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Top positive review
352 people found this helpful
5.0 out of 5 starsMandatory Reading for Anyone Suffering from a BPD In Their Life
ByR. L. H.on January 7, 2014
There are plenty of books written about navigating the lowest levels of hell to get the borderline personality disorder sufferers in their lives the help they need - and how to attempt to cope with them if they can't. This is one of them, but written in a less of a "sucks to be you" format and more of a "you can actually do something about this" format. There are those of us who might not be "stuck" with a borderline family member and have a little more freedom in deciding if we want this in our lives or not after we come to a full understanding of what Borderline Personality Disorder really, what drives it, and what it can take to get it under control - if ever.
I read a single-star review here on Amazon about this book before buying it. It stated that this book is all about "tough love", which doesn't work for BPs. Actually, it's also the ONLY love that works, or the BP will continue to mow your life down like a monster truck and demand you lay in front of the tires again and again and again, making the situation worse until someone is locked up, homeless, divorced, or dead. This book is about humane, thoughtful, methodical INTERVENTION that at least will get your own life back on its feet even if the PB can't or won't. Just because the BP is in hell doesn't mean they get to take you with them. This book is written for those who are determined to not be the next domino that falls in the borderline's life. This book is about TAKING CHARGE of the situation so you get your life back. It is NOT written to get the BP the help they need, though it does offer critical information on the subject if the BP is agreeable to it. It is written to show you how to get your life back and what choices you can make and how to properly make them for you and/or your children. This includes making the right choices, including determining if the BP is beyond your resources/capabilities to cope and if it's just time to clean them out of your life and move on. In this proper context, this book is worth pure gold and comes from the experiences of a BPD support community that has MANY thousands who have contributed not only from their own experiences in hardship, but their experiences in WHAT WORKS.
To the Non-BP who is desperately seeking validation, confirmation, help, etc: Buy this book and go straight to pages 45-47. You will weep for joy as you read that the BP in your life has been concisely mapped out and handed to you on only 3 pages of silver platter. If treatment for your BP is the goal, then you now know what you're dealing with, and if I may be so bold, don't waste any time - get him/her right into DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) if at all possible. It's the only one that gets it all right, gets nothing wrong, actually works, and produces by far more permanently cured ex-BPs than any other therapy or program. Everything else is just trying to copy it and usually getting major aspects of the therapy wrong as it pertains to a BP. That's if you can get your BP to willingly acknowledge and commit. If not, this book helps you with the necessary alternatives, since so many BPs refuse therapy and/or the caretakers of the BP do not have the resources to make use of this expensive, elite, long-term treatment program.
This book is pretty much the bible for anyone who lives with a BP but isn't one themselves, but has decided to take a proactive approach of getting their lives back on track. Not only does this book teach you all about the disorder, but also how to handle both the good and the bad. It also exposes the horrors that the BP in your life can unleash upon you and your family if you fail to act. This is the first book I have ever read in my life that had me taking 4 different colored highlighter pens to it - yellow for highlighting things that I had experienced or found relevant to my BP's symptoms, bright pink for critical information I needed to know/remember, green for highlighting all the things I had done right, and regular blank ink ballpoint to write notes in the margins and underline certain things.
PBD topics covered in this book that had me practically weeping for joy after seeing it was actually in print: The spending sprees, drug addictions, rages/rampages, totally illogical reasoning, false accusations/retaliations, explosive rage from out of nowhere, jeckyl/hyde "behind closed doors" Godzilla that nobody believes you about, public lies and accusations against you ("distortion campaigns"), verbal, emotional, and physical abuse ("rage is abuse"), sexual recklessness/affairs/risk-taking/dysfunctions, and the illogical thought processes of the BP that have them driving away the people they want to be closest to the most because of a rage-driven fear of abandonment that often turns out to be self-fulfilling.
Pros of this book:
Dead-on accuracy
Proven techniques
Real-world examples
Proven advice
Comprehensive
Authoritative sources
Non-Clinical/easy to read
Cons:
I have only two - but HUGE - con/disagreements:
1. The book states that BPD is not necessarily caused by environment or childhood trauma, and that it can be hereditary/developmental. Though there are cases where both a biological and environmental cause is the determination, in nearly every BPD case I have come across (witnessed or even heard of), childhood trauma in some form of individual or combined abandonment and/or abuse was ALWAYS present, regardless of any physical or hereditary suppositions the book briefly attempts to "stay safe" on. In actuality, the entire book is very adamant on stressing the common environmental triggers that cause BPD, which it continually states are the numerous/combined forms of abandonment and abuse that children are increasingly experiencing. Many BPs exist who were not known as "emotionally sensitive" children but became borderline because of severe environmental factors alone. Most all books on this subject ignore this fact, including this one. Again: two or three sentences in the book state that BPD is not necessarily environmental - but then the entire rest of the book stresses how environmental factors are indeed what most all PBs state caused and repetitively trigger their nuclear detonations. Evidence shows that BPD can be caused by a combination of physical and environmental factors and can also be caused in completely normal children by nothing more than severely invalidating environments alone.
2. The way BP parents try to make up for their shortcomings as parents by controlling every aspect of their children's lives until it is a nightmarish hell of blame, abuse, control, deceit, and manipulation - and what this does to children right under the clueless BP's nose. The book touches on a few topics, such as how the children of BPs often wind up suffering NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). But well-known BPD parental behaviors are not found in this book, such as how the BP will enroll their children in every program they can think of, from school music to sports to scouts to anything else to convince themselves - and others - that they are good parents. This is an attempt at "damage control", to convince themselves that if they have ensured that someone else is raising their children, they THEY have properly raised their children. Worse, will have slaved out their children so badly that the kids suffer burnout, exhaustion, and dread on top of the horrors they secretly endure in the home. Additionally, it is very common that the BP parent, especially mothers, will latch onto the youngest child and will protect/control their lives down to the most minute detail in the attempt to ensure they never leave home, even at the expense of alienating and practically abandoning all of the older children in the process. No hobby, job, boyfriend/girlfriend the youngest child will have will be good enough and will be slandered and attacked ("distortion campaign"). Fear of abandonment is what drives the BP, and there is a whole different set of behaviors BP parents unleash on helpless children that should have been covered much more thoroughly in this book.
Regardless, this book is a valuable resource as one of two go-to books for Non-BPs who are struggling with BPs in their homes or relationships and what to do about it. The other book is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder", by Shari Y. Manning. That book is for the truly committed individual who is willing to carefully and methodically wade through all the fiery rings of hell to save their loved ones, the category in which I am continually doing my best to keep myself in. Make sure you read that book.
I read a single-star review here on Amazon about this book before buying it. It stated that this book is all about "tough love", which doesn't work for BPs. Actually, it's also the ONLY love that works, or the BP will continue to mow your life down like a monster truck and demand you lay in front of the tires again and again and again, making the situation worse until someone is locked up, homeless, divorced, or dead. This book is about humane, thoughtful, methodical INTERVENTION that at least will get your own life back on its feet even if the PB can't or won't. Just because the BP is in hell doesn't mean they get to take you with them. This book is written for those who are determined to not be the next domino that falls in the borderline's life. This book is about TAKING CHARGE of the situation so you get your life back. It is NOT written to get the BP the help they need, though it does offer critical information on the subject if the BP is agreeable to it. It is written to show you how to get your life back and what choices you can make and how to properly make them for you and/or your children. This includes making the right choices, including determining if the BP is beyond your resources/capabilities to cope and if it's just time to clean them out of your life and move on. In this proper context, this book is worth pure gold and comes from the experiences of a BPD support community that has MANY thousands who have contributed not only from their own experiences in hardship, but their experiences in WHAT WORKS.
To the Non-BP who is desperately seeking validation, confirmation, help, etc: Buy this book and go straight to pages 45-47. You will weep for joy as you read that the BP in your life has been concisely mapped out and handed to you on only 3 pages of silver platter. If treatment for your BP is the goal, then you now know what you're dealing with, and if I may be so bold, don't waste any time - get him/her right into DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) if at all possible. It's the only one that gets it all right, gets nothing wrong, actually works, and produces by far more permanently cured ex-BPs than any other therapy or program. Everything else is just trying to copy it and usually getting major aspects of the therapy wrong as it pertains to a BP. That's if you can get your BP to willingly acknowledge and commit. If not, this book helps you with the necessary alternatives, since so many BPs refuse therapy and/or the caretakers of the BP do not have the resources to make use of this expensive, elite, long-term treatment program.
This book is pretty much the bible for anyone who lives with a BP but isn't one themselves, but has decided to take a proactive approach of getting their lives back on track. Not only does this book teach you all about the disorder, but also how to handle both the good and the bad. It also exposes the horrors that the BP in your life can unleash upon you and your family if you fail to act. This is the first book I have ever read in my life that had me taking 4 different colored highlighter pens to it - yellow for highlighting things that I had experienced or found relevant to my BP's symptoms, bright pink for critical information I needed to know/remember, green for highlighting all the things I had done right, and regular blank ink ballpoint to write notes in the margins and underline certain things.
PBD topics covered in this book that had me practically weeping for joy after seeing it was actually in print: The spending sprees, drug addictions, rages/rampages, totally illogical reasoning, false accusations/retaliations, explosive rage from out of nowhere, jeckyl/hyde "behind closed doors" Godzilla that nobody believes you about, public lies and accusations against you ("distortion campaigns"), verbal, emotional, and physical abuse ("rage is abuse"), sexual recklessness/affairs/risk-taking/dysfunctions, and the illogical thought processes of the BP that have them driving away the people they want to be closest to the most because of a rage-driven fear of abandonment that often turns out to be self-fulfilling.
Pros of this book:
Dead-on accuracy
Proven techniques
Real-world examples
Proven advice
Comprehensive
Authoritative sources
Non-Clinical/easy to read
Cons:
I have only two - but HUGE - con/disagreements:
1. The book states that BPD is not necessarily caused by environment or childhood trauma, and that it can be hereditary/developmental. Though there are cases where both a biological and environmental cause is the determination, in nearly every BPD case I have come across (witnessed or even heard of), childhood trauma in some form of individual or combined abandonment and/or abuse was ALWAYS present, regardless of any physical or hereditary suppositions the book briefly attempts to "stay safe" on. In actuality, the entire book is very adamant on stressing the common environmental triggers that cause BPD, which it continually states are the numerous/combined forms of abandonment and abuse that children are increasingly experiencing. Many BPs exist who were not known as "emotionally sensitive" children but became borderline because of severe environmental factors alone. Most all books on this subject ignore this fact, including this one. Again: two or three sentences in the book state that BPD is not necessarily environmental - but then the entire rest of the book stresses how environmental factors are indeed what most all PBs state caused and repetitively trigger their nuclear detonations. Evidence shows that BPD can be caused by a combination of physical and environmental factors and can also be caused in completely normal children by nothing more than severely invalidating environments alone.
2. The way BP parents try to make up for their shortcomings as parents by controlling every aspect of their children's lives until it is a nightmarish hell of blame, abuse, control, deceit, and manipulation - and what this does to children right under the clueless BP's nose. The book touches on a few topics, such as how the children of BPs often wind up suffering NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). But well-known BPD parental behaviors are not found in this book, such as how the BP will enroll their children in every program they can think of, from school music to sports to scouts to anything else to convince themselves - and others - that they are good parents. This is an attempt at "damage control", to convince themselves that if they have ensured that someone else is raising their children, they THEY have properly raised their children. Worse, will have slaved out their children so badly that the kids suffer burnout, exhaustion, and dread on top of the horrors they secretly endure in the home. Additionally, it is very common that the BP parent, especially mothers, will latch onto the youngest child and will protect/control their lives down to the most minute detail in the attempt to ensure they never leave home, even at the expense of alienating and practically abandoning all of the older children in the process. No hobby, job, boyfriend/girlfriend the youngest child will have will be good enough and will be slandered and attacked ("distortion campaign"). Fear of abandonment is what drives the BP, and there is a whole different set of behaviors BP parents unleash on helpless children that should have been covered much more thoroughly in this book.
Regardless, this book is a valuable resource as one of two go-to books for Non-BPs who are struggling with BPs in their homes or relationships and what to do about it. The other book is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder", by Shari Y. Manning. That book is for the truly committed individual who is willing to carefully and methodically wade through all the fiery rings of hell to save their loved ones, the category in which I am continually doing my best to keep myself in. Make sure you read that book.
Top critical review
3.0 out of 5 starsBeware. This is not the original book. A ...
ByLarryon June 23, 2017
Beware. This is not the original book. A subtle crafting of a very similar (but not quite plagiarized) title.
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ByAmazon Customeron April 26, 2017
This is an excellent book, I engourge any one who is going threw something, with an sucnifucant other, mental health is so over looked this book will help
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ByR. Ellisonon February 14, 2017
Am not finished but think it is a very good read. Was recommended to me. We ALL have people like this in our lives.
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ByAmazon Customeron March 3, 2016
This is the best book I've read about BPD and how it affects families. As both a professional helper and relative to people struggeling with BPD / NPD this book provided an insight I have not found anywhere else. It describes the chaos and pain experienced from both perspectives (BPD/non-BPD) with genuine compassion, acceptance and understanding. The examples used from real life are recognizable and resonate. It describes the interaction patterns and how our communication and behavior may both trigger but also relieve pain and give meaning to seemingly irrational behavior. The authors detaches also both parties from the "guilt and shame axis" and places the responsibility for recovery where it belongs. I can strongly recomend this book to families and professional helpers.
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Byjwon June 27, 2017
if you know someone with BPD then this is a great book to read.
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ByJohnon April 2, 2017
Great book for the uninitiated in the world of the borderline and the people that love them or just have to be a part of their lives. Very helpful.
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ByJane Leibfriedon April 14, 2017
This book really opened my eyes to all the facets of BPD. it was very informative & provided a lot of information on how to deal with someone with BPD & how a non-BPD deals with themselves.
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ByLizon July 20, 2017
helpful
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ByGirlonfooton June 12, 2017
Important book
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ByMKon May 10, 2017
Great book with a lot of insight, I highly recommend this book. Very Helpful. Gives a lot to think about.
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ByChristine M. Falkon January 7, 2017
Very helpful. It helped explain a lot of behavior and how I can better deal with it.
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