The Soul of Civility is an inspiring call to recover civility not as a tool or a means to an end but as a virtue and constant life practice for human flourishing. Author Alexandra O’Hudson effortlessly weaves together words of wisdom and colorful anecdotes from ancient philosophers, theologians, world rulers, and manners books to modern historians, politicians, humanitarians, and scholars to clearly demonstrate the necessity of civility– as opposed to oppressive politeness.
I grew up poor, in a community that acted with civic virtue and that held contempt for specific rules of politeness. Despite being a caring community, I’m not sure we ever thought of ourselves as acting with civility– I always perceived civility as the rules that rich people used to denigrate and patronize me. As I became an adult working in politics, I felt resentment against the rules that people called civility because I felt were used to discount my voice. It’s made me better at my job to empathize with the barriers perceived by many Reds and working-class Blues and over time, I’ve learned that many people use civility with the best of intent. Even so, I still chafed sometimes at the word, “civility.”
No more. The Soul of Civility restored warmth in my heart for the word and helped me reframe my previous frustration as properly being with the practice of politeness instead. “Politeness,” Alexandra writes, “can be and has been weaponized to penalize difference, oppress vulnerable populations and voices, and silence dissent.” It felt like she was speaking specifically to my experience. Conversely, practicing civility leads to “multidimensional human flourishing.” Civility, she argues, requires us to “combat our innate self-love, care for those in need, and show humanity to our friends and enemies alike.”
As a Christian, Alexandra convincingly argues for a society governed by “norms that subvert the ego” as Jesus Christ did– valuing “compassion and love for others” more highly than “complying with the rules of right conduct,” or in other words, “maintaining the spirit of the law over the letter of the law.” Subverting the ego and keeping our self-love at a level that enables us to maintain community with people across differences is not just a practice for Christians. Civic virtue is a timeless practice for community health, institutional stability, and relational warmth. Braver Angels ground rules (like the rule that we describe our own views and avoid characterizing the views of others) thrive under this idea. The point of our rules is not militant enforcement, each participant listening for someone to say something they think is polarizing or stereotyping. The goal is not perfect "politeness." Instead, the goal is to understand the “substance and motivation” behind a person’s words and actions while avoiding hypocrisy of our own.
The Soul of Civility should be a clarion call. In my time promoting civic renewal, I’ve often run across organizations celebrating civility that instead feel oppressively polite. As Alexandra concludes, “...peaceful coexistence is challenging and fragile. It requires vigilant nurturing.” The desire to dominate (“libido dominandi”) lives strongly in human nature and without purposeful effort, we’re prone to replace civility with politeness even in our own lives. “Running from disagreement, or pretending differences don’t exist, is not an option. Being overcome by the battles and chaos of the world is a recipe for despondency. Building habits of personal renewal involves recovering pursuits that nourish our souls.” Building strong community across differences is a pursuit that nourishes my soul and I hope that the personal “transforming of our hearts” is something that nourishes yours, too.
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So needed!
I had been waiting for this book since I saw it was coming. In such a divided and stressful time in the world, the Soul of Civility is a necessary balm and guidepost for us all. This book is a love letter to people and full of passion, wisdom and truth. I highly recommend to all!
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