- Paperback: 271 pages
- Publisher: Harmony; 1 edition (May 16, 1999)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0609805797
- ISBN-13: 978-0609805794
- Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.6 x 8 inches
- Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces
- Average Customer Review: 911 customer reviews
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #12,578 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert Paperback – May 16, 2000
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According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.
Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)
Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."
Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --Erica Jorgensen --This text refers to the Audio CD edition.
"Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he's got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic." ---Newsweek --This text refers to the Audio CD edition.
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Top customer reviews
That's why I recommend reading <i>Seven Principles</i> with a highlighter in hand. You can mark the passages in which Gottman gives specific advice/instruction so that when you revisit the book you can quickly skip over the filler. (The filler consists of examples and discussion of how research methods. You really only need to read those parts once. Identifying the applicable parts of the book quickly will help facilitate your revisiting the book for advice over time.)
My partner and I both have a copy and both read it regularly. We participate in the exercises and reflect our actions and reactions against the principles laid out in the book. It's a hands on book. It doesn't just suggest what to say or do, but has exercises that provide a framework to learn more about your partner.
My partner isn't just the love of my life, but he is my best friend. I don't credit "The Seven Principles..." for making us great companions, but it certainly has helped to strengthen us and keep us such.
Whether you're straight or gay, married or dating, just starting out or 20 years deep, I strongly believe this book will be as helpful to you as it has been to me.
most relationship books are based on a lot of theory of principles, but this books actually approaches relationship from a more science observation perspective. there are more statistics and numbers presented in this book than others.
this is a great book for couples and something i strongly recommend to all my married friends.
Most recent customer reviews
by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver is as follows: