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Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved Paperback – November 1, 2011
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Praise for Why Does He Do That?
“Bancroft has opened a window into the thinking of abusive men, and his book helps open a door out of abusive relationships.”—Gavin de Becker, New York Times bestselling author of The Gift of Fear and Fear Less
“This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men.”—Jay G. Silverman, PhD, director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health
“Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft’s book promises to be a beacon of calm for many storm-tossed families.”—Publishers Weekly
“Bancroft boldly asks—and brilliantly answers—the most important questions of all: Why do so many men abuse women? What can be done about it? This book is desperately needed and long overdue.”—Jackson Katz, creator of the award-winning video Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity
“This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended.”—Library Journal
“At last—the straight scoop on men who abuse women. This is a book not just for abused women and domestic violence professionals, but for everyone who wonders why there’s so much violence in America. Read it.”—Ann Jones, author ofWhen Love Goes Wrong and Next Time, She’ll Be Dead
“Bancroft helps women who feel trapped in unhealthy relationships make sense out of what is happening.”—Sarah Buel, JD, codirector, Domestic Violence Clinic, and lecturer, University of Texas Law School
“A compelling read about a tough topic. What you read here will come back to you long after you put the book down.”—Angela Browne, author of When Battered Women Kill
“An informative and necessary read.”—Susan Weitzman, PhD, author of Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages
About the Author
Lundy Bancroft has over twenty-five years of experience in the fields of abuse, trauma, and recovery. He has published five books, including the bestseller Why Does He Do That?, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?, When Dad Hurts Mom, The Batterer as Parent, and Should I Stay of Should I Go?. Lundy has worked with over 1000 abusive men in his counseling groups. He has also served extensively as a custody evaluator, child abuse investigator, and expert witness, and has presented to 350 audiences across the U.S. and abroad.
JAC Patrissi is the founder and former director of the Vermont Victim Assistance Academy. She facilitates the Growing a New Heart Retreat series for women healing from destructive relationships.
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Top customer reviews
After 27 years of searching for a solution to my marriage problems, I finally found the help I needed to make sense of my own behavior and to give up trying to get him to be different. The insights I gained are tremendous. The book helped me see that his suggestion that I "approach him properly" was a hook that led to the bottom of the pond. When defending myself strongly against his unreasonable jealousy, his unfair demands, domestic underfunctioning, distortions and lies did NOT make me guilty of abusing him, as he so vehemently claimed. How his running me in verbal circles and blaming me for running him in circles was just a tactic to exhaust me. I needed and appreciated much needed empathy for how and why I didnt just simply "jump out" and leave.
It helped me understand why I was able to tolerate a final year of angry explosions, open raging, infidelity and systematic social humiliation. It helped me understand and cope with my failure to get support from friends and family. It encouraged me to try with family and friends in a different way. When I finally had an emotional break, I took myself to a local office of HAWC, completely beside myself. Me? Asking for help and support from woman's help center? I make donations to that charity.
They lent me Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? That led me to this book. Because of the resonating humanity and clear understanding of what I have gone through, I am finally able to face the truth. It's not possible to "behave" in a way that would make my husband be nicer, more fair, more caring or more civil to me. Conventional strategies failed because he does not want our marriage to be different. He chooses to abuse me. I have to love myself the way I love him. I have to be a support to myself. I have to surround myself by people who agree I am worthy of love, care and compassion. I am using this book first to rebuild my outer and inner strength to have clear, strong boundaries with him to manage him out of my life. Step by step i will use the resources to disengage from this man who seems to possess an unending need to hook me for reasons that I may never fully understand and will eventually stop caring about completely.
Having found this book, I know I will be alright. I was once a proactive, energetic and vibrant woman. I will find myself again, likely much stronger and more powerful than before. As I end this review, it is my hope for our daughters and sons that Lundy Bancrofts books become a "must read" in the Health ciriculum in every middle school across the country.
If you are a woman who knows your destructive relationship is over, but you feel unable to determine if you should leave or not, this book will help. Most likely, you don't need help realizing the relationship is destructive and you don't really need help knowing how to leave. (If you want to explore all the ways that your partner is destructive, then this book will help you sort out your partner's types of destructive behavior.) Most women know how to go to the internet or local crisis center and find resources for leaving. This book will help you in the area that is most important. Bancroft and Patrissi will help you know that you gave it your all to make the relationship work before deciding to leave. The book will help you realize that a destructive partner is only going to change (if at all) after long, hard, dedicated work. No magic is involved.
If you are in a destructive relationship and you want to exhaust all possible avenues of creating change within the relationship, then this book is for you. This book will lovingly guide you through the steps to address your partner's destructive behavior in a healthy and safe way.
If you have been in a destructive relationship and you want to focus on yourself and find a way to build a new life, this book is for you too. The first part of the book will validate for you just how difficult it was to live with a destructive partner and keep your sanity and self- esteem intact. The second part of the book will give you exercises to start letting go of the pain so that you can start building the life that you want and deserve. You will realize that you are not alone with the struggle of healing from the harm caused by a destructive partner.