- Paperback: 352 pages
- Publisher: Harper Paperbacks; Reprint edition (October 9, 2018)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 9780062322593
- ISBN-13: 978-0062322593
- ASIN: 0062322591
- Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.8 x 8 inches
- Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
- Average Customer Review: 210 customer reviews
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #6,602 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Paperback – October 9, 2018
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“[One of the] best books of 2017... In The State of Affairs, Perel explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain... in a way that’s deeply humane and never preachy.” (NPR’s Guide to 2017’s Greatest Reads)
“[Perel] deals with the mess and pain of fractured relationships with searing honesty, astute observations and compassion… If your marriage were in trouble, you’d want her help.” (Guardian (UK))
“As someone so completely plugged into the world of relationships, it makes sense that Perel would have some incredible insight into the most important one of all: the relationship we have with ourselves.” (Shondaland)
“She doesn’t peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on — she’s too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.“ (The New York Times)
“Esther Perel is one of the most influential and well-known psychotherapists in the world. Through TED Talks, best-selling books, a podcast (Where Should We Begin?), and her clinical practice in New York City, she explores the one subject she believes interests every human: relationships.” (The Cut, New York Magazine)
“Sexologist Perel, a marriage crisis ‘first responder,’ excavates the messy psychology of infidelity, digging into such charged topics as the ‘new shame’ of wives—staying with a cheater—and why even happy partners sometimes stray.” (O Magazine, 10 Books To Pick Up Now)
“In her opinion, confronting and unearthing the why behind an affair with honesty and courage, can steer a relationship back from brink—possibly towards a place of erotic rediscovery.” (Esquire)
“Relationship therapist Esther Perel is probably the world’s foremost authority on infidelity.” (GQ, UK)
“Esther Perel is America’s first clear-eyed public intellectual on love.” (Quartz)
“Esther Perel is widely recognized as the world’s leading expert on marriage.” (Sunday Times Style by The Times of London)
From the Back Cover
An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.
For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.
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Esther Perell has been studying the psychology of affairs and relationships for quite some time. In this book, she shatters a lot of myths about the reasons behind affairs, love and the whys of it all.
I was skeptical about the book at first, but I am really having a hard time putting it down. I keep finding myself looking back at passages and rethinking the relationships I have seen, the people I have counseled, and understandings or judgments I have had about others, rightly or wrongly. Yeah, as a pastor I try the judge not lest ye be judged. But as a sinner, I find myself crafting the stick by which I will be judged more often than I like to admit.
The book is somewhat cathartic in that respect. Often opening up new avenues of understanding. It’s not that she ever seeks to justify affairs. She doesn’t. But often our preconceived, worst construction on everything the cheater did, stands in the way of ever finding the ability to forgive the person, or see them as human, even when we pay lip service to forgiveness.
For some reason, I begin to think of John Updike as I read this book. He explores many of these issues through the use of fictional characters. Esther, brings in real people, real situations, with pseudonyms, and their real thoughts and feelings. With these, she mines the mechanics of it all.
I highly recommend this book o anyone who deals with people.