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Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life Reprint Edition
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From the Publisher
Caretakers and Their Borderline/Narcissists:
- Caretakers hope to fix or heal the Borderline or Narcissist to improve the relationship.
- Caretakers get frustrated and hurt when the Borderline or Narcissist doesn’t get better.
- The Caretaker’s fear of anger and disagreement lead them to being manipulated by the Borderline or Narcissist.
- Caretakers give up their own needs and wants to try to appease the Borderline or Narcissist.
- Caretakers often don’t pay enough attention to their own needs.
- Letting go of the Caretaker role includes giving up hope, giving up guilt and giving up shame.
- Learning to acknowledge and care for your own feelings and needs helps you drop the Caretaker role.
- Being a Caretaker is damaging to your health and well-being.
- Emotionally caretaking another adult leads to an imbalance of power and a fight for control in the relationship.
- By breaking the crazy-making rules in the relationship, you can quit Caretaking and step back into the world of logic, sanity, and personal choice.
- You can quit Caretaking and restore your healthy sense of well being, but you can’t change the Borderline or Narcissist.
- Offers hope, control and confidence to people being manipulated by a borderline or narcissist.
- Shows you how to let go of trying to please, appease and soothe the constant complaints, irrationality and neediness of the borderline or narcissist.
- Includes real stories and practical suggestions from a seasoned therapist.
- Teaches techniques for getting out of the illogical, circular, blameful attacks by the borderline or narcissist.
- Offers ways to create a happy, healthy, fully-functioning life despite the borderline or narcissist.
- Talks about how to regain power over your own life by learning skills to effectively deal with the crazy-making behaviors of the borderline or narcissist.
- Shows how your own passivity, over-responsibility, and need to please the borderline or narcissist keeps your relationship stuck.
- Take the self-assessment test to see if you are unwittingly colluding with the borderline or narcissist in maintaining a dysfunctional relationship.
From the Author:
I see that relationship interactions are the result of the thoughts, beliefs, feelings and reactions of ALL parties. Too often the Borderline or Narcissist is blamed and the other participants feel like victims. Family Systems theory sees that everyone contributes to the problem and any one of them can change the final results. The Caretaker can change what s/he does and change the outcome for themselves and everyone else.
I have written the book for anyone who has an ongoing relationship with a Borderline or Narcissist. This could be a spouse, dating partner, sibling, parent, child, in-law, co-worker or friend. Therapists could use the book as they work with their clients who feel “stuck” and frustrated in a relationship with a Borderline or Narcissist. My most recent book, Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship, complements this material by providing next steps in the healing process.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading Fjelstad´s book and I found it informative, exciting, and above all very well written. Fjelstad is truly honest and frank about the fact that the borderline and narcissist are mentally ill and unwilling to change. She is open about the fact that caretakers too get something from the situation and that it is up to them to break the cycle of caretaking since the BP or NP is not going to change their ways. Fjelstad's advice is well thought out and practical which makes them easier to follow and she provides the reader with specific ideas and examples to how the caretaker can make the changes needed to rid themselves of the power that the BP or NP has over them. . . . [T]he book is excellent material for anyone that is living with or has any involvement with a BP or a NP, close or distant, since the book fosters understanding of the disorders and the need of the caretaker. The book can be of great use to psychology student, especially those in clinical psychology or those focusing on personality disorders. (Metapsychology Online)
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist is refreshingly no-nonsense, provides lots of useful hints on how to put this self-care model into practice while at the same time informing thoroughly and in no uncertain terms about the BP/NP's view of the world. It is a most helpful book! (Addiction / Sucht / Adicción)
About the Author
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, has a private psychotherapy practice in Ft. Collins, CO, specializing in work with clients who are in relationship to someone who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, and she facilitates groups on Caretaker recovery. She has previously been an Adjunct Faculty member at Regis University in Colorado Springs and at California State University in Sacramento.
Top customer reviews
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A bonus is that the author clearly defines what to look for in a healthy relationship. The following is my summary, but the author's ideas.
A real relationship is based on each person giving the other approximately the same amount of energy as the other receives. Whether this energy is in the form of attention, invitations, gifts, advice, help, or understanding does not matter. This is called reciprocity.
A healthy relationship is
* One that is nurturing to one another,
* Fulfills the relational needs of each person and
* Attends to the interests and desires of each other.
In addition, a healthy relationship
* Does not drain the other, but gives the other energy,
* Helps each other feel relaxed and
* Makes the other feel wanted and cared for.
This is the only book that described to me what was happening to ME, due to my relationship with a mental ill man. Bottom line, I was becoming "disabled" I finally had the strength and clearness of mind to tell him to hit the road. I refused to be treated rudely anymore. Refuse to be embarrassed anymore. I had lost myself d/t his constant mentally battering of me. No one deserves this type of treatment. . . but when you are in it, it's so hard to break out of it. This book gives you the steps you need to get a handle on yourself and realize the damage you are letting the Borderline Personality Disordered/ Narcissistic do to your psyche. Stop walking on egg shells. Your life doesn't have to be this way. You can't fix them. . . but you can rescue yourself, from total destruction of your personality, self esteem and raise your self confidence. . . lose your depression. . . and win yourself back. The person is gone from my life now, but I am still going to finish the book. I was becoming disabled, by staying with him. At last, I can have my own opinion, without being yelled at, outings ruined, and him driving away yelling Kiss my ---! because i didn't agree with something trivial.