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Sh*t My Dad Says Hardcover – May 4, 2010
| Justin Halpern (Author) Find all the books, read about the author, and more. See search results for this author |
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After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair," has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:
"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them."
"Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking."
"The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."
More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.
- Print length176 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherIt Books
- Publication dateMay 4, 2010
- Dimensions0.65 x 5.75 x 7.35 inches
- ISBN-100061992704
- ISBN-13978-0061992704
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Editorial Reviews
Amazon.com Review
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My dad is an avid reader, and all throughout my childhood he’d come home after working for 12 hours and we’d sit on the couch and read together. My family’s trip to the Grand Canyon in 1983 was one of only two family vacations we took. It coincided with the time when my dad started to lose his hair, and decided he'd wear hats to mask his increasing baldness. It wasn’t long before he changed his tune, tossed the caps, and decided he didn’t care what anyone else thought.
Review
Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very real. It’s refreshing at a time when we’re all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a single person with common sense.” — Janet Evanovich, Time Magazine
“This book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society.” — Chelsea Handler
“Shoot-beer-out-your-nose funny.” — Maxim
“A fun gift book that is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it.” — Los Angeles Times
“If you’re wondering if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes.” — Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like
“Read this unless you’re allergic to laughing.” — Kristen Bell
“Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching―and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.” — Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club
“Justin Halpern’s dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He’s brilliant, and his son’s book is absolutely hilarious.” — A.J. Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All
From the Back Cover
After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair," has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:
"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them."
"Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking."
"The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."
More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.
About the Author
Justin Halpern is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Sh*t My Dad Says, inspired by his massively popular Twitter feed. SPOILER ALERT: He lives with his wife in Los Angeles.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Shit My Father Says
By Justin HalpernHarperCollins
Copyright © 2010 Justin HalpernAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-06-199270-4
Chapter One
?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa wants to sleep in the same room as you??
In the summer of 1987, when I was six years old, my cousin got married
on a farm in Washington State. My family lived in San Diego,
and my dad decided there was no way he was paying a thousand
dollars for himself, my mother, my two brothers, and me to fly up
the coast.
?Why am I going to pay two hundred dollars so a six-year-old can
see a wedding?? he said to my mother. ?You think that?s a moment
Justin cares about? Two years ago he was still shitting in his pants. If
everyone has to go, we?re driving.?
And so we did. I squished in between my two older brothers?
Dan, who was sixteen at the time, and Evan, fourteen and gangly?
in the backseat of our ?82 Thunderbird. My mom rode shotgun, and
my dad took the wheel as we began the 1,800-mile trip up to Washington.
We made it about four miles before my brothers and I started
tormenting one another, which mostly consisted of them hitting me
and saying stuff like, ?How come you?re sitting like a gay? I bet it?s
?cause you?re a gay.? My dad dramatically swerved off to the side of
the road, tires squealing in our wake, and whipped his head around
to the three of us.
?You listen to me. I?m not going to deal with any of your bullshit,
understand? We will all behave like human fucking beings.?
But we didn?t. There was no way we could have. This wasn?t
a situation that ?human fucking beings? were built for. We were
five people,
three of us males under the age of seventeen, sitting
a half-inch from one another for sixteen hours a day as the seemingly
endless highway inched by. This was not a normal sightseeing
family vacation. It was like we were running from the law: We
drove all day and all night, growing more and more sweaty and on
edge by the hour, with my dad regularly making desperate comments
to himself like, ?We just gotta fucking get there, it can?t be
that much farther.?
More than a day and a half later, after twenty-four hours of driving,
we made it to Olympia, Washington, where we met our extended
family in the lobby of a hotel. In total, about sixty of us Halperns were
staying there, including my ninety-year-old grandpa, my dad?s father.
A quiet but tough guy, he hated when people made a big deal about
him. He had run a tobacco farm in Kentucky until he was seventy-
five, and just because he was older now, he wasn?t about to start
accepting help where, in his opinion, it wasn?t necessary.
My family had reserved a block of hotel rooms, each to be shared
by two people,
but no one had been assigned to a specific room yet.
My brothers quickly decided they would share a room with each
other, and my mom and dad would obviously share one, which left
me without a partner. For some reason, all my adult relatives thought
?it would just be so cute? if I shared a room with Grandpa. Grandpa
had stayed with us in San Diego before, and I remembered that he
always kept a bottle of Wild Turkey in his room, and would clandestinely
take a swig from time to time. Once when my brother Dan
caught him in the act, Grandpa shouted ?You got me!? and then
laughed hysterically. I also remembered that he needed help getting
out of bed but got really angry when anyone tried to assist him. There
was no way I wanted to share a room with Grandpa, but I kept my
concerns to myself because I figured my family would hate me for
being so unfriendly.
So, like any six-year-old who doesn?t want to do something, I
faked being sick, which attracted a lot more attention to me. Upon
hearing that I wasn?t feeling well, my aunts hurried me down the
carpeted hallway to my parents? room and burst into it like it was an
episode of ER.
?Okay, everyone calm down, goddamn it. Now leave, so I can
check out the boy,? my dad shouted. My aunts cleared out, leaving
the two of us alone. He looked me in the eye and felt my forehead
with his hand.
?You say you?re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you?ve come down
with a case of bullshit. You ain?t sick. What?s the problem here? We
just drove a goddamned continent, and I?m tired. Spit it out.?
?Everybody wants me to share a room with Grandpa, but I don?t
want to,? I replied.
?Well, what the fuck makes you think Grandpa wants to sleep in
the same room as you??
I hadn?t thought about that. ?I don?t know.?
?Well, let?s go ask him.?
We walked down the hallway to the room Grandpa had staked
out. He was busy getting ready for bed.
?Look here, Dad. Justin doesn?t want to share a room with you.
What do you think about that??
I cowered behind my dad?s leg, as he kept shoving me away
toward my grandfather to make me face him. Grandpa looked me in
the eye for a second.
?Well, I don?t want to share a room with him, neither. I want my
own room,? he said.
My dad turned and looked at me like he had just uncovered the
missing clue in a murder case. ?There you have it,? he said. ?Apparently
you?re no goddamned peach, either.?
?You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those
negotiations where we?ll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This
ends with you shitting in a toilet.?
On My First Day of Kindergarten
?You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad
news for you about the rest of life.?
On Accidents
?I don?t give a shit how it happened, the window is broken. . . . Wait, why is
there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened.
Let?s hear it.?
On My Seventh Birthday Party
?No, you can?t have a bouncy house at your birthday party. . . . What do you
mean why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-
damned bouncy house in our backyard? . . . Yeah, that?s right, that?s the kind
of shit I think about, that you just think magically appears.?
On Talking to Strangers
?Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don?t know them, run
away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they
can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.?
On Table Manners
?Jesus Christ, can we have one dinner where you don?t spill something? . . .
No, Joni, he does do it on purpose, because if he doesn?t, that means he?s just
mentally handicapped, and none of the tests showed that.?
On Crying
?I had no problem with you crying. My only concern was with the snot that
was coming out of your nose. Where does that go? On your hands, your shirt?
That?s no good. Oh, Jesus, don?t start crying.?
On Spending the Night at a Friend?s House for the First Time
?Try not to piss yourself.?
On Being Teased
?So he called you a homo. Big deal. There?s nothing wrong with being a
homosexual. No, I?m not saying you?re a homosexual. Jesus Christ. Now I?m
starting to see why this kid was giving you shit.?
On Feeling Comfortable in One?s Own Skin
?It?s my house. I?ll wear clothes when I want to wear clothes, and I?ll be naked
when I want to be naked. The fact that your friends are coming over shortly is
inconsequential to that?aka I don?t give a shit.?
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Shit My Father Saysby Justin Halpern Copyright © 2010 by Justin Halpern. Excerpted by permission of HarperCollins. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Product details
- Publisher : It Books; First Printing edition (May 4, 2010)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 176 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0061992704
- ISBN-13 : 978-0061992704
- Item Weight : 8.8 ounces
- Dimensions : 0.65 x 5.75 x 7.35 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #37,615 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #58 in Parenting & Families Humor
- #250 in Fiction Satire
- #1,653 in Memoirs (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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About the author

In the summer of 2009, Justin Halpern created a Twitter account as a way to archive his father's no-holds-barred, expletive-ridden words of wisdom. Within a month, @shitmydadsays became an Internet sensation. More than 2.5 million people currently follow Sam Halpern's musings on Twitter and Facebook alone.
Justin's first book, Sh*t My Dad Says (HarperCollins / ItBooks), a collection of essays about growing up with his unapologetically honest father, is a #1 New York Times bestseller.
Justin is also the creator of $#*! My Dad Says (WarnerBros/CBS), a sitcom starring William Shatner, Nicole Sullivan, Will Sasso, and Jonathan Sadowski. He serves as the show's co-executive producer along with his writing partner Patrick Schumacker.
Justin currently splits his time between Los Angeles and his parents' home in San Diego.
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When the author was 28 years old he was suddenly dumped by his girlfriend and needed a place to live when he made the decision to move back in with his mother and his then retired father. Working from his new "home" as a writer for Maxim Magazine gave him the time (an awful lot of time according to the author) to see his father through new, adult eyes. The terror that he had felt in his youth due to his father's "bluntness" began to be replaced by admiration for the only person that he had ever known who really spoke his mind without self-censorship. It was only then that he began to see the wisdom in his father's tersely worded observations and began posting them on his Twitter page with the same title as this book.
Because Mr. Halpern Sr. has the gift of being able to "swear with great expertise" I can't quote many of them on Amazon, but here are a few of my favorite PG rated quips:
ON THE DEATH OF OUR FIRST DOG
He was a good dog. Your brother is pretty broken up about it, so go easy on him. He had a nice last moment with Brownie before the vet tossed him in the garbage.
ON MY BLOODY NOSE
What happened? Did somebody punch you in the face?!... The what? The air is dry? Do me a favor and tell people you got punched in the face.
ON THE MEDICINAL EFFECT OF BACON
You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.
ON SHOPPING FOR PRESENTS FOR HIS BIRTHDAY
If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.
ON BEING ONE WITH THE WILDERNESS
I'm not sure you can call that roughing it son... Well, for one, there was a (EXPLETIVE) minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.
ON SILENCE
I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.
If you grew up with a Ward Cleaver type of father (or wish that you did) you may find Mr. Halpern's way of expressing himself to be crude, unfeeling, or even uncaring. Far from it. The author augments the pithy quotes (some recent, other's from his childhood) with brief essays that gives the reader a little more of the back story of this unique father-and-son relationship. Is it ideal? I have learned that, for me at least, the best way to judge someone's parenting is by the adult it produces. Justin Halpern's book reads to me as a love letter to a father that always tells it like it is and who made you who you are.
My father passed away at age 87 in 2008. At his wake (we are Irish after all so alcohol was involved) his former co-workers, friends and family paid tribute to him by telling our own little stories and quotes from a man who could be described as both taciturn and brutally honest. The recollections from my three brothers, my sons and myself included stories and things that my dad said that to the outside observer might have also seemed acerbic or even caustic, but to us it was the way that he showed us that he cared
This book is not for those addicted to a PC idea of what a father should be or for those who are easily offended by real life conversation. But if you, like me, value frank and seemingly brutal honesty (especially from someone who brought you into this world) this book will delight you as much as it has me. I only wish that I could give this to my dad for Father's Day. He would have laughed his (BLEEP) off!
The reader and the returning wayward twenty-eight-year-old son are greeted with the following: "ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU PICK UP YOUR (Note: Amazon would not publish this review the first time I submitted it because I used a word from the title of the book so I'm using a different word here.) "CRAP" SO YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR BEDROOM LOOKING LIKE IT WAS USED FOR A GANG BANG. ALSO, SORRY THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND DUMPED YOU." Justin initially entertains the reader with life in the here and now with his *ANALOGY-FLAME-THROWING-DAD*... and then quickly goes back to his childhood so that readers wouldn't naively think that this X-rated Will Rogers was just a result of old age. What is amazing is that this type of dialogue was an everyday thing in a two parent household. Having been a single Dad myself a lot of the conversation seems eerily familiar between Father and Son... but I didn't have a wife looking over my shoulder while I spouted similar words of wisdom to my son. One quote from Sam almost knocked me off the couch with laughter as I had said basically the same thing to my son fifteen years ago after *GETTING IN TROUBLE AT SCHOOL*: "WHY WOULD YOU THROW A BALL IN SOMEONE'S FACE?... HUH. THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD REASON. WELL, I CAN'T DO MUCH ABOUT YOUR TEACHER BEING (Note: Substituting actual word because of Amazon censors) "UPSET", BUT ME AND YOU ARE GOOD."
When son Justin complains to his Father about the injustice of his punishment Dad replies: "OH SPARE ME, BEING STUCK IN YOUR BEDROOM IS NOT LIKE PRISON. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING GANG-RAPED IN YOUR BEDROOM."
"On asking to have the candy passed to me during Schindler's list": "WHAT DO YOU WANT-THE CANDY? THEY'RE THROWING PEOPLE IN THE (NOTE: Amazon censors didn't like asterisks here so I'm substituting asterisks with) "blank" GAS CHAMBER, AND YOU WANT A SKITTLES?" "On the baseball steroids scandal": "PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED MARK McGWIRE DID STEROIDS? LOOK AT HIM! HE LOOKS LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE HIM IN A STALL ON DISPLAY AT THE FAIR WITH SOME POOR (Note: Amazon censors didn't like a three character abbreviation for an illegitimate child here so I substituted) "PERSON" CLEANING UP HIS (NOTE: Amazon censors didn't like me using a word from the actual title of the book so I am substituting). "Poo".
This entire book is an uproarious Father/Son classic... just don't be surprised at how small it is. Note: That's my comment as a reviewer... not part of one of Sam's sermons to his son.
Top reviews from other countries
In a bad mood? This book will remedy that!
One of the best gifts you can give someone.
A great book!!








