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Esther Perel

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Hardcover – October 10, 2017

by Esther Perel (Author)

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Iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity.

An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.

For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.

Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.

Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”

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Editorial Reviews

Review

“[One of the] best books of 2017... In The State of Affairs, Perel explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain... in a way that’s deeply humane and never preachy.” (NPR’s Guide to 2017’s Greatest Reads)

“[Perel] deals with the mess and pain of fractured relationships with searing honesty, astute observations and compassion… If your marriage were in trouble, you’d want her help.” (Guardian (UK))

“As someone so completely plugged into the world of relationships, it makes sense that Perel would have some incredible insight into the most important one of all: the relationship we have with ourselves.” (Shondaland)

“She doesn’t peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on — she’s too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.“ (The New York Times)

“Esther Perel is one of the most influential and well-known psychotherapists in the world. Through TED Talks, best-selling books, a podcast (Where Should We Begin?), and her clinical practice in New York City, she explores the one subject she believes interests every human: relationships.” (The Cut, New York Magazine)

“Sexologist Perel, a marriage crisis ‘first responder,’ excavates the messy psychology of infidelity, digging into such charged topics as the ‘new shame’ of wives—staying with a cheater—and why even happy partners sometimes stray.” (O Magazine, 10 Books To Pick Up Now)

“In her opinion, confronting and unearthing the why behind an affair with honesty and courage, can steer a relationship back from brink—possibly towards a place of erotic rediscovery.” (Esquire)

“Relationship therapist Esther Perel is probably the world’s foremost authority on infidelity.” (GQ, UK)

“Esther Perel is America’s first clear-eyed public intellectual on love.” (Quartz)

“Esther Perel is widely recognized as the world’s leading expert on marriage.” (Sunday Times Style by The Times of London)

About the Author

Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 30 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence is a global phenomenon that has been translated into nearly 30 languages. Her newest book is the New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcasts Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work? Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.

Product details

Publisher : Harper (October 10, 2017)
Language: : English
Hardcover : 336 pages
ISBN-10 : 0062322583
ISBN-13 : 978-0062322586
Item Weight : 1.1 pounds
Dimensions : 0.9 x 5.2 x 7.9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #142,442 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #134 in Medical Psychology of Sexuality
- #181 in Medical Counseling
- #258 in Popular Psychology of Sexuality

Customer Reviews:
1,019 ratings

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Linda J. Macdonald

GREAT BOOK, WELL - WRITTEN... UNTIL THE END

Reviewed in the United States on October 16, 2018

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Esther Perel is an outstanding therapist and author. One of the most well-written self-helps books I've ever read. Her ideas resonated with me most of the book, until it took a turn for the worst, seeming to accept our culture's new attitudes about "consent" to make the Poly-Amory movement OK. Just because someone agrees to participate (often with a lot of arm-twisting or one person just trying to please a potentially straying partner) doesn't make it "right" or healthy. There has been a lot of research about the need for a healthy, trusting attachment throughout the lifespan, and that includes as adults. The poly-amory movement tries to distinguish itself from the "wife-swapping" of the 1960's by establishing all kinds of "rules" and "agreements" that feign to protect the primary relationship from harm. Well, I've seen a lot of break ups and broken hearts that have resulted from poly-amorous arrangements. I will be very interested to see some longitudinal studies done because I fully expect these arrangements to not be successful long term. I'm sorry, but as an infidelity specialist for 30 years, I haven't seen long-lasting positive results from this social experiment. I was surprised that such a savvy therapist as Ms. Perel would take an accepting stance on poly-amory. Especially after the wisdom she demonstrated throughout the rest of her book.

191 people found this helpful

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Michelle Gillette Coaching

Taboos & Truths Finally Uncloaked...and now we can learn

Reviewed in the United States on October 22, 2017

I started following Esther Perel's work years ago when she did a riveting TEDtalk about infidelity & she authored a fascinating book called MATING IN CAPTIVITY. Both captivated me --not just because it's a titillating topic or because we were finally getting access to the underbelly of relationships that nobody openly discusses-- but because her work is full of human truths. About desire, love, the often inconvenient construct of marriage, egos, the secret longings people hide. Loneliness. Communication and the lack there of. Connection. Sexual alchemy. Marriage with and without kids. Trauma. Responsibility. She shines a light on all of it-- but never with sanctimony. Her work lets reality finally breathe.... uncloaked, so we can learn from it vs getting continually stuck in judgment. She discusses "what is" vs "what should be ....but never really was nor will be." These are often the same topics that come up when I coach clients, so her work rings achingly true. I've recommended her work to many clients whether they're married, dating or in between. Whether they have dealt first hand with infidelity or not. Why? Because Perel discusses the human condition in a new, enlightening way & her work reveals alternative ways to communicate & connect with those we love, about topics we've been dodging. It's authentic. So now her latest book, THE STATE OF AFFAIRS is out. Wow. Even juicier, deeper, more revealing and enlightening. Without meaning to, she may have written the first guidebook to having healthier relationships (with ourselves and others) in the REAL world, because she tells us the actual state of affairs, not that Face-tuned version. Yes it's about infidelity... but really it's about SO much more. Cannot recommend it highly enough. I listen to the Audible version in my car & also at night when I sit outside. It's like hanging out with your smartest girlfriend after she's traveled the world. So grateful for her honesty, hard work, passion and compassion-- all of which she shares with lucky us. IG aging.gracefully

115 people found this helpful

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Christina Vojta

A thought-provoking analysis of the underlying causes and possible resolutions of infidelity

Reviewed in the United States on April 17, 2018

Verified Purchase

Esther Perel offers wisdom and insight into almost every conceivable type of human infidelity and the underlying causes. Though every affair is different and will not resonate with every reader, every reader will find something in this book that personally resonates. We're all human! When reading this book, I was in the midst of writing a novel that involved the first marital transgression in a 25-year marriage, and I wondered if such a scenario was even believable. Who would wait 25 years before suddenly being unfaithful? Perel's book helped me understand how easily - and often - this happens, and empowered me to write with more confidence. I also liked Perel's take on marriages that are not monogamous, but forced obstenance by one of the partners. Perel asks the question, Who is the offender in such a union, when sex has been denied and thus sought elsewhere? I also appreciated the chapter on the "other woman", a role that is often neglected and that deserves more of our thought and understanding. This book will fascinate even those of the human race who believe their life has never been touched by infidelity, for it is a human behavior that has touched nearly all of us at some time in our lives.

23 people found this helpful

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XYZ

So much has been written on this subject but it is still worth reading

Reviewed in the United States on December 26, 2018

Verified Purchase

I’m not a mental health professional. I just saw this book in a magazine and was curious. I disagree that it was written to make cheaters feel good about themselves. Most of the book was spent describing the trauma the person cheated on feels and legitimizing the many emotions they experience. Only one chapter talked about some reasons (such as abuse) that might cause a person to seek attention outside of their marriage. The author definitely has the mindset of helping people stay together but does acknowledge that is not always possible. My biggest beef is that she says she acknowledges the third person in the situation and knows they have been hurt too, but the chapter she writes on that subject definitely doesn’t sound that way. Obviously not many therapists speak with the other person or hear their side of the story. Only the cheater and cheated on go to couples counseling. Her reference is a Dear Sugars podcast where 2 letters from other women were read followed by Cheryl and Susan Cheever making snide comments. It was quite bizarre and not at all academic in nature. Human beings are complicated and this book did cover that well. Whether we want to face it or not, relationships and sexuality are complicated. At the very least, this book opened my mind. I will think back to it and be more open-minded should a family member or friend be in this situation.

12 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

Graham Mummery

A state of relationships

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 10, 2018

Verified Purchase

This book written by a psychotherapist and counsellor who has worked with couples will be of interest to anyone interested in relationships. It is also well written with an good narrative flow.

At the beginning of the book Esther Peel looks at the conventional wisdom on partnerships and marriages and fidelity in them. She points out that in Western society there are strong views that partners in these are expected to stay loyal to each other, with out straying elsewhere for intimacy and sex. She does not appear to have problems with this per se, but points out there are many divergences form this path. It is human nature to transgress boundaries, even if this is painful.

What follows are a large number of accounts of cases she has encountered. This includes infidelity in conventional marriages, both homo- and hetro- sexual partnerships, open relationships (where issues of infidelity can crop up despite there being a permission to find additional partnerships) as well as ones that insist on monogamy. She looks also at issues of betrayal, the pain of discovery of an affair, how some affairs may save people from bad partnerships and also how that affairs may sometimes (paradoxically?) even save and strengthen relationships. Perel also looks at the various kind of people involved, apparently settled people, those who prefer to have affairs rather than stay in a single one.

All in all the range of people discussed here is wide. Perel's aim is not to discredit monogamy, but to suggest what is needed is a little more space for people in their situations to work through. At one point in the narrative she ponders on the general state of knowledge around human sexuality. As she states it is limited. This book contributes to expanding that space a little more. An enlightening read.

18 people found this helpful

Dr. M. Willis

... spent 30 years as a GP listening to really nice people who had got themselves into a muddle

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 19, 2018

Verified Purchase

I spent 30 years as a GP listening to really nice people who had got themselves into a muddle. With a personal list I had the privilege of knowing both sides of the equation - sometimes over 3 or 4 generation's of the same families. The title 'Rethinking Infidelity' is very apt.
I wonder how many couples would have stayed together had they understood what motivates an affair - not least a million years of evolution!
My betting is that the current generation will be much less likely to run into trouble as there is so much less shame, religion and humiliation around. They do talk to each other as well...! That's the formula!

15 people found this helpful

M E Noble

A fair discussion

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 5, 2018

Verified Purchase

This book is excellent, looking at a widespread phenomenon openly and fairly, accepting that many people involved in affairs have their own opinions, reasons and motivations. She doesn't underplay the heartache or risks, but looks honestly at how these situations occur - the overt and unconscious motivations, and the different reactions and possibilities once the affair has been discovered. She looks at the current American habit of turning to divorce far more readily than happened in the past or happens in certain other cultural situations, tries to offer a range of options, and recognises that the individual people involved make each situation unique, although certain patterns recur. She recognises the input of religion, family, nation and personal moral judgments.

10 people found this helpful

Mr. J J

Must read for any couples, even if they didn't go through a infidelity its worth knowing.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 30, 2019

Verified Purchase

Esther explained in a parallel view of infidelity. Many people thinks this as a curse or once cheated you are done for life. But from her experience she explains the both sides and try to reconnect the missing dots. It helped me to stay in track. I would 100 recommend this book to any couple who is going through a rough time. The partner can also benefit from the book to see how and why they did it.

2 people found this helpful

nevena

Great book!

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 27, 2018

Verified Purchase

I bought this book to gain more insight into many aspects ..jealousy, desire, relationship dynamics.. not just issues of infidelity, and not specifically because I had experienced it - but just out of curiosity. I've looked for many alternatives to unanswered questions, and Esther did not disappoint in providing this insight. Thank you Esther.. Really spot on. I'm 28 years old and have recommended this to all my girlfriends as a general advice book, in seeing things from a different perspective + it helps us discuss things in our group that we've seen in our general realm. Prompt delivery service too!

2 people found this helpful