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The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Hardcover – October 10, 2017
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“[One of the] best books of 2017... In The State of Affairs, Perel explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain... in a way that’s deeply humane and never preachy.” (NPR’s Guide to 2017’s Greatest Reads)
“[Perel] deals with the mess and pain of fractured relationships with searing honesty, astute observations and compassion… If your marriage were in trouble, you’d want her help.” (Guardian (UK))
“As someone so completely plugged into the world of relationships, it makes sense that Perel would have some incredible insight into the most important one of all: the relationship we have with ourselves.” (Shondaland)
“She doesn’t peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on — she’s too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.“ (The New York Times)
“Esther Perel is one of the most influential and well-known psychotherapists in the world. Through TED Talks, best-selling books, a podcast (Where Should We Begin?), and her clinical practice in New York City, she explores the one subject she believes interests every human: relationships.” (The Cut, New York Magazine)
“Sexologist Perel, a marriage crisis ‘first responder,’ excavates the messy psychology of infidelity, digging into such charged topics as the ‘new shame’ of wives—staying with a cheater—and why even happy partners sometimes stray.” (O Magazine, 10 Books To Pick Up Now)
“In her opinion, confronting and unearthing the why behind an affair with honesty and courage, can steer a relationship back from brink—possibly towards a place of erotic rediscovery.” (Esquire)
“Relationship therapist Esther Perel is probably the world’s foremost authority on infidelity.” (GQ, UK)
“Esther Perel is America’s first clear-eyed public intellectual on love.” (Quartz)
“Esther Perel is widely recognized as the world’s leading expert on marriage.” (Sunday Times Style by The Times of London)
About the Author
Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered nearly 20 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence became a global phenomenon translated into 24 languages. Her newest book is New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (HarperCollins).
Perel is also an executive producer and host of the popular Audible original podcast Where Should We Begin?
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Esther Perell has been studying the psychology of affairs and relationships for quite some time. In this book, she shatters a lot of myths about the reasons behind affairs, love and the whys of it all.
I was skeptical about the book at first, but I am really having a hard time putting it down. I keep finding myself looking back at passages and rethinking the relationships I have seen, the people I have counseled, and understandings or judgments I have had about others, rightly or wrongly. Yeah, as a pastor I try the judge not lest ye be judged. But as a sinner, I find myself crafting the stick by which I will be judged more often than I like to admit.
The book is somewhat cathartic in that respect. Often opening up new avenues of understanding. It’s not that she ever seeks to justify affairs. She doesn’t. But often our preconceived, worst construction on everything the cheater did, stands in the way of ever finding the ability to forgive the person, or see them as human, even when we pay lip service to forgiveness.
For some reason, I begin to think of John Updike as I read this book. He explores many of these issues through the use of fictional characters. Esther, brings in real people, real situations, with pseudonyms, and their real thoughts and feelings. With these, she mines the mechanics of it all.
I highly recommend this book o anyone who deals with people.