The hilariously helpful handbook for the sporadic sportsman.
Guys: Is the only sports-related injury you get a sore thumb from switching the remote from ESPN to ESPN2? Think a “safety blitz” is just an unsuccessful single by 80’s pop group “Men Without Hats”? Can’t tell a yakker from a yellow hammer? The Sports Survival Guide for Men is for you!
In this third installment of the hilarious "Survival Guide for Men series, humorist Dan Van Oss takes the common man through the wide world of American sports by tackling such subjects as:
- Sports in History: “A snippet from ‘The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle’ by Tobias Smollet, an English writer in the 1700’s, laments 'if but the down be four, then punteth thee, or get thee haste, for Merry is he in the locker room, where but Fate may giveth thee a TV timeout.’”
- How To Talk Sports: “In baseball, ‘Uncle Charlie,’ ‘the yellow hammer,’ ‘yakker,’ ‘Public Enemy No. 1.’, and ‘the deuce’, are all nicknames for a curveball, and not, as you junior high boys are already thinking, hilarious names for going to the bathroom.”
- Baseball: “The night before the All-Star Game a Home Run Derby is held, where long ball hitters get to see if their steroid injections are paying off.”
- Football: “Like most men past their 20’s, football has mostly become a spectator sport, designed to allow you tell anyone who will listen that you played the same position as that guy on TV and ‘he should have done a red dog — that’s what worked for us,’ while you break open another bag of Sour Cream & Jalapeño Ruffles.”
- Basketball: “ The objective of pro basketball is to eventually be able to own both a Ferrari at your Miami house and a Bentley at your LA house and/or a wife or girlfriend at both.”
- Hockey: “Qualities such as speed, athleticism, flying squids and the use of Zambonis can make hockey an exciting and enjoyable sport to watch while you’re waiting for the fight to start.”
- Tennis: “Grunting is an important aspect of the game. Grunting shows your opponent that you ‘came to play’, are ‘serious about your game’, and ‘may have just ruptured an important internal organ such as the pancreas’.”
Loaded with comical comparisons and entertaining explanations, Dan gives you the basics of each sport along with his usual off-kilter version of it’s major events. You’ll also get plenty of suspiciously unreliable definitions and common phrases for each sport, plus another epilogue adventure with hapless everyman Kevin.
Melding together the whimsical wit of Douglas Adams and the laugh-out-loud narratives of Dave Barry along with a brainy dash of a Dennis Miller rant, Dan Van Oss delivers the average guy a hysterical guide to the wide, wide, bewildering world of sports."Dan's style is like The Best of Dave Barry meets The Best of Dennis Miller."
"Humor is hard to do and Dan does it extremely well."
About the AuthorGet Dan’s free starter library at danvanoss.com!
Dan Van Oss (danvanoss.com) grew up reading just about everything he could borrow from the town library although admittedly sometimes just to get the sticker segments to paste onto the Reading Centipede for each book he finished. Raised on a diet of Dave Barry columns, Douglas Adams radio serials, and M*A*S*H reruns, Dan’s writing balances the line between laugh-out-loud hilarious and cleverly absurd.
Dan started writing during college, where he enjoyed getting red lines mercilessly drawn through his Creative Writing projects by his professor, and where he also penned a weekly column in the school paper under the pseudonym “Fletcher Ford”. You can catch his weekly humor column, the “Dubious Knowledge Institute,” at danvanoss.com.