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Justin J. Lehmiller

Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life Hardcover – July 10, 2018

by Justin J. Lehmiller (Author)

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A leading expert on human sexuality and author of the blog Sex and Psychology offers an unprecedented look at sexual fantasy based on the most comprehensive, scientific survey ever undertaken.

What do Americans really want when it comes to sex? And is it possible for us to get what we want? Justin J. Lehmiller, one of the country's leading experts on human sexuality and author of the popular blog Sex and Psychology, has made it his career's ambition to answer these questions. He recently concluded the largest and most comprehensive scientific survey of Americans' sexual fantasies ever undertaken, a monumental two-year study involving more than 4,000 Americans from all walks of life, answering questions of unusual scope.

Based on this study, Tell Me What You Want offers an unprecedented look into our fantasy worlds and what they reveal about us. It helps readers to better understand their own sexual desires and how to attain them within their relationships, but also to appreciate why the desires of their partners may be so incredibly different.

If we only better understood the incredible diversity of human sexual desire and why this diversity exists in the first place, we would experience less distress, anxiety, and shame about our own sexual fantasies and better understand why our partners often have sexual proclivities that are so different from our own. Ultimately, this book will help readers to enhance their sex lives and to maintain more satisfying relationships and marriages in the future by breaking down barriers to discussing sexual fantasies and allowing them to become a part of readers' sexual realities.

Print length

288 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Da Capo Lifelong Books
Publication date

July 10, 2018
Dimensions

6.75 x 1 x 9.33 inches
ISBN-10

0738234958
ISBN-13

978-0738234953
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Popular Highlights in this book

What are popular highlights?

My research suggests that the more political and moral restrictions we have placed on our sexuality, the more intensely we fantasize about breaking free of them.
Highlighted by 179 Kindle readers
A sexual fantasy is any mental picture that comes to mind while you’re awake that ultimately turns you on.
Highlighted by 172 Kindle readers
Forced-sex fantasies are more common than you might think. In fact, nearly two-thirds of the women I surveyed reported having them.
Highlighted by 131 Kindle readers

Editorial Reviews

Review

"Not since Nancy Friday has anyone so comprehensively and confidently blown the lid off our deep and secret desires, and revealed the extent to which we humans are endlessly inventive, flexible sexual and social strategists."―Wednesday Martin, PhD, author of the New York Times #1 bestseller Primates of Park Avenue and Untrue

"A penetrating, erotic X-ray into the hidden recesses of our sexual psyches. Illuminating and incisive, Lehmiller lays bare the gray matter of great sex."
―Ian Kerner, PhD, New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First

"Have a deep, dark sex fantasy that you've never shared with anyone? Turns out, you're not alone. Most people are afraid their sex fantasies are abnormal, but Justin Lehmiller's newest book reveals that understanding your erotic imaginings, and sharing them with your sex partner might be the best, healthiest thing you do all year. Tell Me What You Want educates, titillates, thrills and guides us down a marvelous, sexy path that ends in acceptance of those naughty secrets in the basements of our minds."
―David J. Ley, PhD, author of The Myth of Sex Addiction

"Lehmiller's smart, warm, sex-positive book breaks the toxic silence around our sexual fantasies. Reading it may be the best thing you ever do for your sex life, your relationships and your self-acceptance."―Geoffrey Miller, author of The Mating Mind, Spent, and Mate

"Lehmiller's groundbreaking book points to an alarming divide between the conversations we're having about sex and the conversation we should be having about sex. It provides the nudge we need to change the conversation--and, in doing so, to live healthier, hotter lives."―Eli J. Finkel, Professor of Psychology, Northwestern University

"Tell Me What You Want provides a scientifically grounded, non-judgmental assessment of where things stand in the sexual lives and fantasies of Americans. With an open-minded approach and fluid prose, this book is highly recommended for anyone looking for a road-map of where American sexuality is at the moment, and where many Americans would like to be going soon."―Christopher Ryan, PhD, co-author of the New York Times bestseller Sex at Dawn

"Sheds some light on the topic of fantasies, including who has them, how common they are and how they change over a person's lifetime."―Wall Street Journal

"A treasure trove of nuggets about the American sexual psyche...Engaging, provocative, and easy to read."―Dr. Michael Aaron's Psychology Today blog, "Standard Deviations"

"[An] illuminating book...Armed with research, [Dr. Lehmiller] describes our collective fantasies and helps make sense of what they might mean, tackling everything from how they're connected to personalities to how our sexual histories shape desires."―Goop

"If you've ever had a sexual fantasy and thought, 'Oh God, what's wrong with me?' a quick read of Tell Me What You Want...might ease your mind...Lehmiller isn't just putting out a compendium of our raciest thoughts; he tries to explain what those thoughts do for the health of our psyches...He gives concrete advice."
―New York Times Book Review

"The book we've all needed, even if we didn't know it...[A] barrier-smashing book...Whether you're interested in the world of sex research, or you just want to understand your own sex fantasies better, or you're looking for tips for communicating better with your partner, you'll enjoy and learn from Tell Me What You Want."―Naked at Our Age blog

"An excellent choice for readers wanting to know more about their own fantasies as well as those who are simply curious about American sexual desires in general."―Library Journal

"Offer[s] plenty of insight into the sexual thoughts we all have but often keep to ourselves."―CNN.com

"As Justin Lehmiller PhD explains so insightfully in his fascinating new book, Tell Me What You Want, most of us have lots of turn-ons that would definitely not earn the Good Housekeeping seal of approval."―Ari Tuickman's Psychology Today Blog, "Sex Matters"

"Lehmiller uses his book as a vehicle to explain how common some sexual fantasies are--not to mention fantasizing in general--and to help the reader better fulfill their own desires...Lehmiller's calm and logical approach to understanding sexuality and improving sexual satisfaction...is exemplified on nearly every page."―Of Sex and Love blog

"Attempts to dispel stereotypes, shed light on why so many of us imagine similar scenarios, and serve as a guide to helping us talk about what we desire."―Boston Globe

"A book that will be reassuring for therapists and patients alike...Lively...Valuable and enjoyable. The writing is clear, informal, and describes human sexuality in a recognizable fashion."
―The Therapist

About the Author

Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller is a social psychologist and one of the country's leading experts on human sexuality. He is currently the Director of the Social Psychology Program at Ball State University and a Faculty Affiliate of The Kinsey Institute. Formerly, he served on the faculty at Harvard University.

In addition to being an award-winning educator, Dr. Lehmiller is a prolific scholar who conducts research on sexual fantasy, casual sex, secret relationships, and safer-sex practices. He has authored dozens of scientific publications and is the author of the sexuality textbook The Psychology of Human Sexuality. Dr. Lehmiller is on the editorial boards of several prominent academic journals in the fields of relationships and sexuality, including the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships and Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, and he is an elected full member of the International Academy of Sex Research.

Dr. Lehmiller holds advanced degrees in psychology, including a Master of Science from Villanova University and a Ph.D. from Purdue University.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Da Capo Lifelong Books (July 10, 2018)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 288 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0738234958
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0738234953
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.05 pounds
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.75 x 1 x 9.33 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #468,718 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #654 in General Sexual Health
- #764 in Psychology & Counseling Books on Sexuality
- #1,599 in Sex & Sexuality

Customer Reviews:
4.4 433 ratings

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Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller (Ph.D., Purdue University) is a Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of the book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. He is an award winning educator, having been honored three times with the Certificate of Teaching Excellence from Harvard University, where he taught for several years. Dr. Lehmiller is also a prolific researcher and scholar, having published more than 40 pieces of academic writing to date, including articles in some of the leading journals on sex and relationships, as well as two textbooks. Dr. Lehmiller's research focuses on casual sex, sexual fantasy, sexual health, and friends with benefits. His credentials have made him an internationally recognized expert in the field, and he is frequently interviewed by prominent media outlets, including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Chicago Tribune, CNN.com, The Sunday Times, and Men's Health. His writings have appeared in several major media outlets, including New York Magazine, USA Today, Playboy, VICE, and Psychology Today, and his textbook The Psychology of Human Sexuality is used in college classrooms around the world. Learn more about Dr. Lehmiller and follow his popular blog, Sex and Psychology, at https://lehmiller.com

Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5

433 global ratings

5 star		63%
4 star		22%
3 star		8%
2 star		5%
1 star		2%

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Top reviews from the United States

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Yehuda Engelman

Much more than fantasy

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on April 27, 2023

Verified Purchase

The author really delivers on his title. This is a practical guide on how to implement a science based methodology based on communicating what you each want that looks like it can greatly improve committed relationships. Head and shoulders above other books in this genre.

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on November 16, 2022

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Read the book, but was not what I expected. It was ok

One person found this helpful

Helpful

Mali Apple

Excellent guide for feeling better about who you are

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on November 1, 2022

Verified Purchase

Written in the clear, warm tone that characterizes all of Lehmiller’s work, this book helps the reader feel comfortable with their own erotic imagination and guides them in how to talk about their desires with their sex partner.

2 people found this helpful

Helpful

Cody Gough

Not the book we need, but the book we deserve

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 25, 2018

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I respect the scientific research and thought put into writing this book. The entire book is based off of the largest study to date on sexual fantasies of Americans.

The main takeaway: this could be a good educational resource if you have not had very good sexual education. But otherwise, it falls short of what I would recommend. I really feel it would have been better presented and just as easily digestible as a 2,000-word Atlantic article or written as a publication in a similar other outlet.

I actually do recommend this book if you feel ashamed about your sexual identity or fetishes, you have a hard time communicating with their partners about sex, or you don't know a lot about specific sexual taboos, including but not limited to BDSM, group sex, and gender-bending (cross-dressing, for example). For sexually conservative or shy Americans, this is an excellent book that could greatly help people better understand their sexuality and what defines being "normal," as well as get some ideas for how to communicate in relationships in a healthy way.

Having said that, this is not a well-written book. Specifically, the editing fails spectacularly. Honestly, this book should be about half the length it is. It is extremely pedantic and nearly every concept is over-explained to the point of exhaustion. I'm not exactly a sexual deviant, but I did not need the level of detail for each fantasy explained this extensively. Ask yourself: do you need a 6-page primer on what the acronym BDSM stands for? If the answer is yes, then you should definitely read this book. If not, then this book might not be for you. If you need a book that reminds you every 3-4 pages that a specific fantasy is "not weird, and okay to have as long as everyone is safe and you aren't hurting anyone," then you should buy this book. I, personally, don't need that much coaching. Perhaps I drastically over-estimate the common sense of most Americans, but to me, the insights gleamed from the giant research study which resulted in this book are interwoven too tightly with what I feel are obvious statements like "it's illegal to expose yourself to strangers," and that makes the book frustrating to read.

My other problem is that the book advises looking for outlets to help explore certain fantasies like nonmonogamy, group sex, and BDSM, but does not go into detail about any specific meetup groups, dungeons, clubs, sex parties, sex toys, or online communities to facilitate that. The author only off-handedly mentions FetLife once and does not otherwise point you towards any particular resources to help you find what he says you should look for. Every time an interesting point was made or my ears perked up at a research finding, the book failed to follow up with any real details. And while specific sexual fantasies from the study are quoted near the beginning of the book, that goes away entirely after the second or third chapter, leaving you with somewhat vague findings. The author doesn't even really commit to any of the broad advice given near the end of the book, adding a paragraph-long caveat after every single idea that says "but this might not work" or "but I'm not saying this is definitely the answer." One disclaimer at the beginning of the book could have replaced literally 20 percent of this book that consists entirely of disclaimers. I'm not exaggerating.

Finally, the science is nearly all correlation, and a huge chunk of the causation is speculative. The phrase "this may be because..." is everywhere, and even more disclaimers are given when the author guesses as to why something might be. Granted, some citations are made when explaining concepts rooted in previous research, but this is the exception, not the rule. And he also leans on evolutionary biology quite a bit for some claims, which can actually be somewhat contentious in the scientific community. So while you'll learn what's "normal" and what fantasies people have, the "science" behind it all is a bit smoke-and-mirrors. More research will need to take place before many of the ideas in this book are validated.

This review is coming from a relatively liberal young adult with a lot of familiarity in the fields of science and sexuality, so you might love the book if you're not me. I hope you find this review helpful, and that future editions fix some of the issues with this first run.

223 people found this helpful

Helpful

Amazon Customer

A Discussion-Provoking Look into Our Sexual Fantasies

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on August 1, 2018

Verified Purchase

A group of friends and I purchased Dr. Lehmiller’s book with the goal of doing a 3-week book club, and I’m glad we approached it this way. Reading this with a group of people gave us the opportunity to talk about and reflect on what we found most compelling, surprising (or not surprising), or resonated with us.
Dr. Lehmiller discusses his research findings through a very informative, yet casual voice. I appreciated being able to learn about the sexual fantasies of a large group of Americans, and compare them against my own thoughts and actions.
For those who have a sexually-positive mindset, or would like to learn how to, I would definitely recommend giving this a read.
And, as I mentioned, I definitely recommend the approach of a book club read with close friends. It’s very helpful to be able to discuss these very interesting topics as they come up.

4 people found this helpful

Helpful

Stacey

Well researched, interesting read, with some good recommendations

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on November 25, 2021

Verified Purchase

I listened to this on audible and synched with my kindle copy. People and their fantasies and desires are fascinating. Since I am a lawyer with clients in alternative lifestyle communities, I expect to use the research cited when arguing on behalf of my clients in the future.

2 people found this helpful

Helpful

Ari Tuckman

Brilliant

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on August 11, 2018

Verified Purchase

Justin Lehmiller created the perfect book on sexual fantasies (and, therefore, sexuality in general). He based the book on a massive data set which gives him more credibility than anybody else out there. But, equally importantly, he makes the results readable, interesting, relevant, and useful. He slices and dices the data in all sorts of different ways which allows him to extract an amazing variety of lessons. I can't even guess at the hours spent poring over the data to learn everything that he did, but the world is a better place for his tireless efforts. The only thing better than reading this book is your partner also reading it and then the two of you discussing it.

8 people found this helpful

Helpful

Rusk Reeder

Incomplete

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 4, 2022

Verified Purchase

I felt like the book lacked depth, though it did have plenty of detail and stastitics. Regarding sexual fantasies, this book seems to deviate significantly in content and concept from works like those of Dr. Ruth and others.

Helpful

Top reviews from other countries

Mr. E. Spencer

Insightful

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on August 3, 2018

Verified Purchase

This book is the culmination of a large amount of research into sexual desires.

The author conducted his research across a cross section of genders and orientations, and is able to conclude a few things about how we might do and should deal with our desires.

I found the conclusions drawn by the author, based on his research, to be insightful and of value. It didn't take me long to read the book as I found it so interesting. Well worth a read

3 people found this helpful

Amazon Customer

A worth while read. Very insightful.

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on January 31, 2020

Verified Purchase

Well written book. Bought the book after listening to the authors interview on the Dr. Phil podcast on relationships. It is very interesting. I can definitely see the differences between Male and female fantasies as described in the book now that I have read the book.

Amazon Customer

One of the best books I have ever read and as someone studying ...

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on July 11, 2018

Verified Purchase

One of the best books I have ever read and as someone studying to be a sex therapist and sex educator, I cannot stress the importance of this book enough. A lot of people today find it's easier to have sex than to talk about it, hopefully this book kick starts a long overdue conversation about sex.

3 people found this helpful

wild

Alright

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on December 4, 2018

Verified Purchase

I thought the books was alright, the writing is engaging, I just didn’t really anything new (but maybe that’s because I spend too much time on reddit’s sex subredit).

Pega Ren

Everything you wanted to know about sex fantasies...and more!

Reviewed in Canada 🇨🇦 on November 19, 2018

Verified Purchase

Lehmiller manages to make reading sex research interesting!

See all reviews

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