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George K. Simon

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In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People Paperback – January 1, 1996

by George K. Simon Jr. (Author)

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In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
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Whether it's your mate, your child, your boss, or a co-worker, if they know how to get the better of you and look good at the same time, you are being skillfully manipulated. To stop being a victim, you have to know how to spot these "wolves in sheep's clothing." Using case studies, Dr. Simon reveals the tactics manipulators like to use and tells you how to respond to them.

Print length

122 pages
Language

English
Publisher

A J Christopher & Co
Publication date

January 1, 1996
Dimensions

5.25 x 0.5 x 8.25 inches
ISBN-10

096516960X
ISBN-13

978-0965169608
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

George K. Simon, Jr. received his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University. He has studied manipulators and their victims for over 10 years and given numerous workshops and seminars on covert- aggressive personalities. Dr. Simon consults to various agencies and institutions and maintains a private practice.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

From the Introduction: Perhaps the following scenarios will sound familiar. A wife tries to sort out her feelings. She's mad at her husband for insisting their daughter make all "A"s. But she doubts she has the right to be mad. When she told him she thought he was being too demanding, his comeback "Shouldn't any good parent want their child to do well and succeed in life?" made her feel like the insensitive one. In fact, whenever she confronts him, she somehow ends up feeling like the bad guy herself. When she suggested there might be more to her daughter's problems than there appeared at first glance, and that the family should seek counseling, his retort "Are you saying I'm psychiatrically disturbed?" made her feel ashamed for asking. She often tries to assert her point of view, but always ends up giving in to his. Sometimes, she thinks the problem really is him, believing him to be selfish, ruthless and controlling. But this is a loyal husband, good provider and a respected member of the community. By all rights she shouldn't resent him. Yet, she does. So she constantly wonders if there isn't something wrong with her. A mother tries desperately to understand her daughter's behavior. No young girl, she thought, would threaten to leave home, say things like "Everybody hates me" and "I wish I were never born," unless she were very insecure, afraid, and probably depressed. Part of her thinks her daughter is still the same child who used to hold her breath until she turned blue or threw tantrums whenever she didn't get her way. After all, it seems she only says and does those things when she's facing discipline or is trying to get her way. But a part of her is afraid to believe that. "What if she really believes what she's saying?," she wonders. "What if I've really done something to hurt her and I just don't realize it?," she worries. She hates to be "bullied" by all the threats and emotional displays her daughter exhibits whenever she doesn't get what she wants. But she can't take the chance her daughter might really be hurting, can she? Besides, children don't bully unless underneath it all they really feel insecure or threatened in some way, do they? When you're being manipulated, chances are that someone is fighting with you for something but in a way that's difficult to see. Covert-aggression is the heart of manipulation.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ A J Christopher & Co; 2008th edition (January 1, 1996)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 122 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 096516960X
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0965169608
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 7.2 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.25 x 0.5 x 8.25 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #1,133,917 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #3,514 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)

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4.7 197 ratings

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George K. Simon

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Dr. George K. Simon is an internationally acclaimed authority on manipulators and other disturbed characters. He is a sought after speaker who has given numerous instructional seminars and made numerous radio and TV appearances, including on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News Channel, and HBO. His bestselling books include In Sheep's Clothing, Character Disturbance, The Judas Syndrome, How Did We End Up Here?, Lobos con Piel de Cordero, and Essentials for the Journey.

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taa

Best book for the layperson on this topic

Reviewed in the United States on April 24, 2004

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Written by someone who doesn't pass the blame, Simon tells it like it is. He puts the responsibility for abusive behavior squarely on the shoulders of the perpetrator. Controlling, manipulative people are free to make choices, but they choose narcissistic processes and outcomes. We must stop excusing their bad behavior and confront it.
Simon says (!) his readers have to take responsibility for their own lives; since they aren't likely to change their perpetrators' behaviors; victims must change the pattern of interaction with perpetrators---and that's the key.
His suggestions aren't just off-the-cuff remarks. They work! For instance, have you ever noticed how hard it is to think of what to say in the moment? How easily we can think of a perfect retort after the moment has passed? Simon's simple suggestion to say, "Will you please repeat that?" works wonders. It's just the break one needs to collect thoughts. Simultaneously, it throws the perpetrator off-base. They don't want to repeat themselves, particularly now that others might be listening more closely. Insults never come out the second time with the same conviction. Next, we're advised to repeat back the insult, such as, "You feel I am _____. Do I understand you correctly?" Being certain you understand the intentions of alleged perpetrators is important. Authors like Patricia Evans (Controlling People) see insults at every turn, her perpetrators typically being stereotypical men or "mothers". Sometimes words don't come out as intended. We don't need to do battle with those we misunderstand.
Once you grasp the accusation and have gathered enough facts to assess the situation, Simon advises you offer the perpetrator the option of taking the discussion into a more private session. It's easier to settle differences when not performing before an audience.
He goes futher with terrific insights and suggestions, but buy the book. It's the most helpful one I've ever read on the topic (and out of misery and desperation, I've read reams). I grew up in the home of a woman who made it clear to me she didn't love me; I walked into a horrendously abusive relationship right out of high school, then I moved on to a controlling husband for the past two decades. For the first time in my life, I understand why I perceive people are "always taking advantage of me". I've let them. Since I've been speaking up, I feel empowered and alive. This book saved my perspective, if not my life, without encouraging me to swing the pendulum too far in the opposite direction.

1,093 people found this helpful

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Chip Sams

An unfortunate necessity for performing arts professionals and church staff

Reviewed in the United States on August 14, 2007

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I am an acoustical and systems design consultant who specializes in the design and functional rehabilitation of worship and performing arts facilities. In my practice, I often encounter what should be easily resolved misunderstandings between technical staff, performers, committee members, and/or clergy, which instead turn into intractable standoffs, or endless sagas of intrigue and treachery. While I have been well-equipped to diagnose and prescribe solutions to technical problems for many years, I had been largely ill-equipped to interact with highly skilled manipulators, or to provide resources to ministry leaders who are often no better prepared for them than I once was, and who fall into many of the manipulative traps described in this book.

While not all such conflicts are the result of covert aggression, I do find that such behavior is disproportionately common in churches, for the same reasons that Simon observes. Church leaders tend to focus on the relational aspects of conflicts to the exclusion of the substance, and thereby make churches exceptionally vulnerable to the skilled manipulator, who is very adept at exploiting the good will of trusting but naive people. I have watched manipulators have a field day with such tactics as blame-shifting, playing victim, playing servant (while building an empire in plain view), slander campaigns against anyone wise to their motives, and most of the other tactics thrown in for good measure.

Covert aggression is also common in the secular performing arts, as many performers find that their character issues will be overlooked so long as other attributes, such as talent or popularity, are at least perceived to be present by key decision-makers. See also Rory Noland's excellent The Heart of the Artist . Those performers with covert aggressive personalities often gravitate to roles of artistic leadership, such as the conductor, director, producer, etc. Such people see themselves as having a birthright to be in charge, and once entrusted with a position of leadership, they will stop at nothing to build the most grandiose personal empire they can envision. Many of these attitudes and behavior patterns from the secular performing arts world have been transplanted into the worship arts world with only changes in pretext. In either place, they victimize the majority of sincere artists along with most of the other people that, through no fault of their own, come into contact with those few who are character-disordered.

So far, I have found Simon's book to be quite useful as an accessible but accurate introduction to this subject. It is the perfect book to put in the long-suffering victim's hands to help them understand what has really been happening in the nightmare they have been living. Once they have learned to recognize and name the offender's tactics, they can then try out some of the new tools they have been given to start changing the pattern of interaction with their abuser. It is also a necessary introduction for leaders who are called upon to correct these situations, especially when they are partly culpable due to having failed to exercise due discernment, and have unwittingly aided and abetted the manipulator. Finally, I believe that this book's greatest value is as a "vaccine" of knowledge to help potential future victims or unwitting enablers to identify manipulative behavior and "nip it in the bud."

I would urge every minister, church administrator, and lay leader, as well as every secular and religious artist, artistic leader, technical professional or volunteer, and technical leader, to buy and read this book as if your career depended on it - because it just might. Each of those listed above, as well as many others in today's working world, are just one bad hiring or promotion decision away from *needing* this book.

27 people found this helpful

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Sally Wilton

excellent little book to pass round

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 2, 2008

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This book is a bit short but packed with some very good advice.

I have returned to this book recently after reading quite a bit about Stalin. He must surely have been the most well known of all Sociopaths ever. His quiet charm hid a devious and probably psycopathic personality completely in line with the descriptions in this book.

The manipulative people known as sociopaths are sectioned into about 5 specific types with examples of how to identify them and how to deal with them.

The one thing I was pleased to have learned from reading this was how to identify a sociopath easily, which I can tell you here and now in one sentence:- 'They try to make you feel sorry for them' - think about it how many times we have all been duped by this sort of person, for example: The wife beater who cries tragically after his horrible behaviour saying "I didnt mean it and it won't happen again", The person who is perhaps a drinker or gambler and keeps coming back 'for the last time' to borrow money, The person in a reationship who says ' Nobody else understands me' pulling the heart strings, but plotting to achieve his/her own agenda on the side. Of course none of these people feel the slightest sympathy for their victims who suffer as a consequence of their self serving behaviour!!

Can be read in a very short time but it is useful to have and give to anyone who needs reassurance on whether or not they are being manipulated.

Well done to George Simon for all your excellent research.

15 people found this helpful

AM

helpful but...

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 22, 2009

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This is a very helpful book in identifying the various types of manipulation that exist - indeed much of the book is devoted to the various types that exist in all people. But, it's a bit thin on really getting to the bottom of the problem, a problem that the book itself highlights....which is to strengthen your own self. For that, and for a better understanding and complete strategy read, "When I say No, I feel Guilty" by Manuel J Smith. I think that the When I say no book is much more positive, and gives a very extensive 10 Bill of Rights to live by, keeping your focus on yourself, instead of your manipulator. The two books could work well together. In Sheeps Clothing as a good first step, and then WISN,IFG as the second and rest of your life final step.

30 people found this helpful

Egon

prepare your children with this book!

Reviewed in Canada on March 9, 2016

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George Simon's first book dealing with those Narcissists and Psychopaths you will have to deal with in life. A very good read! I hand these out to young naïve waitresses at various coffee shops; the ones who look like they are easy prey. Please also read his second book -"Character Disturbance: the phenomenon of our age." which was written 10 years after and is his most recent publication. Both are excellent and can be read separate or together in sequence.

One person found this helpful

Sunflower888

A must read if you are in doubt....

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 7, 2010

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This is a little book about 1cm thick. It's not the easiest style of writing to read, as lots of blocks of text. But once you get into it, and it's messages OMG it is REALLY REALLY HELPFUL. If you are in any doubt that you are dealing with manipulative people then I suggest you get this book, or even if you want to be able to spot them.

It's an excellent book, I felt I really understand and can spot these people now I have read the types of things and behaviours they can do. Buy it!

11 people found this helpful

mintymoor

much better on second reading

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 2, 2009

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I enjoyed this book more on the second and third reading. the book to me is really about manipulative people and he is very good at describing their tricks.

There were a couple of gaps. I am not any clearer as to why "covert aggressives" exist. is it social or genetic or both? what are the reasons some people have a limited or non-existent conscience? is it only because they are raised with selfish values in a selfish society, as he suggests?

One thing i found hard to swallow at first was his "win-win" scenario on dealing with such people. That it is very hard to "beat" someone with no consciensce who wants to play dirty. Surely, it is better to stand up and fight? However, the more i thought about it the more i came round to his view (at least with other adults), in a way you have to be a bit "canny" yourself before reacting, and protect yourself.

He wrote about the one-down condition of the "victim" too, that if you are or were in a vulnerable position in your life, you are particularly ready to be on the receiving end.

17 people found this helpful

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George K. Simon

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