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Shaunti Feldhahn Couples Set - For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men , For Men Only, Revised and Updated Edition: A Straightforward Guide t Hardcover – 2013
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Can't figure out why men behave the way they do? Feldhahn's groundbreaking research reveals what the men in your life - boyfriends, brothers, husbands, sons, and fathers - are really thinking and feeling. Learn how to provide the loving support they want and need - but are reluctant to ask for. Updated edition includes a brand-new chapter on male emotions. 224 pages, hardcover.
If you're like most men, you've burned up lots of energy trying to figure out just what makes a woman tick and how you can make her happy. Don't keep guessing. In For Men Only, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn reveal the eye-opening truths and simple acts that will radically improve your relationship with the woman you love.
Now updated with the latest scientific research to explain the fabulous female brain plus an all-new chapter that shows how to decode her most baffling behavior, For Men Only is your roadmap to making her happy.
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The book is a very quick read. I was surprised at how small the book actually is; however the book is loaded with information. I liked that it was written from the women's perspective and that the author provided stories about her struggles with her husband. The information was very relatable, and I definitely had a couple of "ah-ha!" moments. There were passages that seemed to describe my husband perfectly. I am not very religious; however I was not turned off by the biblical references.
My question is, now what??! I am not sure how to implement changes to improve my marriage. The book explains that a husband absolutely needs to be respected and affirmed. There was a little guidance, but I need help with how to really implement changes. The lack of practical tips left me disappointed, but overall I thought the message of the book was very helpful. The survey results are undeniable and help me understand the importance of respect in a marriage.
My husband and I are stuck in a cycle of lack of respect on my part and lack of love on his part. I am very hurt and angry, but I want to better my marriage. I am going to try the following actions for the next 30 days to see if there is an improvement. I have not talked to my husband about this book yet, I am going to wait to see if I get results.
My 30-day action plan:
1) Always accept his opinion and judgement on a matter and only offer my opinion if asked
2) Initiate casual physical connections at least once a day (ie: rubbing shoulders, sitting next to on couch, etc.)
3) Initiate sex at least once a week
I will give an update regarding the results. I am unsure about item #1 above. I consider myself a modern feminist; however I know that my husband thinks that I am critical and demanding. I am hopeful that by acting more respectful that he will in turn actively seek out my opinion so we have an equal relationship. I certainly don't have anything to lose at this point. I already thank him on a regular basis for important little things that he does to help with our child and around the house. I also tell him that I love him and always ask him about his day. (Wish he would do the same for me!) Any other tips would be appreciated!
We are definitely in a much better place in our relationship now compared to 30 days ago. I did not follow my plan exactly as I had intended, but I did make a lot of changes. I also learned a lot about how I treat my husband and how I need to continue to change.
Comments about my specific action plan steps:
1) I often forgot that my plan was to always accept his opinion. I need to work on this area. I have found that if I carefully listen to what he has to say, acknowledge what he has said, and then offer my two-cents - he is much more open to my opinion. Or if I wait awhile and then later offer my opinion, that works too. My DH just really wants to feel that he is heard and that his opinion is respected.
2) I often forgot to initiate casual physical connections until the very end of the day. I admit that it felt like a chore on my "to-do" list which is really horrible. It made me realize how much our relationship has changed from our early courtship to now being parents of a toddler. I am working on being more casually physical, and my DH seems to really appreciate it. He has been reciprocating quite a bit.
3) I only did this once the whole month. Epic fail on my part. I am committing to implementing this step during the next 30 days.
Although I was not successful at carrying out each action step - it did open my eyes in a big way. I realize that I can make a lot of positive changes in our relationship. I also realized that I critique my husband A LOT about things around the house that need to be done or should have been done differently. He NEVER critiques me. Literally, never. I would hate to be treated the way I treat him. So I am definitely working on making changes in that area too. If I continue to be aware of my actions, I am confident that things will continue to improve. I plan on talking to my DH at some point about the book, but I am waiting until we are on more solid ground.
Without having talked with my soon-to-be husband, I found the book incredibly insightful to not just my relationship with him, but also my relationship with men in general. The book is obviously geared toward married Christian women, of which I'm only half of at this time, but she writes that it could be for any woman to understand men better. Each of the chapters covers topics that men wish they could tell women, but just don't - and after reading them I understand why they don't want to bring these things up. It shows how what we do as women, how we treat our men, affects how they feel and find their value. Much of it wasn't a surprise to me, but a confirmation with practical applications. Often we hear these problems/topics but aren't given a practical way to deal with them or fix our involvement. Shaunti does that. She not only describes the topics and why men feel the way they do, but also what we can learn from it and how we should react.
My fiance and I have already started talking about our books, at a very high level, and I've already seen the positive outcomes. I've tried to incorporate bits and pieces along the way, and let me tell you: she was right! My man doesn't line up with everything she says, that's only natural given that these are somewhat generalizations, but it opens your eyes to what's going on in your relationship.
I also work with all men, and this book has allowed me to be more sensitive to their situations as leaders, with a women leading also, and my responses to build them up as my colleagues rather than tear them down in an effort to elevate myself. I have seen progress in my professional sphere as well, but more so in my romantic relationship with my fiance.