting has earned him numerous major awards.
He is the author of 190 published academic articles and author or co-author of 40 books. Dr. Gottman is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute where he currently teaches weekend workshops for couples and training workshops for clinicians. He is the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute, where programs have been developed for parents transitioning to parenthood and are beginning a new research project on treatment for Domestic Violence. Dr. Gottman is also in private practice in Seattle and sees couples for weekly and intensive marathon therapy sessions.
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John Gottman
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World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, and Psychology Today. Together with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, he is founder of The Gottman Institute and creator of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a research-based approach to strengthening relationships.
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John Gottman PhD
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Customer reviews

14,174 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the information in the book useful, applicable, and insightful. They describe it as an excellent book for couples in relationships of any strength. Readers mention the book is easy to read with many exercises. They appreciate the discussion guide, which includes practical questionnaires and quizzes. Customers say it's worth the investment and helpful for discussing and resolving marital conflicts.

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Information quality Book for couples Readability Fun exercises Discussion guide Value for money Conflict resolution Ease of application

360 customers mention "Information quality"355 positive5 negative

Customers find the information in the book useful, applicable, and excellent. They say it provides excellent analysis and descriptions of both success. Readers also mention the exercises and principles are excellent tools.

"...life examples, scores of self-examination questionnaires, and lots of practical things a couple can do to discover and understand each other better,..." Read more

"Classic relationship and marriage book, useful advice, good gift for any couple" Read more

"...Good examples and great concepts for engaging and even better points for thinking about ones self and how to handle yourself...." Read more

"...Again: useful points, at moments irritating execution." Read more

130 customers mention "Book for couples"130 positive0 negative

Customers find the book excellent for couples in relationships of any strength. They say it provides great examples and activities for couples. Readers mention it helps spice up their marriage. Additionally, they say it's perfect for any newlywed or any couple in general.

"Classic relationship and marriage book, useful advice, good gift for any couple" Read more

"Great book for marriage and relationships desiring marriage. Great tool to use before and during! Has helped with communication and understanding!" Read more

"It provides great examples and activities for couplesA bit long at times, with many examples and anecdotes sometimes similar to each other." Read more

"...it’s something we always find ourselves reading again. it’s perfect for any newlywed or any couple in general." Read more

104 customers mention "Readability"97 positive7 negative

Customers find the book easy to read with many exercises. They say it's free of jargon and is well-written. Readers also appreciate the specific steps and examples.

"...Not only is it easy to read and follow (and even has some humor), it has excellent true life examples, scores of self-examination questionnaires,..." Read more

"...It’s a well thought out book that will help change things in your marriage if you really try to understand what the author is talking about...." Read more

"...I love the structure and the applications that are so easy to use. 10/10 would recommend for any couple as these are tools to use forever!" Read more

"Easy to read and follow. I recommend this product!" Read more

46 customers mention "Fun exercises"41 positive5 negative

Customers find the exercises in the book simple and fun. They say it offers great activities and tips for therapy and ways to improve marriage. Readers also mention the book is interactive and fascinating on many levels.

"...Good examples and great concepts for engaging and even better points for thinking about ones self and how to handle yourself...." Read more

"...It has helped me see things from different perspectives. I love all of the topics it covers, it really helped keep my attention...." Read more

"...It is practical, has exercises to do, and deepens knowledge of your mate. It is an excellent resource...." Read more

"...But it was still fascinating on many levels, and a good enhancement for the class...." Read more

42 customers mention "Discussion guide"42 positive0 negative

Customers find the discussion guide full of practical exercises and examples. They appreciate the quizzes that help couples understand. Readers also appreciate the sections that include suggested conversation starters and ways to identify individual issues. Additionally, they say the book helps them understand dynamics in their marriage and identify areas in their personality that they need to work on for their marriage.

"...it has excellent true life examples, scores of self-examination questionnaires, and lots of practical things a couple can do to..." Read more

"...Dr. Gottman’s expertise, compassionate approach, and actionable advice make “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” an essential read for anyone..." Read more

"...I love the structure and the applications that are so easy to use. 10/10 would recommend for any couple as these are tools to use forever!" Read more

"...The book includes practical questionnaires and exercises that I find valuable and helpful...." Read more

19 customers mention "Value for money"16 positive3 negative

Customers find the book worth the investment. They mention it's worth keeping and reading time and again.

"...the best deal that I have ever found for less than ten dollars, money well spent." Read more

"...'myths about marriage' in the first chapter was eye-opening and worth the cost of the whole book..." Read more

"...Definitely worth the investment." Read more

"...I think its worth keeping and reading time and time again. Both me and my husband thought it was great." Read more

17 customers mention "Conflict resolution"17 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for discussing and resolving marital conflicts. They say it highlights the importance of fostering positive interactions and teaching anyone how to overcome their differences. Readers also mention the book opens their relationships to deeper conversations and is great for anyone dealing with conflict in their relationship. They appreciate the empathy and teachings on forgiveness and communication.

"...Dr. Gottman’s expertise, compassionate approach, and actionable advice make “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” an essential read for anyone..." Read more

"...the bad habits, relationship-building skills, and conflict -resolution skills are universal...." Read more

"...We both feel lighter & happier & way more positive about our marriage and the future...." Read more

"...It teaches anyone how to overcome their differences and gives great exercises on how to enhance those skills...." Read more

13 customers mention "Ease of application"0 positive13 negative

Customers find the book too time-consuming and difficult to put into practice. They also say it's hard to follow when reading and at times irritating. Readers mention the book could have been much more concise and underwhelming.

"...Again: useful points, at moments irritating execution." Read more

"...But for the rest of it, I found it to be way too time consuming, and actually found "The 5 Love Languages" to be a much more helpful book..." Read more

"...Probably my only complaint would be that it's hard to do the exercises at the end of every chapter when you read it on audiobook... But that can be..." Read more

"I thought this book has a slow start so initially it was a bit boring to read...." Read more

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DD

Get. This. Book.

Reviewed in the United States on September 8, 2024

Verified Purchase

I was a bit apprehensive that even though Dr. Gottman is well renowned for his methodology, the book would be very clinical and full of Dr. speech, and, well, boring. Not only is it easy to read and follow (and even has some humor), it has excellent true life examples, scores of self-examination questionnaires, and lots of practical things a couple can do to discover and understand each other better, and learn to enjoy and love each other more. And, all this is backed by clinical observations - not just some theory.

7 people found this helpful

Helpful

Dupont Quant

Classic relationship and marriage book

Reviewed in the United States on September 4, 2024

Verified Purchase

Classic relationship and marriage book, useful advice, good gift for any couple

Reviewed in the United States on September 18, 2024

Verified Purchase

Worth every minute of putting thought and effort, this book will point out things we do without thinking about doing them. Good examples and great concepts for engaging and even better points for thinking about ones self and how to handle yourself. First and foremost you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of your relationship, even if only one person is reading this book, it will still help and I highly recommend this.

2 people found this helpful

Helpful

Autumn

Useful info but repetitive

Reviewed in the United States on November 24, 2023

Verified Purchase

I sometimes have the problem with self-help books that the point could’ve been made with about 1/5 the amount of words/space used, and this book is no different. The amount of research Dr Gottman has done, and his accuracy predicting divorce, is mentioned constantly. This began to annoy me after about the third time as I really didn’t need to be sold on his expertise and experience (or reminded). Much of the book is exercises for couples, which might be useful, but I read this on my own. Again: useful points, at moments irritating execution.

37 people found this helpful

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Jane in Milwaukee

Interim Review: 7/2/2017:

Reviewed in the United States on July 2, 2017

Verified Purchase

Seeing a marriage counselor and he said he uses this book and its tenets all the time because it's so effective, based on scientific research. I got one each for my husband and myself. We enjoyed doing the exercises at the end of Chapter 4. I read the hopeful parts of the book, the truly practical things couples do to improve and enrich their marriages and, thus, their lives.

Sadly, then I read the chapter on "why couples don't make it." Shoot...they mostly apply to us. I analyze and nag too much, my husband is critical and snide all the time and we've let our friendship dwindle to low ebb. We've been married for over 2 decades and it's hard to see us change enough and in enough time to avoid divorce. We're both that miserable.

The beauty of the book is that it provides excellent analysis and descriptions of both success and failure in marriage: literally, the author and all professionals who apply these principles can predict whether or not a couple will be able to resolve their conflicts successfully or not within a very short period of time based on how they treat each other. Certainly, the marriages that can seem destined to failed can be turned around if both spouses embrace the process and are willing to work on THEMSELVES and not so much try to "fix" their spouses. So clearly explained, all problems (and ALL marriages encounter problems...you newlyweds are kidding yourselves if you don't believe this) can be divided into the Solvable and Unsolvable.

Obviously, by definition, most Solvable Problems can be solved. And it doesn't have to be that Unsolvable Problems lead inevitably to divorce. Sometimes the problem can't be changed by either party such as one becoming ill with cancer or diabetes and the other can't abide having a spouse who is ill. But even having a "mixed marriage" such as 2 conflicting religions can be worked out if they ignore their families' and friends' condemnation and agree to adhere to either or both religions--together or separately--and doing the same for children.

Even couples who can't agree on whether or not to have children or cannot procreate themselves to the sorrow of either or both spouses can be resolved well enough to stay together and be happy. If nothing else, Unsolvable Problems can make the marriage stronger if the parties turn to each other in love and for support instead of turning away from each other in anger or sorrow.

It's all a matter if you require to get your own way on every issue or allow yourself to build up ginormous resentment by always being the one who caves in to your spouse's demands, supposedly just to keep the peace. That's not a peaceful existence.

Right now, I'm not sanguine that it'll work but my husband and I will both give it the ol' college try. I'll keep you posted.

1,310 people found this helpful

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Ashley S

Great read

Reviewed in the United States on July 5, 2024

Verified Purchase

I honestly love this book. It has helped me see things from different perspectives. I love all of the topics it covers, it really helped keep my attention. It’s a well thought out book that will help change things in your marriage if you really try to understand what the author is talking about. The book looks exactly like the picture and I am very pleased overall. Will definitely be recommending this book.

7 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

Amazon Customer

Great read

Reviewed in Canada on December 10, 2023

Verified Purchase

Very straight forward points and a great read whether your relationship is in trouble or not. Definitely beneficial for conflict resolution but you and your spouse must be receptive to change and consistently putting in effort.

2 people found this helpful

Kayla

Highly recommend to everyone

Reviewed in Mexico on February 6, 2023

Verified Purchase

Whether you're married, in a relationship, or single - I highly recommend to all. This book gives you healthy and essential communication skills to understand and receive one another with compassion and acceptance.

Andrea

excellent book - just doesnt work if u r married to a covert narcissist

Reviewed in Brazil on July 14, 2022

Verified Purchase

the book is amazing and if you are not married to a pathological liar and covert narc, i am sure it can even help couples...easy read and excellent exercises

One person found this helpful

VANESSA STRAW

The Best Book on Marriage I’ve Ever Read

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 6, 2024

Verified Purchase

If you only read one book about marriage, make it this one. The information in it is worth taking on board, and it’s based on many years of research.

Negar

Nice book for couples

Reviewed in Belgium on April 30, 2024

Verified Purchase

Nice and useful

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About the authors

Nan Silver

John Mordechai Gottman

John Gottman

John Gottman PhD

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